Now Playing: The Shins - The Past and Pending

I think the moment that best captures my life happened today: my friends, best and good alike, looking at me, waiting for a response.

Living with Ismael was definitely one of the best things I ever got to be a part of.

There is quite a few things I should really let myself be a part of.

I despise the idea of being held down to the point of suffocation. Been feeling some of that lately, and I sure fucking hate it.

gonna work through this funk. One way or another, I'm fighting back with everything I got. Give me some time.


Now Playing: Gustavo Santaolalla - The Wings

After a noticable degeneration of my spirit, I got a hold of my dad today and told him in the rawest way possible, that I am tired. I am so tired of being different.

I can only be hit with so many things until I can't carry all this shit on my back. Why CAN'T I be just like everyone else sometimes?

Still a complete mess.


Ennis's journey to embracing love reminds me of Herman Hesse's Siddhartha:

"I've had to experience so much stupidity, so many vices, so much error, so much nausea, disillusionment and sorrow, just in order to become a child again and begin anew. But it was right that it should be so; my eyes and heart had to acclaim it. I had to experience despair, I had to sink to the greatest mental depths, to thoughts of suicide, in order to experience grace, to hear Om again, to sleep deeply again, and to awaken refreshed again...I had to sin in order to live again."

Now Playing: Gustavo Santaolalla - The Wings

outburst. It took a while. I'm a complete mess.


goddamn. it just hits the pit of my stomach.

Now Playing: The Appleseed Cast - Sentence

after a night of thinking I think I can try and put to words why that movie struck a chord with me the way it did. It was the kind of love they had for each other that gripped so many of us. After a short time it didn't matter that it was between two guys - the message is much more universal than that.

Every guy on the planet has looked at some other guy and said to himself, "wow he's attractive/hot" then had that eight second pause where your brain sounds a red alert siren. WHat happens from there depends on the person, really. The same sex dynamic was done on purpose to make you pay attention to the greater picture.

The big purpose of this film was to show how love can come at you from anywhere. anywhere. You'll only know it when it hurts, too. Ennis and Jack, up in the mountains that first summer aren't just a couple of straight guys experimenting. They develop very deep feelings for each other. Ennis heaves over when Jack leaves. Slamming his fist against a brick wall and trying to suppress an upchuck, trying not to cry.

What should a person do when all these feelings just rush into them? Their love was intense, it was inescapable, and I would have been pissed as all hell if they had denied it completely. You can't just look the other way when it's right there. THAT is inhuman.

Brokeback Mountain broke our hearts. It broke my heart.

"Any of us can imagine a forbidden passion so sweeping that it carries us off at flood tide, never allowing us to question it. Whether the object of our affection would carry a purse, a lariat or both is beside the point."
-- Lawrence Toppman, CHARLOTTE OBSERVER


Now Playing: nothing, but pain and soreness

So instead of caving to my old affinity for it, I skipped out on the Dashboard concert here at UCR yesterday. That's got to be the first important concert I miss here! ehh. It was worth noting.

Instead, cuz and I accomplished one of the 100 things a student must do while at UCR: we did ab attack with Dr. Clute.

yeah. body hates me right now for the millenias of neglect. Can't properly do anything at the moment. All of this means we're going back. It was definitely a difficult but fun experience, and I couldn't stop laughing at all the groans coming out of everyne, including me! It was MADNESS THATS WHAT IT WAS

man. ok. need to die some more now. Fun times. I wonder what's left to do on the 100 things @ UCR list.. maybe go sleep under the trees somewhere?

and onto the most important thing to happen in January:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY REBEL!!! I love you so much baby. You're krazy, baby. You make me happy, angry, confused, and thankful, especially thankful. You're like a little jar with components of all our family mixd into one terrible, but awesome blend. Yes.. you heard me. But seriously - I love you. Here's you and mom being cute, and in color. Cuz I ache too much to make it black and white. Ok, time to shower. byeeee

wait. you're 11 now.

holy shit.


Now Playing: I'd bring it to where you areee

Note: Meditate, when you have the chance.


Now Playing: +/- - The Declaration of Independence

ahhhh. Here we are again.

I ended the year on great terms. Had a great quarter [with a 3.9 GPA]. Had a great time being me in one of the greatest places for me to be. Got closer to my cuz, which is awesome. Lydia, too. Had a ball with my friends [oh, with no partying ONCE!.. a good thing heheh?]. Going to different depths and different places with those you care about is fulfilling. I love it, man. The most awesome thing of all, is I ended the year with the realization that nothing really can stop me.. from doing anything.. except for those pesky legal matters. *hits forehead*

2006 looks like it's going to give me the freedom to do what I do best - I've been on a roll in so many ways, that year after year things get better and better.. God, don't make me stop now. I can't stop now, I WON'T!

...I wish I had my cd player with me though! >_< blarr!!