Who's the most involved, at a distance? - Zodin

Who gives you a heart attack when they leave a msg? - Tim

Who makes you smile when they sign on? - like everyone...

Who have you changed yourself the most for? - Probably myself.

Okay that was the shortest survey ever... now I have to shower, write a new entry, go pick up Meg, then go PARTY. If I don't come back til next year.... then I just wanted to say, thankx for the good, thankx for the bad, and thankx for being you, because without you, I wouldn't have found, me. Here's the last lyrics for the year... this is for you Tim. Yeah... cuz I didn't go through hell just for the heck of it. :-) thankx.. HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!!!!! GO OUT AND GET DRUNK

I'm old enough to take all the blame
for all the mistakes..
all the games and all the faces..
I'm bleeding by myself
but I'm okay.. - Our Lady Peace


heh... I'll never understand things completely.

Like.. why people I have no relation to read through my infiniteprofile. Especially under the sn we USED to talk on... and not the new one they use? Eh. There's alwayz remnants of the past that, whether you think of them or not, will forever be around... learn to accept em :-).

Anyway I talked to AMY MADOLE~! today... after what, forever... she seems happy in Texas. I have to keep Pete away from her, they might kill each other... I have to find a day to hang with her, for old times sake.

Then she gave me the sn to an old teacher of mine... Ms. Wolfe XD, and it was SUCH a nice thing, talking to her after leaving middle school. I like re-visiting the past, ya notice? Hopefully she'll come to our graduation like she says she will.

I'm tired... I can't ever sleep.

Man last night sure was fun...

it was a Saturday night all around town w/ Matt and Jenny XD, and we went like... everywhere.... haha. First we went to the mall, saw everyone from Ricky Oh to Deety there... then went to Topz to eat, which I only go to to see Lisa working >P, and there was this little kid that even Michelle would haaaaate.... HATE. Dropped off some films at the foto place, visited Jen, she was tired =[. Ay then we went to Tapoica Express, my faaavorite boba place, and I got some nice hot ginger milk tea... eh.

Then it was off to Jenny's to play some hardcore Mario Party, which of course I won :-D... and that's when I realized... Tim has my n64.

I didn't get home til really late so I dropped dead, didn't finish Michelle's blog, but hey... I have a social life so screw me ;-). Who knows what crap I do today.. ay. 2 days til the new year! Oh and... how's the blog lookin?

OniMeNoJoe: Nice
OniMeNoJoe: =D
OniMeNoJoe: And looky
OniMeNoJoe: There's a sleepy Vash
OniMeNoJoe: pretending to be all innocent and all
OniMeNoJoe: When he carries a gun bigger than his face


Post-Xmas gift. ahhhh I love you mush =], break would be hell without talkin to you. I'd be babysitting in silence @_@. AND YOU WROTE A BLOG ENTRY IN MY BLOG! too sweet. Do it as oft as you please too, nic does XD

AY! I'm getting into that whole 'writing' journal deal since I got it for xmas, and I've already written alot of... heh personal crap I see and feel towards people, not discounting YOU of cuorse, haha. Seriously it's done worlds of good for me mentally to write these real hardcore thoughts onto something that ISN'T publically viewed. I still like my digital paper journals though...

I've felt so carefree and mellow these past few days, I don't wanna even think of going back to school in 2 weeks. SHIT TOO LATE! I HATE the idea of going back... even though I've had so much fun there lately. I like sleeping in and playing GAMECUBE~! thank you. Ugh... I don't wanna ruin break by thinking about school, so let's hang out somewhere sometime ya? :-). I have cable now, I am not your lagging bastard anymore! hahaha... man life has been just, fine, lately. I wanna keep it at this cool setting, too. I left school on a high note and hopefully, I'll go back the same way too. I wrote a hardass letter to someone for xmas... I'm not as bummed out about having actually given it than I thought I would be. Just waiitng for a response, hopefully someone will make that happen... right? ahhh life is peaceful.

I was gonna blog about Michelle but I'mma wuss out because... eh I dunno, I'm sleepy, and wanna write some more.. >P see ya late.


Thee seXay onE: this ones a lil weird
Thee seXay onE: haha
Thee seXay onE: u finish off the statement
Thee seXay onE: k here it goes
OoPeek A Boo11: k
Thee seXay onE: i am not:
OoPeek A Boo11: typical
Thee seXay onE: depressing.
Thee seXay onE: i hurt when:
OoPeek A Boo11: people leave me behind
Thee seXay onE: ditto.
Thee seXay onE: i love:
OoPeek A Boo11: myself enough to stand up for myself
Thee seXay onE: life
Thee seXay onE: i hate:
Thee seXay onE: instabilities
OoPeek A Boo11: whejn i'm vulnerable
Thee seXay onE: i fear:
Thee seXay onE: ...
Thee seXay onE: losing ground w/ ppl
OoPeek A Boo11: taking responsibility for my own actions
Thee seXay onE: i hope:
OoPeek A Boo11: to be happy
OoPeek A Boo11: one day
Thee seXay onE: everything fits together in the end
Thee seXay onE: i crave:
Thee seXay onE: ice cream... dumb michelle...
Thee seXay onE: lol
OoPeek A Boo11: love
OoPeek A Boo11: haha
Thee seXay onE: i regret
OoPeek A Boo11: letting my guards down for guys
Thee seXay onE: all the dumb things tim and i did to each other
Thee seXay onE: which didnt seem dumb at the time
Thee seXay onE: heh
Thee seXay onE: i cry:
OoPeek A Boo11: when i realize how unstable i am
Thee seXay onE: when i cant handle myself.
Thee seXay onE: oy
Thee seXay onE: i care:
OoPeek A Boo11: for others before myself all the time
Thee seXay onE: way too much about way too many people who dont care at al.
Thee seXay onE: i always:
OoPeek A Boo11: smile and try to get others to too
Thee seXay onE: overanalyze... and end up by myself
Thee seXay onE: i long:
Thee seXay onE: for more stability
OoPeek A Boo11: to not fight anymore
Thee seXay onE: i feel alone:
OoPeek A Boo11: when i write
Thee seXay onE: when people put their heads down as i come near
Thee seXay onE: ...
Thee seXay onE: i listen:
OoPeek A Boo11: to everyone and everything
Thee seXay onE: to anybody who needs it
Thee seXay onE: i hide:
Thee seXay onE: whatever people want me to.
OoPeek A Boo11: when i'm scared of the outside world
Thee seXay onE: i drive:
Thee seXay onE: ..... i drive?
OoPeek A Boo11: a honda civic 2000
OoPeek A Boo11: lol how shallow was that
Thee seXay onE: lol it wasnt
Thee seXay onE: i sing:
OoPeek A Boo11: when i don't think people are listening
Thee seXay onE: with passion. gimme some freakin staind ill show you passion
Thee seXay onE: i dance:
OoPeek A Boo11: all the time, whjenever, whereever
Thee seXay onE: never dance.
OoPeek A Boo11: :-)
Thee seXay onE: :-P
Thee seXay onE: i write:
OoPeek A Boo11: when i'm alone
Thee seXay onE: all the freakin time >_<
OoPeek A Boo11: haha
Thee seXay onE: i breathe
Thee seXay onE: ...when i need to live?
OoPeek A Boo11: with no regrets
Thee seXay onE: i play:
Thee seXay onE: with my memories... to make sense out of them
OoPeek A Boo11: when i revisit my imagination
Thee seXay onE: i miss:
Thee seXay onE: :-(
OoPeek A Boo11: being a child, with nothing to worry about
Thee seXay onE: i search:
OoPeek A Boo11: i miss being not stressed, not sick
OoPeek A Boo11: for comfort
Thee seXay onE: for inner peace.
Thee seXay onE: i learn:
OoPeek A Boo11: everyday
Thee seXay onE: through other people
Thee seXay onE: i feel:
OoPeek A Boo11: sick, but at peace
Thee seXay onE: cold, i need clothes now
OoPeek A Boo11: lol
Thee seXay onE: i know:
OoPeek A Boo11: that i'l be okay one day
Thee seXay onE: you can never go back.
Thee seXay onE: i say:
OoPeek A Boo11: i'll be here when u need me
Thee seXay onE: what i feel, not that ill say it right
Thee seXay onE: i succeed:
OoPeek A Boo11: slowly but surely
Thee seXay onE: rarely.
Thee seXay onE: i fail:
Thee seXay onE: when i want to succeed the most. aiya
OoPeek A Boo11: when i overanalyze
Thee seXay onE: i dream:
OoPeek A Boo11: of reaching lasting happiness
Thee seXay onE: too often.
Thee seXay onE: i wonder:
OoPeek A Boo11: am i making the right decisions
Thee seXay onE: why time plays games with me
Thee seXay onE: i want:
OoPeek A Boo11: to be loved and love in return
Thee seXay onE: HAPPINESS.
Thee seXay onE: i worry:
OoPeek A Boo11: that'll never reach my goals
Thee seXay onE: too much for anyone to care.
Thee seXay onE: i wish:
OoPeek A Boo11: on too many stars
Thee seXay onE: i knew what i was doing half the time
Thee seXay onE: i have:
OoPeek A Boo11: everyting but nothing at the same time
Thee seXay onE: my friends. theyre priceless
Thee seXay onE: i give:
OoPeek A Boo11: not as much as i could
Thee seXay onE: everything i can... carelessly.
Thee seXay onE: i fight:
Thee seXay onE: with myself
OoPeek A Boo11: to breathe on my own
Thee seXay onE: i wait:
OoPeek A Boo11: patiently
Thee seXay onE: impatiently, and not quietly. but i wait.
Thee seXay onE: i need:
Thee seXay onE: to be completed.
OoPeek A Boo11: ditto
Thee seXay onE: i am:
Thee seXay onE: the product of everyones touch.
OoPeek A Boo11: strong in my own way
Thee seXay onE: i want to be:
OoPeek A Boo11: healthy again
Thee seXay onE: whatever you want me to be, and ill work on myself for it
Thee seXay onE: i never want to be:
Thee seXay onE: pushed away.
OoPeek A Boo11: something i will never be
Thee seXay onE: last one!
OoPeek A Boo11: k
Thee seXay onE: i want you to be:
Thee seXay onE: ...
Thee seXay onE: happy
OoPeek A Boo11: comfortable in your own skin, mind, and heart

Good stuff. very very good stuff. Merry Christmas Luis.


Thee seXay onE: MAN
Thee seXay onE: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thee seXay onE: XD
OoPeek A Boo11: HELL YEAH

omg... good times roll on already. hahaha, bye ferrealz now!

I'm still wayy too happy. This is considered inconsistency too! hahahahaha

Gave the gang their gifts. Gave Peter his, we had a 'moment' lol, and Robert took pictures of all of us. Peter better wear that everyday... xD

I got more gifts too! aiya... a Garu journal, a lil care bear keychain, and a Stitch doll, which after contemplation and asking Mush, Imma call, Peter. hahaha... or Peewee.

The care bear came w/ a description, which is kind of... what Esther said to me earlier. Here it is:

Grumpy Bear: Grumpy Bear is a bit of a grouch. But his grumpiness reminds us that an occasional grouchy mood is all right - as long as it doesn't last too long. Grumpy Bear's tummy symbol, a rain cloud with falling hearts, is a reminder that even when we're grouchy, we are still loved by those closest to us.


I'll miss all of you. Hopefully, I'll see you around, or we can hook it up... hell, of course we will. yeh? yeh. These 3 weeks will be full of.... r&r. I love you all, and you know it. byeee


omgomgomgomgomgomgomg &@^&^@!%&^!%^%$@!^%!@$%!@#%@!$#^%$@!#!*&(^@(*&^@!(*&^@%@!*^%!&^@$@!&^%$@!*&%#!^#%(*!$&.....

.... what a fucking overwhelming day.

I mean I knew I was riding on the wave of a very good past few days.. but God today was just wow. I'ma bring a camera tommorow too, shiet. MAN I CAN'T EVEN TYPE IN MY BLOG! No words can EVER describe how fucking .... how I feel. No words. OMG

When Peter, Jen, Jenny and Matt gave me that heavy ass box... and the fact that they were all together, and the fact that they all got me something, that PETER got me something, omg... I can't believe how much I fucking... LOVE every single one of you. Oh God I'm all overwhelmed, nobody does nice things for me damnit! So I go insane when something like this happens. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU GUYS GOT ME A FUCKING GAMECUBE!

You could have given me the smallest thing, but just... giving me anything, and showing me that you care about me and love me.... shit what do I say? I can't fucking fuck fuck say ANYTHING. omg <3 <3 <3 (*&@(*!^@*%!^%$$#!@!(^@)( you guys are my life. Friends are my life. oh my God. Everyone please have a great fabulous good productive 3 weeks off. oh lord oh lord oh my oh my... oh my.



SimilarMinds.com Compatibility Test

Your match with Peter Hwang

you are 92% similar

you are 62% complementary

How Compatible are You and Your

YaY. Tommorow will be a good day too.

Heh so the lazy ass finally took my test, I'm quite satisfied w/ the results, though they don't have to be exact. Quick observation, it appears to me that, in Pete and my case, we are SO similar, that THAT is precisely why we're always arguing. But in a buddy sort of way. And also, it explains why we sexually abuse Rody. Yeah believe me... hahahaahaah okay! I'm kinda shocked in the end of it all though, because hey... whoda thought Hwangsta would be so much like ... me? wo0o0o0o \m/. o wow holy shit, just looking at Pete's score as compared to Michelle and Jen's... I am the same % similar to Pete as to Michelle, the two highest scorers, which makes me really... feel weird. haha, but w/ Mush, I'm 2% more complementary. I just think that's tight. lol... anywho.

Anywayz yeah. Tommorow will be a good day. Sad, whenever I'm up, someone's down. Like I'm the water while they drown or something. Imbalances never go away, I guess. Feel better, bum.


YaY Mish Mush liked it =]. I'm gonna help Pete A w/ some hellish proverbs tonight, so... nothing more from me for a while. Sleepy.. and growing demented.. yay!

PetersAimName: u r one of smartest people i know


OoPeek A Boo11: wait, did the 2 teachers do it?
theeseXayone: YES
OoPeek A Boo11: i missed this song thing
OoPeek A Boo11: my mom called me
theeseXayone: didnt u see them like all naked rolling around?
theeseXayone: MICHELLE!!!!

Nothing finishes off a good day other than talking to a friend. Oh and watching Boston Public. hahahaha... wow.

Very good day. This living in the moment stuff is kinda nice =]. Good thing I decided to do this kinda thing over summer neh?

I feel like I can let go of most MOST oof my excess baggage these days, oh man... that's such a good song, lol. ANYWAY today was tight, I gave a few people their gifts for Xmas and they loved it... w00t! Tommorow I shall give Michelle, Nicole, and Ashley theirs. I dunno why them - maybe it's a Metco thing. God today was fun, I ran through storm drains, I got SOAKED, ahhh... I got to sit down w/ Molly for a lil over an hour, just to talk. Haven't done that in a long time w/ her, good times. Learned alot, but c'mon, 7/13? SHIET I HAVE TO GET TO WORK hahaha. I'm bad at math... but yes I learned quite a lot from her, and hopefully this helped her see some stuff. You ever realize how much one talk can affect you? Yeah, I know. haha

Walked home too, in the fucking rain... I can't describe it right now so this would be it:

Psykdelicchik21: yup...how was the walk
theeseXayone: but man i got soaked like a wet squirrel
theeseXayone: it was pretty amazing.
theeseXayone: man,
theeseXayone: okay so
theeseXayone: there was the clouds above
Psykdelicchik21: uh huh
theeseXayone: the street lights were on, this sexy shade of orange
theeseXayone: hitting the sidewalks
theeseXayone: and the water going down the drains
theeseXayone: it was this.. like amazing mix of blue and orange in the water
theeseXayone: made me feel so... happy to see it
theeseXayone: i take some stuff for granted i guess
theeseXayone: and it was SO AWESOME
theeseXayone: and then i got splashed ans fell
theeseXayone: and it was great!!!!!!!
theeseXayone: cuz i was in the orange blue magic thing!

Yeah. Today I learned many things, too bad only one of them was from Aesthetics. What was the quote? "Thought precludes Action". FUCK YEA! YAY!

crap wait... new fav lyrics. "When I look into your eyes, there's nothing there to see.. Nothing but my own mistakes, staring back at me. Asking WHY"


theeseXayone: PETE!!!
X r E t 3 p: haha who knows
theeseXayone: shut up and tlel me
theeseXayone: *tell
X r E t 3 p: ur incentive to come to skool on friday
theeseXayone: :D
X r E t 3 p: ill give it to you on friday
theeseXayone: then ull get urs friday too
theeseXayone: ur actually giving me something too
theeseXayone: wowzerz

Good times. he's giving me something... speaks volumes since we all know us guys don't give each other SHIT XD. But this year I'm actually giving gifts, AND to some guy friends... oo0o0o anyway I had an awesome time w/ Meg today, we spent around uh, $170 together.. hahaha. o many gifts, my friends deserve more! They deserve to know that they are my life. In essence. Anywho... gifts coming soon... yay! bye bye.

LjseXaywwF: haha i took my sister shopping
LjseXaywwF: saw jen at work
LjseXaywwF: we didnt know each other ;-)
mr FLiP816: kitty world?
LjseXaywwF: toys r us next door
LjseXaywwF: but then stopped at kitty world
mr FLiP816: lol u did that on purpose
LjseXaywwF: :-D
mr FLiP816: thats lameeeeeeeee
LjseXaywwF: wo0o0o0o
LjseXaywwF: but who got to see jen?????? hahahaha
mr FLiP816: wowwwwwwwwwwwww

Refer to my past few blogs for anything of relevance. I'm goin' out again today!

OoPeek A Boo11: you're asking me wut to get a guy?!
OoPeek A Boo11: lol
OoPeek A Boo11: that's kinda...ironic isn't it
OoPeek A Boo11: i TOLD you not to get me anything!
theeseXayone: oops....
theeseXayone: :-)

Okay Okay I'm going now... yeesh. What the hell do I get Peter An????????


Stolen from Molly's blog:

In No Order, and by clearly stating that this isn't 'vital' people - just the ones that would make life SUCK HELL if they were gone.

People I absolutely could not live without, as of now:
Peter An
Zodin (ya! hahaha)

I guess each for different reasons. Not being on there means little to me, too. Of course there's ppl missing from the list... only because I rather be talking to them on IM rite now and avoid them reading this. When time flys by some more.. I'll finally add them. They know they're on the list in my heart, it's what matters. yeh?

MY JOURNAL IS BACK... woot. Time to not write in it for weeks again... lol.


Now to lure Michelle in with something... haha maybe a gingerbread man recipe. =]

Bhail Connection: how long is your wilf essay?
Thee seXay onE: :-[
Thee seXay onE: guess who has barkataki????
Thee seXay onE: hahahahahahaha
Bhail Connection: YOU!

Today was epitome of what a good day can bring. MAN I love art class, I'm totally rebuilt from whatever crap was in my head from a few days ago.... and now I seem to have a better understanding as to how to enjoy the 'now'. Peter and Robert make art fun =].. Rody's really insistent that I rub his back... I got into a fight with Maka... but hey man, what topped my day over the edge? Zodin came and hung out at lunch.... how fucking kool was that? We're all gonna exchange gifts on Thursday... I hope you like what I made / bought... haha because it's all for you, all from me. Good fucking times, time to pull out my journal... w00t.


I will get my journal back... someday. Today ruled, I guess. Robert Peter and I had a fucking blast in art, I have stolen Ariel's T.A. tag, Nicole has a heavenly voice, and Matt and Jenny rule the school. No Michelle anywhere today... *sigh. Anyway I'm constantly thinking back on this 'hammer' approach, I think I'm trying too hard to drive that nail into the wall... so I'll take the cop-out way and post something really REALLY vague. ;-)

I wont let you control my fate, while i'm holding the weight of the world on my conscience
I wont just sit here and wait while you weighin your options
Your makin a fool of me
You didnt dare to try and say you dont care
And solemly swear not to follow me there
It aint like me to beg on my knees
Oh please oh baby please
Thats not how i'm doin things
No i'm not upset, no i'm not angry
I know love is love and love sometimes, it doesnt pay me
I'm never without you, i'll always be with you
You'll never forget me, i'm keeping you with me
I wont let you take me to the end of my row
Or keep burning and torching my soul
No i'm not your puppet
And no, no, no, I wont let you go

No, no matter how far we've come.. I can't wait to see tomorrow. No matter how far we've come I, I can't wait to see tomorrow..

I'mma burn lotz of CD's tonite. Maybe I'll call Peter.. good times today, for most of us. I smiled more than usual. Damn friends..


I think of the future too much, or is it the past?

It was bound to happen. I ran into a wall earlier, and still do all the time. I'm still imperfect, running around my life in circles does that to me. I revisit way too much and in turn, things stick to me. I try to pry them away from me because, it scares you. heck, scares me too. I feel bad because I thought I was paased some of these things, but... we all cling on to bad habits, we're all hypocrites. We all say we have to face up to this, change that, but most of us don't. We don't...

But I'm still struggling, fighting the demons within myself and the demons that fly by me everyday, that entrap me and overwhelm me, because I don't wanna lose what I hold dear to me. Everyone knows it and it seems like a broken record, me saying it again huh!? Probably is, but when I crossed a line and was unaware of what I was doing... to have you mad at me would have, and did, and might, make me fall down.

You can't replace people in this world. There's youre good people, and the bad, and each one makes me ME, in bad ways and good. You have been a good one, one of the FEW good ones, to fly through my sky and fall into my wrodl, unexpectedly... so I will be cautious, I will feel terrible when you're mad, all because, I don't wanna mess up, again.

Obvious to me, I will always be here when you just wanna talk. I give up on the whole online issue, I can talk for months on end, just through the goddamn IM window, as long as it's you. I can comply, damnit. I can ADAPT! alwayz have been able to, albeit roughly but I can ADAPT. It's how I survive.

You left though without telling me what YOU got out of it... so am I speaking to anyone here? God knows it's tough just saying how I feel. =/

Metco was fun today. MOLLY WAS THERE~! lol... I was kinda upset for a little bit before the class... am dealing with it as we speak. I don't like to make a big deal out of what really shouldn't be. Yeah you heard me and FUCK YOU if you wanna label me a hypocrite for saying so.

Anyway.. rebuilding the community of sorts was good, there has to be a sense of focus in that classroom. We'll get there, middle ground will abound! Hopefully we can extend the class to next senester. We had fun doing frames, and forced choice, I digress from discussing what happened in general but there's this one thing from the forced choice excersize that I have to jot down. The question was, What are you most like... a hammer, or a nail?

Brain tease... like so many people in my life. Answers from people who weren't there were awesome, as of now it's Nic Matt and Zodin who have answered the question for me. My answer was kind of :-/... uh iffy? Comes w/ the instability of my life meguesses. I am a hammer...

...because of two main perspectives I took about it. Kinda depressing how I keep falling back into my past when I precisely DON'T want to. eh

The first view I had was how.... people will pick me up and use me as a prop to get something done... and then put me away when theyre done using me. Total alienation from people I guess, but this seems to be more like me from months ago, because I try not to stand for people's bullshit anymore. I said TRY hahaha... eh

The second thing I said in the class was what got Ms. Atkin into that mode of being where she gets all antsy ~_~... it was how... you know how when youre hitting a nail into the wall, it takes several hits from the hammer? I took that as, if i have something to do or say, I have to drive my point through in several times in order to finally get through to people. Which is really true, and then Ms atkin and hill said they felt the same way about me... because of what i did last year. Yeah... and I still do it everyday of my life... this 'search' for getting myself through to people, trying different ways, seeing what sticks, what's bad... and talking to Zodin today you can interpret me and that whole view as a sort of attention impulse, that I wanna be heard / known. Everyone does it! WE WOULDNT HAVE BLOGS OTHERWISE in my opinion, well most of us. We all like to rack up the hits... always have.

But looking beyond that, I think it's my inner persistency to drive my point through that makes me a hammer. I'm intimidating... sleek in form... and when I wanna accomplish something, I will dive in head first, and if I don't drive the nail in good the first time, I will hit it again and AGAIN and harder and HARDER until I get to where I want. This might be a bad thing... but it's also very good.

That reminds me... just like a hammer... I need someone to hold me, in order for me to function. Figurately, I guess. Anyway I had this really kool realization today but I'm wasting time, I could be sleeping, thinking... so I'll save it for whenever the HELL I WANT! =]


current song: the nearness of you . norah jones
mood: sleepy/down
cig count: 0

hard to handle. off-center. unstable.

maybe i am. maybe i'm not as strong as i try to be. maybe i do need other people. but i don't want to.

people hurt. they destroy. they torment. they lie. they cheat. they steal. they yell. they kill. they hate. who needs them?

we all do. i do. we put up with all types of pain and sorrow for those few moments of happiness and joy. we long to live a life with someone who can ALWAYS make us happy. but that seems so impossible. it IS impossible. it seems as though humans want to suffer. need to suffer. place themselves in dire or painful situations. they crave it.

jeez, what am i rambling on about? it's yearbook time ...

Too much thinking. I actually pretended to um... turn around and purposely walk away from somebody today. I'm giving too much damn control to the people in my life, it seems. Well, no not even the people in my life as a whole, but.... specific ones. I'm a coward.

I'm also not unlike you... that saddens me.

Anyway, I'm starting to get overwhelmed with the girls in my life, except like, Jen. haha. Various things, tooooooooO0O0 personal to disclose here, because well, she reads it. I feel like perhaps I am TOO aware of her feelings, and as much as I'd like to show that I will always be around... I really like her and having her talk about other things, other people, other guys, discourages me.

But I'm merely human right?

Yeah well... whatever. Metco was strange today, it ACTUALLY KEPT MY INTEREST. Pete told me to tell him when we'd go on class trips to watch a flick of have a discussion, and sadly, I won't be doing that, since the class is coming to a close... and I don't want it to. There was progress in my life today. Too much thinking, I saw a lot and traveled alot (literally), so I'm exhausted. Hey, weirdest thing to come to? Matt asking you why you wrote something in your blog. yes... Matt READ MY BLOG! insanity >P

whoa wtf... why am I blogging so much? One journal a fucking month, I should do that. almost there too. too lazy. rant rant i need sleep and joy.


I need some motherfucking LIGHT in this damn template. I may have to redo it. God blue... as much as I love you... you depress me. Nic's blog is gorgeous, yet... right now it depresses me too. LIGHT I want VIVID COLORS, LIFE, I want... somehting not plain... not grey... or white... but vivid. shit and all the templates are fugly. I'm just ruining my day for myself here. Must STOP.

Amazing. I love Nic =]... that non-blogging-drok. DROK >:O

A few days ago I started a blog by saying something like, enough playing games, or something. Too bad I forgot to explain what I was talking about...

haha, and I won't! That came after talking to Nic and then Peter... ahh... I hate not explaining things though. Not because I feel I have to clear any shit up, or anything. Not anymore... wo0o0o. not anymore. All these things come and go, in and out, back n forth... but the spirit stays forever. Time to like... finish my essay or...yeah.

Shit I'm bored though... today is slow and noooone is helping. So I sat on my bed and came up with a new equation (betcha SOMEONE tries to figure this out)

It takes 200 to get to the top of the mountain for Matt and Jenny, it took 1000 to climb up to Nicole, I am still climbing infinitely to get there towards Peter, and sadly, I have slipped it seems, to the middle 300's with Molly. Why is it harder with some people? What am I climbing? Why does this make sense to noone but me?

I refuse to explain. Michelle is bored too.... she should clean her dang room up. slacker.

"i have decided to expect nothing from anyone... that way i can't be dissapointed (semi direct quote hehe). i expect 2 much of people... that is seriously my problem.. from now on no "best friends" thing, its kinda dumb and childish anywayz..." - m0m

She's really smart. Being open and wanting love... just like Sartre would say >.<... is dangerous, and only leads to failure. God I can't be having a mood swing again...

essays: Linn = 4 pages. Gifford = 3.5 pages. I write small, leave me alone. AT LEAST IT'S ALL OVER!!! good times. Shit EVERYONE had my outline. I'm amazing I know xD, when in reality I was only gonna make it for me Matt and Pete... eh. very good times, it's all over. Art class tommorow!!! Maybe Pete and Jen will come over again xD xD and THAT would fucking rule. anywho...

My mental imbalances seem to... strengthen into a sturdy mass of crap every once in a while. As I wrote my existential essay... it was weird, I never really thought these dang existential philosophers had an affect on me and my 'situation', but now I feel like I actually DO have some sort of better understanding about my life. No I'm not a fucking ignorant core baby who sucks it all in... heh. I brought up some dumb points and then would say, so because of this, I know know why yadda yadda yadda. It all seemed to make sense is what's scary... so maybe I understand why you don't understand ME a lillte better. eh

Random thoughts since I'm... randomly observant today:

- Robert and Peter were CONSPIRING about me... jeez wtf is up with everyone talking about me? So I attacked them both from behind. Love em

- Michelle runs away. That's all I can really say. And then says wutever when I say so. =*[***

- Joe has no cheeks.

- Molly is cute. Haha... man who's gonna go to Hometown Buffet with me now?! =[

- Jenny is REALLY skinny yet flabby in the arms. yay!

- Esther and I got U's for talking in physics. w00t! I don't know why but... it's kool. ESTHER HAS A U!!

- Peter can get around ANYTHING I'm mad at him about. Is that a bad thing?

- Matt is mean MEAN mean. <3 *kills him*

- I flirt way too much when I really only have interest in one person... shit what do I do with myself =[

Anyway so yeah... I have replaced my journal with Peter's for a while. I dunno, to rack him up some hits? hahaha and also, I feel kind of uneased about people reading my fucking journal and never really bothering to take into account that my journal isn't all I'm about. I'll put it back in a few days... I'm also tired of typing. but I'll blog for YOU! later. time for Barkacrappy essay.

I wanna feel the way you make me feel when I'm with you
I wanna be the only hand, you need to hold on to
But everytime I call you don't have time
I guess I'll never get to call you mine

*sigh extra terrestrials make me wanna die.. anyway.. back to studying.



and guess how many people have my outlines? hehe. Shit I want Pete to come back home... I can't study all of this alone. Good luck on your essay... and hey - I think I know what to get you for Xmas. Nic loves my outlines :-)

OoPeek A Boo11: i gotta new case
OoPeek A Boo11: it's sooo cute
Thee seXay onE: yay!
Thee seXay onE: whats it like?
OoPeek A Boo11: it's light turquoise with white in it
Thee seXay onE: oooh sweet stuff
OoPeek A Boo11: and i got this chain thingy in the corner
Thee seXay onE: chain?
Thee seXay onE: *_*
OoPeek A Boo11: and it has a silver star, then it says "mish"
OoPeek A Boo11: and then there's a bell
Thee seXay onE: MISH!
Thee seXay onE: hahah awesome
Thee seXay onE: bell?
Thee seXay onE: is there a microwave and washing machine in this all in one gadget too?
OoPeek A Boo11: o shut up
Thee seXay onE: :-)

Okay I'll seriously go do my Linn outline now! hahaha love.

Thee seXay onE: mush!
OoPeek A Boo11: hey :-)
Thee seXay onE: wanna know wuts fun to mess with?
OoPeek A Boo11: wut
Thee seXay onE: ur fone!
Thee seXay onE: i mean..
OoPeek A Boo11: i was about to say that otoO!

Time to do my linn. If you need Gifford, don't be an ass, ask me. and nicely >P

SHIT I ... HATE outline days. It's that time of the week when everyone IM's me and pretends to be helpless =]. I just finished the Gifford one, at what, 1.56 am? kakaka LAME. Peter better have a linn one or I refuse to ever do anything nice again... >P

Anyway, I bought Matt his present, have no money AGAIN, so I came home and just talked to ppl whilst I did my outline. Finaly got to talk to Nic after a long ass time, even if it was online. Good times. She figured out my first equation. w00t! She gave me a new equation too! Figure THIS shit out, homeslice:

Peter is to Jacob, as Luis is to Bobby

This one has two possible answers. Nicole doesn't know the second one xD haha. Shit I'm tired... then I started to talk to Pete A and it took me forever to finish this outline:

Thee seXay onE: DATS LOVE.
Thee seXay onE: very nice
Thee seXay onE: i like how ur nose is smacking her side
PetersAimName: haha
PetersAimName: i know
PetersAimName: i almost made her blind
Thee seXay onE: very slick
Thee seXay onE: you almost sniffed her eyeballs bro.. oh dude!!!!
Thee seXay onE: shit this outline is awesome
PetersAimName: haha
PetersAimName: L337P373@hotmail.com
Thee seXay onE: i know it
Thee seXay onE: besides,
Thee seXay onE: knowing you,
Thee seXay onE: youll be online when im done
PetersAimName: rofl

Now I'm off to bed. Hey everyone, somebody broke her cell cover on her first day with it! Alien. I really wanna leave my house. And dunno why but... this relaXing music I'm listening to, it's making me... wanna hurt you. okay bye


Remembering what Nic said while I was unaware...

....I intrigue? wow. whoda thought. Xmas shoppin'.


Enough playing games.

Anyway, today was INSANE when it comes to... hmmm how many different vibes I got, from myself and from others.

I haven't talked to her in two days... and I feel so sad... I think I'm right about my suspicion.. this might be a bad thing. ooooh smitten~ =[

Peter makes me think way too much about where the boy's head is. So him and Matt, I caught them talking.... and then staring at me @_@... and so I go mess around with Brent's tie for his project dance, and Peter comes up to me and says. 'make sure your parents dont get you a cube!'. wtf>?!!>? I have no idea what in heck those guys are doing... I wonder if it has to do with Jen... hmmm. I love my friends. love love love. I'd die for em, oo0o0h I said it again! DAMNIT too bad I already wasted all my money on those assholes =]

Somehting always happens in 5th, like the whole LUIS IS PARANOID~! LOOK AT HIS FACE! thing from yesterday, so I decided to ask around:

Thee seXay onE: hey would u label me as paranoid?
mr FLiP816: ya
Thee seXay onE: WHY
Thee seXay onE: everyones sayin it ><
mr FLiP816: cuz youre fuckign phsycho

Molly wasn't here and that sucked old ass too... but I know why so we decided to bond xP:

Psykdelicchik21: i hate school.
Psykdelicchik21: i hate core. and calculus
Thee seXay onE: whyz this habbib?
Psykdelicchik21: stop calling me habbib

6th period was okay anyway, since Nicole came lookin' for me, as she had been missing for days and I missed her butt >P. I was by this time a little.... woozy so whatever talk I had with her was quickly taken over by my utter stupidity, and fooling around like kiddies with Shannon. Nic alwayz knows exactly what I'm thinking and I don't know if I like that... I'll show you reading people >:O. Yeah I learned some more. I then did a lot of dumb stuff which I don't remember, except I saw something in myself that was... pretty kool to notice. Not that it'll make sense to anyone, except me. I CAN BE VAGUE OMFGF~~!

Simple Equation:

Peter is to Rody, as Luis is to Mike.

I find this rather disgusting and disturbing, makes me wonder WHY this equation has to make some damn sense, but it does. Ask me wut I mean I dare you =]. Anyway, must finish Xmas shopping. Man I really wanna go get boba, hang out, talk, do stuff. You think you can handle it?


Psykdelicchik21: i want to see my back cuz theres a giant bug bite and i want to see what it looks like

good times.

OoPeek A Boo11: so where's the poem huh?

Auto response from Thee seXay onE: she's my alien =]

OoPeek A Boo11: hehe
OoPeek A Boo11: who? me?

8. My days are so unstable... jeebus wut would I do without the loves of my life... my friends?? Probably be wasting away, and not trying to put my words to action, like with damn Tim. I'd be too scared to do shit. Hell I still am but... friends make everything worth doing. Why do I feel so crappy.. oh nm I know why. haha

my horoscope @_@: Today, you could probably find all the encouragement you were looking for but before that, you will need to get a little more involved at work! You are a pragmatic person but you are sometimes too careful. You have to try to go beyond this aspect of your personality, Luis. Try to forget the barriers that exist in your mind.

SimilarMinds.com Compatibility Test

Your match with rosie
you are 91% similar
you are 89% complementary

How Compatible are You and Your Friends?

Everything seems fine today :-)... which means i have a good mood for the rest of the nite. With exception of Peter telling Paul and EVERYONE in ap lit that I'm a paranoid freak... but hey good times. haha

I have free time so.. I shall finally get down to business. I have the best song in my profile.. it's the song, yo. Note to self: Everyone says it's a fear of how much I've actually changed... I say it's just a matter of being scared, period. I have to ask Molly.


Can't work when soooo.... overwhelmed w/ friends and their greatness and dumbness. <3 Molly

Hey so... who the fuck do you think you're impressing with your bullshit and what you call a life?

Okay I PROMISED myself... I'll start writing my... uh tim backtrack thing tonite, I promised so no worries Luis.. gg me!

I used my fucking amazing aim + program to save every chat I've ever had really... so I was lookin through it while talkin to Matt and ... shiet... we all really really changed, and this isn't even a change based on a year...but mere months.

I just found the few first convos I had with Peter, Matt, and Zodin. Very interesting... it's all sad but in such a happy good way =]. Like I read the matt one first, on his dumb white boy sn! and I saw how... uh really suspicious we were about talking... cuz mainly, Amy told the other guy that the other one hated him... good times neh?

I just got the Zodin one!!!! lol I feel terrible.. I talked to Zodin online for the first time a little while after I first talked to Tim on aim, and you could tell I was really... ehhh rapidly changed/changing? Our first convo was about me just.. letting out all this anger i had, but hey, Zodin asked how I was doing... too bad I rained down on his ass like I did. I told ya bro you inspire me =P

Then I got to Pete's... ahhh peterpeter this one kinda freaked me out, or moreso than the other ones. He used to be really articulate with his feelings... no it's kind of hilarious, it's like we switched places! hahaha he was really really open to talking and kind of vulnerable to me, since he said alot of stuff... and I was this stone wall barely doing much but listening. But.... shit peter has feelings! I keep forgetting most of us guys do. I'm mesin, Peter does, he's my bro, but.... he was really really different back then. I don't know what to think.

anyway... I'm gonna start on that thing now.


Too lazy to finish this up =P hahaha... damnit. I don't wanna deal with it I guess, not right now. But I do, somehow... yaknow? I hate leaving things unfinished, unfufilled... haha like that poem rite Michelle? Call me greedy or an idiot but yeah...

... I try to keep that happy medium with my blogs, between vague and blunt... and I've been slipping from one to the other, leaning on blunt (no really?) lately.. quite frankly the only reason I try to stay in the medium is because this isn't a private blog! There is an audience, the 'other' reading this and processing it at their own will.. and I like to maintain a sense of privacy, you can call it dignity, who gives a crap... but NOW with this shit, I well... DO NOT GIVE A SHIT who reads this or interprets it. Why the change Luis? Because this is all for me, me ME. I don't expect jackshit from people (hey like before!), but I mean that in terms of how willing they are to get back into something to HARD to get into. Who cares, whether you're the Tim whom I've been killing myself reading the past for, or Michelle who's bored, or Zodin who's freekin nosey, or Peter downloading some dumb music... or Minjung who wont leave me alone!!!

this whole thing is MINE, leave me alone when I say, I don't expect crap from you, I just wanna better myself for you. Really...

oh look, Jamie Oh does it again ppl: "To want is one thing; to do whatever it takes is another." ~ Proverb She's as quick witted as she was in 1996 man!!!

anywayz I'll think real hard on all this new stuff I passed by before. I'm interested as to where this will take me... even if you're too quick to judge what I want out of this.


Hey dumb blogger still goes in reverse order... to make any more sense of this I have to start from the bottom... heh. I'm still kinda crying but I'm fine. Who says fuckin Luis can't do this psychology mush?

I FOUND WHAT I WAS LOOKING FOR. FUCKING FINALLY... man this is so painful, I was crying.. heh this is the whole convo taken into pieces, so I can check it alllllll out.

SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: i'm intimdated by you?
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: sometimes
theese X ayone: why...
theese X ayone: lemme know :-D
theese X ayone: it helps so i can try to you know...not do that
theese X ayone: heh

Funny, I've been reading soooo much... and I realized, I was trying to change myself along with all the changes I had been through already... why so anxious Luis? I was trying *so* hard, damn. I helped kill it too.

SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: o yeah
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: i know
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: i just get a weird feeling whenever its like "impending convo w/ luis"
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: seems like i'm gonna have to fight a fight
theese X ayone: haha... shit :-/
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: its weird
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: i cant really describe it
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: its just like gearing up for battle yo
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: i know you dont feel that way

Yeah, and I bet you anything that even my buddy Nicole felt like that sometimes... god this is breakin me apart but it's all worth the answer =]

theese X ayone: is it a struggle to talk to me?....youre not alone in feelin that way sometimes
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: sometimes
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: i feel like i need t accomplish something sometimes
theese X ayone: yeh...people say that all the itme to me
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: to say something that will impact you
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: and if i dont
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: then our convos have no meaning
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: which is bad
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: VERY bad
theese X ayone: ....why would it be a bad thing?....so we cant have a regular conversaiton without one of us getting all weirded out?
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: oh no
theese X ayone: *plots* what do you want me to do tim..

I guess sticks before bricks was just more words... but hey they make a lot of sense, but probably were'nt meant as such. I'm learning...

SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: my basing "progress" on whether or not we "get things done" is bad
theese X ayone: i dont understand
theese X ayone: maybe cuz im half asleep
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: i guess i'm just saying
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: we need to be able to talk
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: regardless of whether or not i help you or not
theese X ayone: i think thats what ive been lookin for after we talked at lunch last week
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: the "friend" all-encompassing

Yes. haha.. yes yes.

theese X ayone: not everything id wanna talk about is something im asking you to help me with....its a matter of talking like any other friends would, but she pointed it out, you dont seem to be there yet
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: me?
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: with you?
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: i'm not
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: i dont feel that i am
theese X ayone: yeah, ditto
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: but i think we're getting there
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: i have a bad habit of ditching those that make me uncomfortable
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: but i need to face up to it

OMG HERE IT IS! To think I haven't cried since that day in woman-core... yea well this made me just burst. But at least I got to the root of the problem. When something makes ME uncomfortable... I try to get rid of the uncomfort. I'm getting kinda good at it. SHIT this made me cry... fucking a please tell me this isn't mere words but truth. Nah you know what, it IS truth. I'm in love with this analyaiss crap.

theese X ayone: uncomfortable....heh, that which makes us human. you tell me how to make you stop feelign that way
theese X ayone: or like you said...
theese X ayone: we might not get anywhere anytime soon...o.0
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: lol
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: yup
theese X ayone: im open for whatever dude, i dont know how to help you out there though...maybe the notion that all of a sudden we started talkign kind of psyched you out, making you feel uncomfortable? whatever it is, we'll deal with it. I'd like to..
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: lol id like to too luis
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: i think i need to "ease" into it more
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: than just jumping in

I'm done with this. Now I have to organize myself, and ease into this... cuz I'd like to be comfortable... and now that I just did the HARDEST thing I've had to do since the damn school year started, and I came out without a scratch!... I have to get myself in check. This happened, that happened, experience, experience. I'm thankful for all of it. God my head's pounding.... but we did it! no no.. *I* did it. Gotta stop crying

SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: keep the border around the "lit" graphic then just blacken the outsides
theeseXayone: yea
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: coo
theeseXayone: so text stands out better too
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: man u should teach me then i'll make u backgrounds
theeseXayone: whenever you want dude

Yea well... one of the biggest things to make me wanna hit myself repeatedly is how unbearably the type of liar I was. Well, maybe not liar, but all I was, was just words. Heh who isn't nowadays right... I was so... fuck, I was so happy that I had.. a friend that I did all to impress, regardless of whether I actualy meant 'whenever you want'. I meant it in my heart I guess... you know, hey.. we can go hang out whenever you want, it's all bullshit lies. I know damn well that I.. wanted to hang out right then and there... because you were the only thing keeping me from VERY luis-like things from back then, and I wanted to bask in the friendship and thank God for allowing it all to happen so fast...

BUT THINGS AREN'T FAST and I really REALLY didn't... mean some stuff when I seemed to mean it. You do it too, please. We're all a bunch of lost fucking teenagers full of words. I mean really... you were so damn encouraging and all thie crap about how you'd come to ME when you had to talk, or that you considered a close friend, but not quite yet close... mere words and no actions, that mademe push further... and then it got bad.

SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: i expected you to "get it"
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: but you tried WAY too hard
theeseXayone: yes yes
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: i guess i'm too used to dealing with the subtle things
theeseXayone: and you didnt say CRAP about it
theeseXayone: til it killed ya
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: that you just need to be told STRAIGHT UP
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: so i'ma tell u if u piss me off
theeseXayone: yeah, being subtle is sooooo 8th grade tim
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: and i dont care if u cry or any shit like that
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: what?
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: being subtle is so that i dont make you cry
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: brb
theeseXayone: .........
theeseXayone: blah
theeseXayone: *cries* SUBLTY MAKES FOR....confusion, no clarity, which still leads to cry
theeseXayone: so HA!
theeseXayone: if i woulda known where you were at, and if you were gonna let this friendship grow in time like we had constantly said but not applied.......we both coulda slept better.

Seriously... this might be wut killed me today. Words words, I guess in both our ways of... um... doing things, the biggest clash happened and well... look at me here, blogging, trying to make sense of the ruins, as if I'm the only one trying. So much went on at once that I should really take some notes.. which I'm tyring to do here but it's SO overwhelming that I'm gonna end up really bitter, again.

In this particular case... I guess all I heard was wods, words, never anything resembling what you SAID to me, so I reverted to PUSHING as I had done for SO many years... subtle words are bad alone, but words you don't carry out into real life? Those fucking HURT.. and me, barely changed thankx to talking to YOU, how was I supposed to react when the one person I felt would listen and support me, left? Yes whatever... both our fualts somehow.

I don't wanna finish. But I'm gonna.

As I keep going thru this, I got to the point where.. you could tell I wasn't letting go of my bad habit of being... err aggressive, anxious... and that made me very irritable, and made YOU very irritable. I can't believe you got mad at something you were doing too... mmm reading on... I guess dat's what intimidation is all about. Hell I'm still intimidated.. shit I was so scared of letting you down that I let EVERYONE down.. look at how hard I was trying to impress! I still get scolded for doing it... albeit not to this extent.

theeseXayone: heh, do u have any idea what im spewing =[
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: i know what you mean luis
theeseXayone: noone else does, but yuore tight like that 8-)
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: hahaha

I'm taking my time with this... blah and it's sucking ass.

This is getting harder and harder... is that a sign that I should stop and give up or that I'm closer to finding what I'm looking for in this cursed friendship?

SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: i dunno luis, sometime i feel underappreciated
theese X ayone: ...whered that come from?
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: things you know
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: i guess its the negleced side of me
theese X ayone: awww....i didnt know you felt neglected in one way or another
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: lol always
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: everyone does i think, just some know how to deal w/ it
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: otheres, dont.
theese X ayone: obviously *cough*
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: hey i didnt say names
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: lol

haha.. man I'm breaking into pieces here... good thing.

theese X ayone: bleh....I'm there if you wanna talk about it
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: o yea
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: i know
theese X ayone: but yea, im outta here, tyme to die for a while
theese X ayone: see ya tommorow
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: lool
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: latz
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: ur on my hit list now

Yeah... I was 3764725% more impatient back then... I learned THAT. Man if I keep posting these revelations for me to scan through.. I'm gonna end up with nothing but one huge ass headache. So much for privacy! This is my life... who cares though. I dont.

Hey so.. Michelle has this tight horoscope dalie and I got one and it made me laugh... SOMEHOW in the midst of this terribly hard experiment I'm in, it made me laugh. hahaha... yay!!

"Luis, today you may put your desire to constantly be in the spotlight aside, that is, if you are absolutely sure of other people's love for you. That's what your friends are for, if you would just take the time to listen to them, of course! Leos are like that, and you are certainly no different. You should be especially careful over the next few days because you may be especially sensitive."

Okay... my comp gives me 1.5 hours of net until it makes me restart... and lucky me as I restarted I found one of my old skool fav songs, which isnt even old.. shit i have a lot of reading to do. Blah...

All the times.. that I've cried.. All this that was wasted, It's all inside of me. Then I go back, searching for answers, and I feel all this pain, I Stuffed it down.. but It's back again.. And I lie.. here in bed, thinking, wondering, tearing away.. all alone, I can't mend. But after I get the guts to do something about it, and I think about how MUCH this all has consumed me before.. I feel tomorrow will be okay.

So for now, again, I'm on the outside.. and I'm looking in. I can see through you, see through everything.. and see your true colors. Inside you're ugly.. ugly like me. =] I can see through you.. See through the real you.

Reminds me of me.

Feel better . There's this thing I used to hear, you have to let things flow... hehe and relaxing and letting go of whats pent up inside will do the world wonders. I hope you feel better. Cuz I care..

Yeah anyway I went xmas shopping today, or started to, or tried... I walked all the way to Northridge (again) and I wasted what, all of my money.. and that was only gifts for 3 people =[. Yeah.. I don't know, what do you get somebody that you care about.. and you have no idea what they'd like? I tried looking for.. what's it called? a claddaugh ring... I soo need a job again. Maybe if I pimp my aznness I'll get a job at lollicup? hahaha

anyway... back to my research o_O. My head's been in a tizzy ever since I started reading these transcripts. I'm kind of sad but.. not depressed.. not that much. The holiday season makes me uneasy too. What do I want for xmas? =[