Why is it that one small sign of somebody showing they care...or that they acknowledge you....gets you so worked up.

I dunno, but I love it. I'm just bloggin to say haha...I feel good right now. it wont last

Oh, to my homie Zo...listen. What I wrote is kinda objective dude.. you know as well as I do what my main problem is, and it's more complicated than it seems, but ya know what, thankx for even reading the damn thing... at least I know somoene listens right? It seems everybody in the world likes to peer into other's lives to see what's going on, and once never knows who does that to them...well, until now. peace to j00 man.

Anyway, look! Check what day it is!!!!! Now go check da second or so blog link......

I'm so proud. Even if u dunno what to say my friend, you know that regardless, you have the potential, you have the friend to support you...now go do your shit...haha =]

I might scare the shit out of you.. =] but,

but this is my personal blog, so try to empathize a little.

I was checking my mail through Paden's comp today since I have no 6th and.. I got a wake up call from somebody I don't 'know' but I know of, heh. If it wasn't me getting the response, she may have just caused a teen to get further depressed.

Good thing it was me then. Basically, I'd been wondering for a while.. I've been on a journey, to find this so called...middle ground, whether this middle ground is with people, or my emotions, or how I speak..

I guess I still held on to certain method that kept me typecasted as too...uh, agressive, blunt, creepy.. and it hurt before, or still hurts, when I frst heard it, and seeing the results from that, I really tried to fix myself up.

I guess I didn't get so far in the writing department, and thankx to this lovely lady I now know that well, I have to stop being so fucking...frank. =] I guess I hadn't notticed it until I asked somebody's opnion from an outside perspective... so thank you.

Anyway, I would like to say who this person is but....believe me, if I did...I'd be considered even more creepy. Especially by those who read this on occasion. Later

PS I wrote the best thing in my journal....hahaha latez


Fear less, hope more;
Whine less, breathe more;
Talk less, say more;
Hate less, love more;
And all good things are yours.

thx dude. This actually inspired me when I read it..I'm sick of being all talk, and well, no speak.. thx again =]

Now to reword it, as usual...haha xP... woo ai nii.


So I reminisce again.. Let's GO CHILL =]

I'm so tired...skool is really working us over like packet machines, I wanna fuckin' SLEEP...

I got some stuff from Chris this week, Pete ain't around to share the wealth so eh...I guess it's back to the usual, be alone and reflect, kind of weekend. I hate being so fucking fuck alone... why is everyone so fucking busy and out with their buddys except me huh????? Shit, I won't even get into that...racial and social shit has to do with that, believe you me. Juss wait til I write about that crap...

I reposted this really layered story in my journal, one I posted here once I wrote it, I'm glad I can do that kind of complicated type of writing crap =]...more power to me for creative writing right? hahaha, whatever.

My blog messes up alot and it makes me not wanna type no more...now I know why Peter never ever blogs. He still should tho...that boy can be 'deep' and whatever shit you wanna label me, too. Just read his old shit...and he shoulda written something about disneyland. Best day of the year deserves something right?

Anyway, I feel real stuck in limbo. Dunno how to handle much when so much is threatening my stability. Maybe if I got one last shot of hope into me, I could finally make it, and drop this raincloud from my mind... and hang out HOPEfully and use my N64 once more. latez


Man, I knew I'd reminisce. Just looking back at old conversations fucking makes me think...

I mean now everything is so different...how the hell did things change like THAT??

SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: thx man

Auto response from theese X ayone: journals rule. so does burning cd's

SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: ur too cool :-D
theese X ayone: what, read my new journal already? =-O
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: oh no
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: i mean for IDs
theese X ayone: ooooh
theese X ayone: heh
theese X ayone: anytime dude
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: haha
theese X ayone: im making your cd right now, but this biotch keeps freezing
theese X ayone: ahhh here we go
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: hahaha
theese X ayone: ill be back when its done
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: i'll make a CD!
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: ok

Tell me when you've had enough, sir Teran.

PJMAbabe: terran terran terran go to bed terran
theeseXayone: *teran
theeseXayone: ;-);-)
PJMAbabe: opps
PJMAbabe: i got carried away

Maybe being carefree wasn't for me ever..

theeseXayone: i dont spill it often you know
X r E t 3 p: hahah
X r E t 3 p: im glad that ur getting better and as i see u happy it makes me feel as though there is hope in this world
X r E t 3 p: REALLY
X r E t 3 p: i just want
X r E t 3 p: to find someone that i love
theeseXayone: awwww
X r E t 3 p: and loves me back
X r E t 3 p: and to know i have some TRUE frends
X r E t 3 p: its good

awwww fuck... you got a fuckin true friend right here you ass >:O

Brdr123: im the exact opposite
physical contact makes me SOOOOOOOOO uncomfortable
theese X ayone: hmmmmmm.......im gonna have to hug you hard tommorow then 8-)
Brdr123: oh nooooooooo theres nothing ever about me, haha i rely on other peoples drama!

oh mom.... mom mom mom. =]

TnInChEr14: caBRON
theeseXayone: :-[!!!!
theeseXayone: what
theeseXayone: blah
TnInChEr14: ur the first guy i got close to actually in core
theeseXayone: what..ur lying
TnInChEr14: and i actually talked to outside and skool oh ,y bad u are the only guy i actually talk to outside of skool
TnInChEr14: dude serouisly i never talked to anyone outside of core
theeseXayone: why dude
TnInChEr14: dude its wierd
theeseXayone: come on, explain it to me
TnInChEr14: i dont really know why u were the only guy i spoke to outside of skool
TnInChEr14: ok i think its cause we youre the only guy who actually appraoched me before the gender unit
TnInChEr14: and before that it was only a class thing
theeseXayone: really?
TnInChEr14: but its diffrrent with u, remenber that time we spoke like an hour on the phoien for the first time

Juan....where the FUCK are you???????

NerdoNeat: oh....welll, i mean justin timberlake is very attractive - but stupid
NerdoNeat: and not interesting
theeseXayone: hes....ghetto fabulous
NerdoNeat: i like to say ghetto fab
NerdoNeat: shorter
theeseXayone: yeah
NerdoNeat: but yes, definitely no proclaimed hotties
theeseXayone: bleh...call me old fashioned
NerdoNeat: studio audience: "You're old fashioned!!!!"
NerdoNeat: hahahahah
NerdoNeat: i slay me

Somethings, though these are rare, do not change. Thank god...

YooHooYooHoo4: hey luis
YooHooYooHoo4: thanks
theeseXayone: hey dude
theeseXayone: ?? for what dude
YooHooYooHoo4: ur always defending me and i never ever said thanks to u
YooHooYooHoo4: seriosuly thanks alot
theeseXayone: :-[
YooHooYooHoo4: i just realizd taht i have ben th biggest jackass towarsds u

Roy... heh, such a freakin weird experience, but its all good. I think.

Fiver and Pipkin: luis
Fiver and Pipkin: luis
Fiver and Pipkin: luis
Fiver and Pipkin: luis
Fiver and Pipkin: luis
Fiver and Pipkin: luis
Fiver and Pipkin: luis
Fiver and Pipkin: i talked to peter
theeseXayone: wha
Fiver and Pipkin: he says he considers you to be a really true friend - which he doesn't have that many of
theeseXayone: :-[
theeseXayone: you lie
Fiver and Pipkin: but, he doesn't know if he wants your help figuring out his issues because he doesn't think he has any - but he knows you're there if he would ever need you
Fiver and Pipkin: and i'm not lying
Fiver and Pipkin: he said it
theeseXayone: are you sure....
Fiver and Pipkin: i'm sure
Fiver and Pipkin: if it's not true then he's lying - and i don't think he was
theeseXayone: did you save the convo....
Fiver and Pipkin: uh . . . . no
theeseXayone: . . . . . eh
Fiver and Pipkin: sorry
theeseXayone: i believe you
theeseXayone: its just a lil too....i dunno, EXACTLY what i wanted :-[
Fiver and Pipkin: believe me luis - i think you feel bad because you refuse to believe anything good about yourself or that people really care about and love you
theeseXayone: i admit im overly negative
theeseXayone: but wow....thats touching
Fiver and Pipkin: you're always so caught up in helping others that you overlook the amount of gratitude and love that people like peter have for you
theeseXayone: :'( stop.....sounds too good for believement
Fiver and Pipkin: he said he has told you already that you're a really good friend to him
theeseXayone: wait, i have to read what with my eyes
theeseXayone: what?
Fiver and Pipkin: he said he told you he thinks of you as a good friend
theeseXayone: i was probably asleep :'(
Fiver and Pipkin: you were probably too busy ignoring it because it was positive and it was about you
theeseXayone: maybe.....
theeseXayone: wish i could remember it
Fiver and Pipkin: peter might not ever write you a letter like i did about how much he cares, but i think he really does, even if it's a lot more subtle
theeseXayone: but ahhh....it hits the spot, makes me feel better slightly
theeseXayone: at least i have SOMETHING
Fiver and Pipkin: people express thier affection in different ways - peter is one of the tricky ones
Fiver and Pipkin: GUYS are the tricky ones
theeseXayone: heh, as am i.....who else has epiphanies about emotions and stalks people to tell them?
Fiver and Pipkin: Jesus
theeseXayone: .........
Fiver and Pipkin: Jesus did it
theeseXayone: ...............:-\
Fiver and Pipkin: you're getting all religious on me aren't you?
theeseXayone: hahahah
theeseXayone: you wish
theeseXayone: Pixzone v//2.0 3600 hits!!!!!!
theeseXayone: yayayayya
Fiver and Pipkin: i have enough Bibles to use as fire kindling thank you
Fiver and Pipkin: so do you feel ok?
Fiver and Pipkin: better?
theeseXayone: i feel better
theeseXayone: i guess
theeseXayone: stronger
theeseXayone: motivated?
Fiver and Pipkin: encouraged?

I derno...was it all true? =[ Man o man times change fast...heh, Amy xD

Justineisthabest: Lu Lu i <3 you.
Xret3p: sup bro.. dang today was a crzyyyyyyyyyyyy day.. i had sooooo much fun at disneyland~!!!!!!! hahahah thankz man.. hope u had a good time too.. and drive safely or you die!! haha i dunno wut to write im delirious rite now.. haha head is spinning............. woOoO ok laterz.. peace.
Nerdoneat: So, just how much do i love Luis Teran, you might ask. Well, I'll tell you: I_______________________________I <--about that much; which is just enough to work up the nerve to sign this thing. Lucky boy.
Kev: we'll always have wuf...don't forget ;)
Sonicblastoise: funny, i never saw it that way. maybe you need to realize i don't want not to talk to you, i want you to independent. what i got from you is that you weren't willing to let go. that pissed me off, so i got harsh. you peeled off, slowly, but you still hold onto it. all i need you to do is let go.
Hazeleyes5585: hey sweety! i just want u to know that i am proud of u. i know i may sound motherly but i really am, b/c u did something u've been struggling with for a while. if u ever need to talk u know i am always here. and always remember the good times.....dr.goldman.....anoja...u....me....makes a very good combination. luv ya always =)
Sonicblastoise: sup LJ, you freaky guy...scares me sometimes...i hope you're not as intimidated as i am of oyu as you are of me as i do to you...or we might not get anywhere. o.O O.o O.o o.O
Athena8618: Man... I'd better get payed for endorsing this site, Luis... I'm that cool... You're not :)
Burnbagger23: LJ, I treasure you like pennies...which are virtually useless and worthless but still valuable in their own way! Peace out...
Neonturtle6: LJ is a hot muthafucka.....do me baby do me now.
Outsideerr: hi, lets sex sometime k ;]
Yurvoiceofreason: blah, LuLu, you loser, i lub j00! BE HAPPY!!! ~peace ~Pyro~
Babixsilly23: luis~! you're such a cool guy. keep your head up and don't let anything bring you down ok? and if you look hard enough, you'll see you do have good friends around you. =)...(letter)

My guestbook! Holy shit... I need to stop this already. Maybe more later. whatever...

Which Recurring Kevin Smith Character Are You? Take the test here

Quizzes on random shit rule.

Outside by Staind is THEE FUCKING SONG, dude. Just for the moment. Or year...

I sound pretty fucking angry nowadays, hell, look at my journal...I can't believe such shit happens in this world. I was reading my blog's mini summary under where it says drained, and I laughed at how FUCKING ACCURATE my long-standing motto is... this week it did feel like I got sent back to Point A, I'm broken in so many ways right now...I can't mend this shit again.

But you know, I have to be thankful for one thing, if only one right now.

That would be Nicole.

I used to have a big crush on her in 7-8th grade...hahaha oh man, we seemed to hate each other back then. 1st day of 7th, we pass by each other and I go to hug her right, and she says, "You still come here??"

Anyway, she's one of the very very few people in my life that I have close to me, that I know since jr. high.

But, we only got to be 'close' friends this year, so I'm experiencing a lot of new things from her that well, it took years to finally grasp for myself.

It sucks that in my life, I was always sent downhill, and therefore shut myself down to knowing people, I was such a jerk... I only know people for about a year, while most of them have friends since fucking elementary skool, so of COURSE I'm not to them, what they are to me...it's painful as hell and makes me very angry...only this past year I got to open myself up to new people and new things, and while I experienced (and still do quite often) growing pains while in the process, I gained valuable shit. Very valuable.

She is one of them.

I may have known her for 6 - 7 years, but I only got to 'know' her this year, and whatever, I am grateful that at least I DID get the pleasure of being a part of her life...

Man oh man...I'm gonna reminisce a lot this year.


its funny how one minute you think you can trust a person because you've made yourself vulnerable and showed so much of that part of yourself that you hide, and they comfort you. i will never make that mistake again. this person said they would be there for me and help me but now they're gone for no good reason. they have problems just like i do but thats no reason to bail out on me. is it? cant we just both be there for each other, giving each other comfort? why are you so quick to give up? i thought you were better than that. i guess i need to stop assuming. well i've learned a lot from this.....watch who you trust because you can end up very hurt in the end. thats all for now. bye :'(


You have no idea how much I agree....and if you only knew what happened this week, you'd know why. =]...=/


x g0t NiC x:

i hate the way you talk to me
and the way you cut your hair
ihate the way you drive my car.
i hate it when you stare.

i hate your big dumb combat boots
and the way you read my mind.
i hate you so much it makes me sick.
it even makes me rhyme.

i hate...
i hate the way you're always right.
i hate it when you lie.
i hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry.

i hate it that you're not around
and the fact that you didn't call
but mostly I hate the way I don't hate you
not even close, not a little bit, not even at all.

theeseXayone: damnit
theeseXayone: i love that part
theeseXayone: :-(
x g0t NiC x: me too

I just need some fuckin comfort sometimes I guess... I love that fucking scene in the movie too. 10 things I hate about j00


Dat last song was for Sarah Suh, I think I found my voice of reazon. Anyway, I learned alot of new shit today that pisses me off but at least explains alot to me. I hope the flow goes well yo, I really do. Fuckin' people. LATAAAAAAAAH~~~~!1

I heard you're doing okay
But I want you to know
I'm a dic-
I'm addicted to you
I can't pretend I don't care
When you don't think about me
Do you think I deserve this?

I tried to make you happy but you left anyway

I'm trying to forget that
I'm addicted to you
But I want it and I need it
I'm addicted to you
Now it's over
Can't forget what you said
And I never wanna do this again

Since the day I met you
And after all we've been through
Still a dic-
I'm addicted to you
I think you know that it's true
I'd run a thousand miles to get you
Do you think I deserve this?

I tried to make you happy
I did all that I could
Just to keep you
But you left anyway

How long will I be waiting?
Until the end of time
I don't know why I'm still waiting
I can't make you mine

I'm addicted to you

I need to have this shit fixed once and for all...this year can't go on this way. I don't wanna end up like I have been, for the rest of the year....god save me, YOU, FUCKING SAVE ME.




X r E t 3 p: nite
theeseXayone: later bro
X r E t 3 p signed off at 11:34:08 PM.

i love this bastard. i hope he loves me somehow too.. no don't get me wrong (I hate that) but honestly I love the guy..I guess after thinking about all my friendships today, I got to him, and I realized how fucking...IMPORTANT he is to me..I bet you anything all our other friendz, especially the dudes we chill with, don;t feel nor say half of what I do..like I said in my journal, I haven't known you forever Pete, but I wish I did, cuz u pretty much keep me from dying. I swear to god (I never swear to god btw). Like, I know, you told me on the fone not to try too hard to seem worthy of being ur friend, and hell, if you mean that I;ll do it somehow. I guess since I've only had very few ppl near me, and since I've started to 'talk'...I wish you would talk too, and that u told me how you felt in general, and how u feel about ME, I know it sounds real stupid and almost strange and uncomfrting, but we know what I'm talkin about dude. I told ya on the fone, that ur my best friend, and I just wish we could do more things together, at sometime. Talkin' online and talkin' for a little bit at skool doesn't seem like enough...

Dude it fucking pisses me shit out of me when you ignore me...like I know you know other people for a longer time but WTF? Stop treating me different, why can you chill with everybody else in a group EXCEPT FUCKIN ME? I don't even wanna think it yo... u told me once u hate being alienated....YOU DO IT TO ME ALL THE FUCKIN TIME....SHIT, and when we do talk its all fuckin great bro, but once we're in a group, w/ people u know for a longer time, ppl I guess you like better, you fuckin drop m e off.......(&^@(*&!^

...but how do I tell u this without seeming too....ehhh...clingy and forceful.

O I know.

I won't tell you. I hope one day you tell me, though. nite.

I just wanna hang out with my friendz, make sure we spend time together, be happy, forget problems....wanna make sure people know I'm there for them, with them, alwayz....Peter and Shannon and Nic and TIM and everyone... it's time to speed shit up. wo0o0o...


theeseXayone: did u go out or something?
X r E t 3 p: yea
X r E t 3 p: went to go eat
theeseXayone: theres only 4 q's
X r E t 3 p: for moms birthday
theeseXayone: tight
theeseXayone: o0o0o
X r E t 3 p: ok
theeseXayone: did you buy her stuff xP
X r E t 3 p: diinner?
theeseXayone: ...i dont listen to logic thx

Yeah, I need a lot of stability RIGHT FUCKING NOW.

I need some fucking stability.


I am truly passionate.

You're excited about life and in touch with yourself and nature. Tell me, do I have this straight?

Virtues: You appreciate humor like none other. Puns might even spark laughter in you (TEHY R FUNNI). You seek adventure and connection with your surroundings. You seek friends who will not only share laughs with you but actually form a deep bond of trust and empathy beneath the surface. You look for adventure and courage in people, and variation is necessary to keep you under control. You see yourself as multi-faceted, so you need people who can see you in your many lights. You're constantly trying to figure yourself out while analyzing the people around you. Silly, silly people.

Aspirations: You can't decide what you want to be yet, but you know you want it to be adventures and interesting, with constant changes. You don't know what love will do for you yet, but it's competing with adventure for a place in your heart. An internal conflict has begun: can you be a successful worker, lover, and parent all at once?

Quirks: Noise of any sort is irritating when you're in the mood. Smacking gum, loud chewing, humming- it's about as pleasing as bodily noises. You dislike emaciated people because of jealousy and just plain disgust. You're a procrastinator but a hard worker, too.

Factors: You need constant attention and support. You're high-maintnence, but a great, reliable friend. Nature needs you and you need nature; it's helped thus far, so keep in touch with the outside world.

Future: Who knows! You absolutely need constant change, so vacationing is surely in the cards. Will you settle down or not? Love will find you eventually, as it does to everyone. Will you choose the sweet home life or the rewarding busy-bee life?

Find your soul type
at kelly.moranweb.com.

You know as time passes by and as I have to deal with the things I must deal with, things with Peter and Nicole and Matt and everyone...there's alwayz one more person that I wish I had things to deal with so to speak, cuz things were left like crap ya know...this is when I listen to my current fav song...

Don't Mind Lai-Lai Boy

I'mma try not to mind as the song dictates...becuz I just wanna spend time with the people mentioned above, I really do. Maybe after my mind has calmed, I can 'mind' lai lai boy...heh.


So I can't sleep. whatever...

"Enth E Nd"
(feat. Kutmasta Kurt, Motion Man)

Hey yo when this first started off it was just Linkin Park...
Then in the middle came Motion Man...
And at the end of it all it was Kutmasta Kut wit a remix [echo]

one thing i don't know why
it doesn't even matter how hard you try
keep that in mind I designed this rhyme when I was obsessed with time
all i know, time was just slipping way
and i watched it count down till the end of the day
watched it watch me and the words that i say
the echo of the clock rhythm in my veins
i know that i didn't look out below
and i watched the time go right out the window
trying to grab hold, trying not to watch
i wasted it all on the hands of the clock
but in the end no matter what i pretend
the journey is more important than the end or the start
and what it meant to me will eventually be
a memory of the time when i tried so hard

i tried so hard
and got so far
but in the end
it doesnt even matter
i had to fall
to lose it all
but in the end
it doesnt even matter

yo one thing, one thing i don't know why
it doesn't even matter how hard you try
keep that in mind i designed this rhyme to explain the due time
all i know, time to so-socialize like the host of the party
all for shake and made eye contact
party control showing all that
northeast, southwest coast
stand out the window, no opportunity to mingle
i tried to show her, if you could just sense a middle disorder
i brought you back of the thing
like the imaginary man of your dreams
well, you would always seem to make it worth it
a sleek skin i never nerved you
you felt lovin, i never applied a room
without bringing the plan
by any means and means of leaving you teens,
of all those teenage scenes, i tried so hard

i tried so hard
and got so far
but in the end
it doesnt even matter
i had to fall
to lose it all
but in the end
it doesnt even matter

linkin park, remix, Mo Mo Mo Motion Man
linkin park, in the end, Kutmasta Kutmasta Kut Kutmasta Kurt
linkin park, remix, Mo Mo Motion Man
linkin park, in the end, Kutmasta Kurt

one thing i don't know how
it doesn't even matter when you look at it now
because when i designed this rhyme i was scared of it all
scared to fall, i hadn't even tried to crawl
and i was forced to run, with you mocking me
stopping me, back stabbing me constantly
remembering all those times you fought with me
watch the clock now chop full of hypocrisy
and now your mouth wishes it could inhale
every single little thing you said and make it expel
every single word you sputter just to get your piece, but it really doesn't matter to me
because from the start to the end no matter what i pretend
the journey is more important than the end or the start
and what it meant to me will eventually be
a memory of the time when i tried so hard

i tried so hard
and got so far
but in the end
it doesnt even matter
i had to fall
to lose it all
but in the end
it doesnt even matter..
in the end

* Akane no Komori Uta *

Singer: Akane Tendo/Noriko Hidaka
Lyricist: Yuuroku Yoshiko
Composer/Arranger: Kawai Kenji
Translation by: Teresa Martin

kimi wa nee
itsumo tsuppatteru kara
kitto nee
tsukarechaun da yo Mu--

negao wo miteru to sonna ki ga suru


gunnai GUNNAI Good night
utatte ageru

Akane no komoriuta

yume ni nee
moshi mo watashi ga dete tara
unto nee
yasashiku-shitai na Mu--

tabun muri da to wakatte-iru kedo

ii no

gunnai GUNNAI Good night
utatte ageru

Akane no komoriuta

konya wa

gunnai GUNNAI Good night

I need this shit to sleep. Goodnight. x[

this too.

*Jajauma ni Sasenaide*

Performed by:Etsuko Nishio
Composer: Yukinojo Mori
Arrangement: Kunio Matsumura
Released Thru: Kitty Records
Used in On-Air Episodes: Ranma ½ 1-18 (Opening Theme)
Used in Viz Video Episodes: Ranma ½ 1-18
Translated by: Toshifuma Yoshida for the Ranma ½ Video Jukebox

Yappa paa, yappa paa, iishanten
Hashagu koi wa, ike no koi
Yappa paa, yappa paa, iishanten
Mune no tai wa, dakaretai

Wake mo wakarazu ni
Ranma, Ranma de
Hi ga kurere
Kimi to atte kara...

Ranma, Ranma de
Nanda-kanda to
Sutta monda no

Naze motto shizuka ni
"Suki da you" to ienai no?

Hariau to aashi mo
Jajauma ni natchau!

Beru mo narasazu ni
Soyokaze no yô ni
Mune no wan-ruumu
Sumitsuita kimi na no

Meiaku yo, dakedo...
Konya dake ii wa
(...Ashita made ii wa)

Mitsumerareu tabi
Ranma, Ranma de me ga mawaru
Koi ni narisó de...

Ranma, Ranma de
Tanma-tanma de
Sonna mon ne to


How's this for old skool LJ, This'll pass by tommorow when I regret ever typing this. :

Fuck you, fuck you and your stupid hypocracy, fuck you and your ways of manipulating people and sucking them dry. Feel fuffilled now?

Fuck how everything you write and say seems so honest and true, fuck how it seems the WHOLE FUCKING WORLD is available to interact with you except me, who actually fucking cares.

Fuck how this is so important, fuck how it had to be you who I first opened up to ever. Fuck your confusion, because its taking too long to be clear.



theeseXayone: we're so lazy.
X r E t 3 p: type ur notes up
X r E t 3 p: =]
theeseXayone: hmmm
X r E t 3 p: or at least
theeseXayone: what will i get in return ;-)
X r E t 3 p: tell me the stuff
theeseXayone: i dont type notes
theeseXayone: but
theeseXayone: since ur peter
theeseXayone: ill like...make a copy
theeseXayone: heh
theeseXayone: why cant i ever say no to you

Who DOESN'T love this jerk huh? xD

Back to skool...back to state of mind...back to life as I knew it.

It was such a vivid dream, I woke up kinda spooked, cuz sumetimes dreams feel real, but this one didn't, it felt like, surreal, like somehting that should happen, but won't. Yes, I'm as confused as you, heh.

I mean, if this is God's way of irritating me to no end, he's succeeded, cuz you know, having such weird recurring dreams, and maybe talking about em, makes me seem obsessed ya know? I didn't ask for this...I didn't at all

It was just me...sitting in this dimly lit white room. You could hear the emptiness of the place as not even the air made noise to keep me company. There was nothing but beautiful decor of white rubber surrounding me. It looked like one of those crazy ppl houses where uh, crazy ppl are sent to, like Peter An's house... xP

But I wasn't actually alone was I. You were there, unfortunately. It's just like me to be stuck in a stupid circumstance with you too, even though we both don't seem to like it. No middle ground, aye, we can both say THAT again. It was odd, it felt like my uncle's old empty room in Palmdale. Such a huge house, such an empty feeling, but you were stuck sitting next to me, because things like this just never go away, do they? heh.

Maybe it was inevitable, or maybe I dreamed it cuz somewhere inside, I just wanna get out of this mess. Why we were bound by streight jackets, I dunno. Maybe to compliment the crazyhouse mantra of the place. Maybe it was a crazyhouse, we're both some phucked up people you know that? Even good ol Anna Kim thinks so, confused up the yase as she says. But why did we have to be sitting on the floor face to face like that? Is it because it's the only way we ever have any contact? Or had any without casuing shit to epxlode...

My good ol' N64 was in a corner of that huge room, on a glass panel. Both my controllers were connected, but put at as big a distance as possible from each other. Such poetry that is aint it..connected somehow, but kept far apart. For them tho, it isn't a big deal. Nor for you I bet, but it's freaky to me. Like why is it everything had to be so fucking full of friction, yes I will blame some of it on you, why did it have to happen like this? My jacket got tighter, I wanted to get out of there. You don't just not talk to someone for several months and end up the next moment locked in some padded cell with noone else around but you.

You didn't seem happy either, hell, more displeased than me. But why? It's not like you haven't had your time alone to think about everything. You've had all this time to re-organize yourself, get over it like I've tried to, why was your face so fucking unhappy huh? Did you realize what everybody else has, that you're a mess inside? That you need to stop acknowledging it and start fixing it? Why wouldn't you just lift your head and acknowledge that I was stuck in there too, albeit against my wishes? I EXIST

Look at yourself man, but don't just look at sigh, you do that so much, you can't even write dilligently anymore. Maybe you wouldn't look up because you DID see it, finally.

Nice for the sake of being nice, all too known to me dude. But where does that get you? You help people out, you helped me be so much more of a person, but how, why? You know what you do, what you did, what you still do? Put people on dude. I mean here you are, willing to help, yeah great, super. But why can't you do that outside? Outside isn't the place to talk? To get to know, to SEE how people respond? How can anything ever replace things done in person man. I think that's what I asked from you and others have too, believe me, but you shut down. Are you afraid? Why even bother helping somebody if you can't be there to be friends with, outside the fucking walls and confinement of the computer.

Granted you know, I did push the limits, but you know what, you shoulda known I would. You taught me everything I know! I just added my own attitude about it. Can't help that I wanted to be friends outside the damn net can I. Can I? Who couldn't when someone helped out so much, wouldn't you ask for something so simple, so valuable if you thought it meant something?

How hypocritical it almost seems, I mean ugh... such encouragement to everybody, you DON'T expect them to wanna keep you aruond as a constant friend? I mean look at your words, you not only help someone, you push em on, tell them it'll all be ok, but is it really? You decide to hide in your shell and then say outside isn't the place to talk. Makes everybody wonder, just what DO you talk about outside then with everyone else? Once you help somebody you have to drop it and move on, fuffill yourself with some sort of good deed feeling? More like dumping them off after you feel you've done your job, you can't do that. :(

Yet you're always alone so you say, always confined, why don't you take advantage that there are people out there who wanna hang around, why close yourself off, cut everyone off atthe tips. Close but not yet, how the hell can you cut someone off after saying somehting like that?

Maybe you just didn't wanna be there, heh.

You started saying, that you always listen. Hey that's great I said, but why don't you respond willingly too? Isn't that what you told me to do in the first place?


I said I was sorry and hell I've left you alone. But damn man, when things like this happen, when I get a fucking DREAM where I get stuck next to you, hearing you mumble, I get sick of it, I want this to pass already.

But I think only you can do that for everybody's sake. Just march forward man. :(

Then people have the oddasity to open up the room. They seem e trying to rip the fucking wall out of place, and you? You just sit there, almost mindless. Poeple think I'm going krazy, I AM NOT GOING KRAZY. Why can't people just understand where I come from huh? Why does it always have to be so one sided, make me seem like some sort of jilted person.

UNDERSTAND...I did, but does anyone else? *sigh

The dream was the scariest dream I've ever had to think about.

And here comes skool, to remind me of it everyday.

Fuckin A