There’s something about the look in your eyes..
Something I noticed when the light was just right.
It reminded me twice that I was alive..
And it reminded me that you’re so worth the fight.

Whenever you're ready jerkface. =] I'm here. Have a good wkend erryone.

Yea wutever... never give up on me. Never give on yourself. Never give up bro... you've gotten too far to stop. You'll alwayz have me, ALWAYZ just like you were there for me. Whatever it is... I'll be here to pull you through. Ok enough emotional shit time for gifford...

Brdr123: i just read ur blog
theeseXayone: =]
Brdr123: i feel so naive!
Brdr123: what the hell is german style?

You like the new pics? I dunno... I dig them but should I take them off? You'll be seeing those in the yearbook courtesy of Nic.

These past few days have been okay... Peter and I are looking for NON-LAZY people for our ism group =]. Meg is back and I'm sooo glad <3 <3 <3... everyone seems to be dying, I love you Mollz! I guess I'm too preoccupied with other crap to blog much. Someone needs to inspire me... or whatever.

yo yo. So in core we've been reading the Painted Bird, and it's really good but... it's giving me unnecessary and unneeded depressing thoughts. This whole 'other' bullshit and the whole being pushed away, killed by groups because ur different.. it speaks to me. I was in the after skool metco meeting today and I realized that I still feel pushed away and kind of separated from my azn friends, when it comes to them being in a group together. Individually I can deal with people, I mean Peter's my bff ya know... butput him into a group with the other azns and I seem to lose him... or I lose myself. *sigh I dunno how to handle this.

*scene*

Luis: Hey Joesph, tell Peter about your dream dude!
Peter: What dream? You had a dream about me??
Joesph: Yeah I had a dream... it was of you and me having sex Peter, it was sooo good, we did it german style and we orgasmed inside each other and everything. So hot.
Peter and Luis: ...

That boy aint right... hahaha. Linn outline time.

OoPeek A Boo11: omg
OoPeek A Boo11: favorite 2 cds that u gave me
theeseXayone: hey mush
theeseXayone: @_@
OoPeek A Boo11: simpleplan/linkin park
theeseXayone: WHA?
OoPeek A Boo11: and the emu mix
theeseXayone: W00T
theeseXayone: emo
OoPeek A Boo11: <3
theeseXayone: haha
OoPeek A Boo11: haha

yay she's happier =]. Yeah I burned 4 cd's... whenever I burn a cd for someone, it has to have the songs that... mean the most to me. So within those krazy mixes she has taken a part of me. I'm glad too. Shit now to find a cd case.... argh! But anywayz today was... strange. Ugh I have so much due within the next week.. my mind is about to burst. Also, I'm so ditraught... so many of my friends are having very high or low periods of luck, happiness, life... I don't know how to be there for them without feeling helpless to help. *sigh I guess in some ways I just wanna show that I can be on the other side of these things... and not alwayz be the one who 'needs' someone to be there for em. I guess I'm doing my part but... I guess I feel I owe everyone so much. But whatev...

Oh and senior ad pics!!!!!! due this friday. I got alot of them..... but damnit I need a few more! This means you JEN! hahaha. I got the 5w337357 email back today... ahhhh. <3 time to drown in music.

Hmmm today was a slow sluggish blur... I guess Peter was sick again =[, heh. I had an awesome talk with Ms. Hill for lunch, and we ended up 20 minutes late to 5th period (again!). We caught up on alot of stuff, and she;s just SO awesome ya know... last time we actually had an 'intimate' conversation was around this time last year, wow... back when I had huge probs with Peter, and Tim was a close friend to me at the time... and you know talking to her and errything it made me realize how funny everything is. Now Peter's the best friend I have, and Tim is.. yeah. But good times, I realized also that I hold no grudges towards anything about last year anymore... sometimes we all just have to let go anyway. It was great hanging out with her again... thankx for the food and for letting me ditch half of Barkataki Ms. Hill!! <3<3

Anyway the day got progressively worse... aiya. Metco was good but... my buddy my Mush got her car broke into AGAIN and I'm SO angry that some fucking assholes have done this to you... I promise I'll do all I can to help out. It's just such a fucking outrage and I wanna kick someone's ass about this and... grrrr!!!!! GRRRRRRRRR You'll be fine buddy... I promise. I'm glad I was there to at least walk you out... ahhh. No worries... no worries. <3

Um these past two days were okay. Tired right now so.. I'll try my best to remember stuff. BEFORE IT GOES AWAY I have to jot down one of the more vivid dreams I have experienced in a long time...

First it was... hmm...the grassy area between D and E halls... it was cloudy, rather humid too... and it was me running around, playing with Michelle... Tim was there too O_O;;.. Matt and Jenny were like, doing stuff somewhere in the background... and it was strange. Innocent running around... playing, laughing, it was... weird. Michelle was so happy, and hell even Timothy was smiling. We were then chasing a puppy, all three of us, while Matt and Jenny were sitting down watching...ahhh. Somehow I end up with my clothes torn up badly and it's night-time, and I'm walking into my building...

apparently it was Esther's birthday (uh why would she celebrate it at my building?) and she says that all the guys are upstairs, and I should go say hey. I start feeling drained physically and I go up the stairs... and I turn to my immediate left (towards my door) and I see Peter, Peter An, Tim Chin and Eric Mason all plastered as FUCK in front of my door. (this is so weird...) I shake Peter a bit and he burps, ha.. so all of a sudden I pick him up on my back and try to open my door. He's freakin' out of it, breathing down my neck, trying to make a sentence but stumbles on his words... so I carry him to my bed and I go do the same for the other guys. My computer was on... I go to turn it off and I find all the guys on the floor (juh?) and my bed is empty, and for one reason or another, we all sleep on my floor, and the bed stays empty.

I don't know what I was on when I dreamed this lol. It was so vivid, so visual, I could feel all of it... wow I need to know what the fuck that was all about.

Anyway Brighton was my valentine <3, these two days have been a-okay... even had fun passing notes with Joe @ csun. Molly asked me to make her a 'depression' cd... and honest to God, I tried going back to the songs I listened to when I was... yeah... and I don't feel anywhere near the level of depression that I used to feel. I guess I'm finally past it all... or have been and didn't realize. Maybe I'll blog about that sometime. Such a DeAd DrEAmeR... I keep thinking about these dreams. Any ideas?

Esther: so do you have a valentine?
Luis: uh...

Today was good. I like no conflicts. Rody wrote me a love note o_O... everything went okay. Saw Michelle for like a minute, YES!!!!!1 =] I got a ton of Carls Jr coupons after negotiating with Elinor, Doreen and Peter. It's like monopoly money... Everyone seems to be ditching tommorow. Wanna?

Stormy ass day neh? Today would mark one year since... I first fell. The Power Pyramid will go down in history as the catalyst to my... long journey. Anyways today was very stormy... and it coincided with the power pyramid for the 11th graders, AND the heavy rains coincided with... our nasty nasty FIGHT yo. You have no idea how mad I got today... and the heavy rain and the wind all made me get more tense, and full of rage... I actually hated your ass for a while. I couldn't believe you pissed me off on purpose so MUCH like that. I wanted to pound your face in...

...but the wind started to give in, the rain got lighter, and as I cooled off... it eased down. You know we could never be mad at each other for so long. We're too alike, and for that reason alone, we're such awesome friends, yet at the same time, it makes us sick of one another's stupidity. Whenever we fight, it gets nasty, and we don't like that, do we? haha. I'm very glad we worked things out... we always do. Times like now after we worked it out that I remember why I've never given up on you... and why you're so much more to me than most other people in the world. God sent you to me. We be tight...w00t! Just never... arouse my anger like that again, I'll throw you in the mud. =]

"Sometimes... you just wanna give up. Sometimes I just wanna give up, and forget everything, and yell and scream and say FUCK YOU and move on, but no. One can never give up because, there's always... some shining light of hope. I'm glad we haven't given up... if it wasn't for you and your willingness to fight this all along with me, I would've given up... a long time ago. Much love." - Proverb

Glad I sent this ish out...

>AUGUST

>Loves to joke
>Attractive
>Suave and caring
>Brave and fearless
>Firm and has leadership qualities
>Knows how to console others
>Too generous and egoistic
>Takes high pride of oneself
>Thirsty for praises
>Extraordinary spirit
>Easily angered
>Angry when provoked
>Easily jealous
>Observant
>Careful and cautious
>Thinks quickly
>Independent thoughts
>Loves to lead and to be led
>Loves to dream
>Talented in the arts, music and defense
>Sensitive but not petty
>Poor resistance against illnesses
>Learns to relax
>Hasty and rusty
>Romantic
>Loving and caring
>Loves to make friends

So, Peter, Esther, Me, Rody... do we fit in anywhere on this? o_O Comment or something!

MICHELLE! MUSHFACE!! bwhahaha

This after skool ppl of color meetings we're having is really helping me put things into perspective.

I realized today that I am fascinated with the human mind... I really wanna get knee deep into psychology. Because of my fascination, I mentally probe people.. yeah. I try to see how their mind works, why it works that way, and what can be done to correct anything that wishes to be corrected. The thing is, try as I may to get into people's minds, because of the interest I have with them.... whenever I write about the person, or reflect, I have this.... stupid fucking uneasing feeling that people will think I am condescending, because I speak about whomever in such an analytical way.

Well I'm sick and tired of caring what people really think.... as if the people who aren't close in my life have any true bearing on me. I like being approved of, I like having friends everywhere... but I don't like having to be careful about everything I say. fuck that. I read blogs, I see peopel at school, I wanna write about Roy... about Minjung, about Nicole... aside from those I obviously spend time trying to 'figure out'. Peter, my bro!!!!... I wanna write about you, even though I have... extensively. Perhaps thinking too much will hinder me from doing anything BUT think, but I really don't care right now... I just wanna be in the know. Enlighten myself. The day I spent at my bro's house was very much the greatest time I spent... and I learned tremendously about him, moreso than ever. And I love the guy more because of it. So hopefully by writing things down about people, not necessarily in my blog, will I understand better... and maybe even better myself more than I already have. Maybe.

Linkin Park - Pushing Me Away: Linkin Park returns.

I've lied to you
The same way that I always do..
This is the last smile
That I'll fake for the sake of being with you..

(Everything falls apart,
Even the people who never frown
Eventually break down)
The sacrifice of hiding in a lie..
(Everything has to end,
You'll soon find we're out of time left
To watch it all unwind)
The sacrifice is never knowing

Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see you testing me.. pushes me away
Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see you testing me.. pushes me away

I've tried like you
To do everything you wanted to..
This is the last time
I'll take the blame for the sake of being with you..

(Everything falls apart,
Even the people who never frown
Eventually break down)
The sacrifice of hiding in a lie..
(Everything has to end,
You'll soon find we're out of time left
To watch it all unwind)
The sacrifice is never knowing

Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see you testing me.. pushes me away
Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see you testing me.. pushes me away

(We're all out of time,
This is how we find how it all unwinds)
The sacrifice of hiding in a lie..
(We're all out of time,
This is how we find how it all unwinds)
The sacrifice is never knowing..

Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see you testing me.. pushes me away
Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see you testing me.. pushes me away

Pushes me away...

B average on the report card ... how the FUCK didn't I get As in core. I fucking aced ALL OF IT except Gifford... whatever.

Today was a blah day, irritating, unsettling, something wasn't 'okay'... and I'm getting used to good days and such, so regressing back to shit wasn't kool. You stingy bastard! I wanna get mad but... I guess now it takes alot of somehting to make me angry. I'm just annoyed today. I almost broke my index finger after skool... ugh. What the hell was up with today sucking fucking ass?

Mr. Perfect, a wrestler I grew up watching, was found dead in his hotel room this afternoon. That made my day go from blah to bad. Everyone pray for him and his family... ughhh.

Dunno why but I really dig this one quote in an aim profile I saw just now: "Should I smile because we are friends, or cry because that is all we will ever be?"

Maybe today sucked ass because.. it was Monday. God I hope so. I really do.

Had loads of fun this weekend. Too bad I'm tired... mentally crapped out, and don't feel like blogging out details. We had fun right guys? xD

I made the best emo cd. Fuck you Matthew... it's a good cd. Thought alot about everybody this weekend. Pushing Me Away is my song to Tim. Or just one of them. See ya around.. I'm tired.

Isn't anyone tryin to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home
It's a damn cold night..
Trying to figure out this life
Wont you take me by the hand,
Take me somewhere new..
I don't know who you are but I..
I'm With You... I'm With You.

Nicole and Peter are helping me out with the senior ad... =] are you? hehe.

So I won't be going to winter formal. bummer, I was looking forward to seeing people, dancing with them, and not NEXT to them >_<... but today will be okay. Tim C., Peter, Joe and I are headed to Matt's house for some anime action ;-), and VIDEO GAMES! I need to chill out for a few days... this should be a very good start. Anyway... yeah. Gonna start making money somehow. I'm sick of being dirt poor. But before I thikn of anything or do anything about it... I must relax for a few days. Have fun!

I'm honestly thinking about ... getting rid of my infiniteprofile. I dunno, I feel that the last thing I wrote (which deals with... uhm people) signifies the end of something in my life, and the start of something new. If circumstance and God allow... hopefully this something new won't mean forgetting those from before.

In this tremendous time I've spent on earth, and specifically this past year, I've had this inner struggle to find... what I came to learn as my middle ground. Coming into contact with people last year, I was still very out of sync... out of whack, being very extreme in my emotions, after keeping everything in for the earlier portions of life. I've had extreme lows, and through those I found myself coming into extreme highs, and with those came extreme mood swings, extreme situations... I'm tired of the extreme.

I wanna continue the search for what I want in life, from myself, and from my friends. Sometimes, everything I've accumulated in this life hits me all at once, and I feel at a standstill... a nice middle. I guess I'll always slip down, and climb up somehow, someway. I just wanna bask in this middle space... before I try to do anything else. It's such a good feeling to have, too. Middle ground is the basis for what life entails! If I had any concept of this before... I wouldn't have bumped into Tim in such a tumultuous fashion. However had I already had this concept of a solid middle ground... I wouldn't have people like Peter in my life to teach me the way to be happy. God... I love you so much just for listening to me... ahhhhh. I don't know if I'll remove my infiniteprofile. Hell, one day I'll just fucking delete this blog, too. It just feels like.... sometimes I can't escape the little box in the buddy info window. I wanna express myself somewhere else sometimes. out there. With you. Cuz somehow... I'll always be with you.

Today we carry each other
Today we do what we should
Today is the time for forgiving
Today I wish I could..

I'm sorry, I can't lie.. I wasted too much time
Drowning, I've been blind..
But I opened up my eyes
Sorry I can’t lie... So I'll just say
goodbye, goodbye.. goodbye. yeah..

I haven't had a mood swing in a while..

SO MUCH IN MY HEAD GO AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wanna be fair to you. You mean... the world to me. I don't wanna be upset when I hear that you're talking to or hanging out with someone else... even though I do it alot as well. I love you THAT much... I'm trying to better myself. And You'll never know it, and prolly never see it... because this a mental challenge for me. Ugh... why do I care so much. I love you... love love love. That scares the crap out of me.

Those times we get to be together... I feel so happy, just because your near... and when I see you staring into nothingness, and when I see you laugh, and smile.... it makes me love you even more. I really don't wanna feel like shit when you're not around anymore.... I don't wanna feel left out or like you don't care about me when you hang out with them... her... him... anyone. I have to learn that you won't just leave me... you'll be there. And the mere fact that YOU out of so many came to me and told me alot of things, and connected with me in ways I've never felt before.... ugh. Love.

yay for blogs

Oh and Timothy... I read your blog. You go through weird mood swingz, just like me. I remember this one time, talking to Julez... she said we were alike in alot of ways. I kinda see it now. I'm just glad I got through today. ahh... ! a day AT A TIME!

Yeah. This life is a krazy life. I wouldn't ever exchange it for another.

theeseXayone: :-)!
Psykdelicchik21: :-)

=]

The scars I have lived with... I can't easily hide. But... I can do what I can to heal em. I feel like I finally closed up a dark chapter in my life... and the same people involved have opened the door to a new one. I wonder, still... are you proud of me? I don't need you to be, I can't be ideal.... yeah... I just feel that peace I've wanted for a long time. Even if Ashley had to be there to see me get it. Good day... just hope I can keep this up.

Such a good day... ugh.

Nothing's gonna change the things that you said..
Nothing's gonna make this right again..
Please don't turn your back I.. can't believe it's hard
Just to talk to you, but you don't understand...

- Simple Plan

I can move past it but do NOT ask me to ever forget. Please... never forget. It's made me such a better person.

TOO MUCH THINKING

Psykdelicchik21: it doesnt make sense. none of it makes sense
theeseXayone: I KNOW!!! ...u really dont want me to talk to him tuesday do you
Psykdelicchik21: but ok luis. if thats what u want. ive said all i can. im outta tihs
Psykdelicchik21: no...its not up to me
Psykdelicchik21: do what u feel is right
Psykdelicchik21: im not gonna be the mediator anymore
Psykdelicchik21: so do what u feel is right. u are both nearly adults
theeseXayone: im sorry that ive put u in that position
theeseXayone: so yeah... honestly i have to end it myself instead of 'dropping' it
theeseXayone: if you can see where im coming from
Psykdelicchik21: it wasnt just u. it was me, and it was him
Psykdelicchik21: so do what u have to
Psykdelicchik21: to get what u want
Psykdelicchik21: im off to bed. u should get some sleep too
Psykdelicchik21: good nite.
theeseXayone: thats the plan stan
theeseXayone: good nite.
theeseXayone: thx for the suggestions too
theeseXayone: and everything.
Psykdelicchik21: just remember. u need to look a little harder to see the reality of things
Psykdelicchik21: np
Psykdelicchik21 signed off at 12:14:37 AM.

KrnGrlx107: man why do you have to have a conflict w/ tim hsu out of all people
KrnGrlx107: haha
KrnGrlx107: making things so hard..
KrnGrlx107: heh
KrnGrlx107: i don't know why i tried..
KrnGrlx107: i dont' know why i expected anything at all

HatakeKaKashl: And someone's life depends on it
HatakeKaKashl: Luis
HatakeKaKashl: You're thinking too much
HatakeKaKashl: I thought you hated being rational
theeseXayone: damnit not again :-(
theeseXayone: :'(
theeseXayone: i DO
theeseXayone: ugh
theeseXayone: i hate it hate it hate it
HatakeKaKashl: What's your instincts tell you
HatakeKaKashl: To go tell him that you wanna talk
HatakeKaKashl: Right?

OoPeek A Boo11: my only worry is that you won't get the results you want because people aren't ready to deal with you, and you'lll get more deep into a hole
theeseXayone: .... cant someone make them talk to me then?
theeseXayone: skools gonna be over and... people are gonna make excuses to avoid me
theeseXayone: which they have been
theeseXayone: so.. :-(
OoPeek A Boo11: i dunno sweetie...i guess if you feel comfortrable enough to confront someone, then go for it, but know what you're trying to search for because if you go in confused, you're jujst going to get a confused answer

X r e t 3 P: it just isnt worth it.
X r e t 3 P: nothing like that is

*sigh ... I'm gonna get it back MYSELF. I won't be harsh, I won't be mean... I'll just give myself the peace I need. for good.

I get to see Nic tommorow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YES I need her.

Friday nite was tite... got to go out w/ mom, it was fun. I don't mean my mother either.

I feel a little more clear or whatever, about how I was feeling before. I thikn I let the past overtake me too much sometimes. I need to handle this carefully - especially since this can really perpetuate more shit in my life if I'm not careful. So no more talking about THAT, unless it's with someone one on one. Yeah. Which reminds me to remind Peter about the metco meeting tuesday. Yay for remembering..

This is the first sat nite I spend all alone in a while... I wanna do so many things.

-I wanna play 'cube with Peter. I wanna go to his house again, or hang out somewhere.
-I wanna drive.
-I wanna go to a GA meeting w/ Nicole.
-I wanna have classes w/ Michelle.
-I wanna scan all the pics I have and make a webpage akin to Nic's pic section.
-I wanna live in a house.
-I wanna erase my old habits out of existence.
-I wanna go out w/ SO many people... it's ridiculous. Which in a way for me means, I wanna make up for... lost time.
-I wanna learn Korean (still!)
-I wanna have my n64 back. I'm tired of being misled, tired of feeling fucked with... so if it means being really aggressive and confrontational, then so BE IT.
-I wanna make everyone feel better. Tim seems to only wanna deal with me when he's on an emotional high. I can understand that, but I don't have the time.
-I wanna know what will become of me these next 5 months... which will prove crucial to the very essence of my being. I wanna be smarter...
-I wanna enjoy every lasting second I have w/ my people. Sometimes I feel I don't embrace the moment enough.
-I wanna stop wanting... and start acting upon the want. I'll start soon >P

Such an ambitious man today... well more than usual. Is that possible? So angry so happy... so twizted... watch out world!

Oh yeah and I wanna finish paying for that fucking senior ad. I need donations! =[