SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: denial, rejection, fear, uncertainty..
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: sadness, above all
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: i'm here for u yo
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: dont think u cant approach me at skool
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: and YO, i KNOW you're there, i KNOW YOU'RE THERE
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: and i know who u are
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: and i know who u talk to
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: and i SEE YOU
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: ur not invisible...i know you dont want to be
theeseXayone: :-[
theeseXayone: give me a minute to restart my comp...
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: hahaha
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: no prob

Okay so I was a fool... man the way I did things was SO like me back then, I wish the person you had to ... well experience, was the me NOW, not the one between stages. Too bad you were the one to make me change as well.... I feel terrible and I'm not even half done. Reading...

theeseXayone: i dont know dude, i seriously do hate bugging you...if i try to tlak to you in person it just makes me feel like im a disruptance
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: bah
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: never never
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: as long as its important..
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: i wont dismiss you
theeseXayone: but im not important 8-)
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: but for you, i think shallow things are all good too
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: just to build a base u know
theeseXayone: wha? explain, im lost again
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: starts w/ sticks
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: then end w/ bricks

WHY didn't I listen? *&^#@@&^% It's like, I was so fucking amazed by how KOOL and nice and... accepting... you were, shit, to really pay true attention to the words you said. I heard them but never... took em in. Call me humbled.. this makes me appreciate you more, as you may have just dropped me like a real... well ASS, but you put up with so much... I guess I may have needed a good yelling at, ya know... or everything coud be bricks right about now. sonofagun ENOUGH FOR TONITE. ok =]

Enough analysis for one night, jeez that wasn't fun. But by the time I read the 5th saved one, I realized how fucking stupid I used to be. Always doing all I could to impress those you thought were worth impressing. Fuck that..

I was talking to Nic and Tim Chin earlier before I dozed off.. have you ever fallen asleep in the rain? IN the rain. Yes... I did that in order to prep myself for this journey, a journey I must go on alone... bah who'm I kidding. Sleeping on the sidewalk while it poured was fun! I felt the drops hit my chest and with each hit I felt myself going back.. back... ahhhh it ruled.

Gonna go read some more =]. haha I changed my mind, so what? I was also thinking about the talk Michelle and I had after we went out to the mall, when we were at Carls Jr. It freaks the piss out of me when I think about ... well I even mentioned it earlier, how sooo many people in this world are ALL words, and no action. I was one of those shining examples too... shiet. But in coming out of that phase in my quote unquote development, I realized I'm still terrible at action, but SOMETHING pushes me into acting out the words I spit out. One day I'll get good at it... I'm much better at it that I was back in May, thats fo sheez. Read time! oi..

theeseXayone: sort of, just by knowing maybe you put in too much value into people when they dont to you
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: no reciprocity
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: not getting it back?
theeseXayone: it isnt getting it back
theeseXayone: its not seeing it at all
theeseXayone: i dont expect it...if i know i wont get anything
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: you dont expect it?
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: no wonder your jaded

Ahh... late February.

SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: yo luis
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: hows break?
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: you seem depressed
theeseXayone: hey tim
theeseXayone: break is bleh.
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: heh
theeseXayone: and yeah...same ol same ol here
theeseXayone: what about you?
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: same here
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: stay at home
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: do nothing but play games and work
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: and some music

Shit.. coming back is probably more damaging than helpful, BUT.. that's not true, this has a solution in here somewherez.. I promised myself that I would go back and take in EVERYthing back, just to see what happened, specifically. It's really REALLY uneasing to read through my old saved conversations... heh thankx AIM + =/. This is going to be harder than I thought. Much.. I also promised myself that by doing this, I could finally make more sense out of everything, and perhaps finally do something about what I want, instead of spitting out mother fucking words. I hate people who are just words. I am just words. FUCK WORDS, give me action. Even if it scares the shit out of me. Give it to me.

Stage 1 is hurting me already... reading thru some old convos already.. I realied, why couldn't some ppl be more like Zodin?

Thank God I'll be seeing my friends all this week. Thank God I saw Michelle yesterday. Hmm.. what else am I thankful for this year? Stage 1 begins.. reflecting back.

First and foremost I am thankful for having a family around me, to support and encourage me to do well in life. Even my lil brother =P. I am tankful that I have a small piece in this tremedous city that I can.. call home.

I'm thankful that somehow, someway I have found a way out, or around, all the mounds of bullshit I have had to put up with up to this point in my life. All the experiences I have been thrown at have collectively made me the piece of mush I am as I type this out =]. I am thankful for school, as it's the only way I could have ever had so much happen to me.

I am thankful for music.. my outlet to the stars, into deep thoughts, and finding answers to every little question I may conjure. THX TO LINKIN PARK! hahaha

I'm thankful for last year, all of it. I learned so much, I felt so much, I would never take a second of it back (heh ask me this later). I'm thankful, very thankful, for the friendship I ran myself into with Tim, even if it hasn't been the friendship I asked for when I .. prayed that one day. Thankful for all the good advice, the laughs, the tears you knocked out of me.. for being changed into such a different, better, person... very very thankful.

I'm also thankful that because of what I learned, through Tim or school or whatever, that I have cultivated such... unforgetabble friendships with my friends. =] I don't think I'd be grateful for ANYthing if I didn't have my friends around me.. to support... to kick in the ass... to knock some sense into. I'm thankful that I finally found somebody I could call a best friend... even if his dumbass is in Torrance for the week. xD I'm thankful for each and every one of you, whether near or far.. it's because of everything and everyone that I feel I can be okay... one day.

Shit.. my food might get cold. PeAcE

xD.. I think I'd like a 'more than friendz' relationship again.. so yeah that thought still lingers. I just kept it on the downlow after I said it. Haha Michelle!

Nic was busy =[.. so I passed my afternoone with Michelle, x-mas shopping w0o0o0o... quite kool. very kool =] too bad you had to go baby-sitting mang.. cuz I coulda spent forever just hanging out with ya xD. We did alot considering the time we took too.. eh, we're gonna go out again. Soon =]. My sis is *still* watching Mulan >_>... and she said you were cute. Smart girl I tell ya.. and really I had such a good time that I couldn't say enough of it.. BUT I haveta go take carez of her, as she's alone in the other room, so I can just say all the stuff we did was great and um.. I'm really glad we got to. Headfonez back on..

a fool's devotion
swallowed up in empty space
the tears of regret
frozen to the side of his face

More later. Gee I haven't been awake this late in ages..

Wish you'd come and just.. talk and understand. sorta

Sorry.. didn't mean to intrude on your personal stuff. I've had a krazy day.

Runnin' head on.. to things that knocked me down.. over again.. you picked me off the ground.. when I wasn't strong enough to fight.. and now, it isn't being wrapped in pain.. but revisiting in order to leave it all and just.. start anew.. if you'll let me.

shhh. Yeah so, I made this blog here, to find some sort of release, another escape for myself, another method of 'running'... heh. Yes SIR my angst is my own, I never once expected anyone to care, I did wish someone did but what ya gonna do. Shit I got all uneasy too... you know when I want to I can stand on this platform of anger and self-depreciation, and it's not that I 'want' to - I just end up there because I get really get misled. Meh. God when I get blunt i scare myself, and nah, I knew I'd get some sort of... thing out of it. Dunno...

Um, I know I know stop drillin STOP DRILLING I KNOW YOU DON'T CARE, i KNOW THAT - BUT I'M STILL THERE. So talk to me, instead of confusing the sheezus out of me. Shit.. honestly I could care less too, but you know what?! I don't drop things easily, WHY you ask... because there's something going on. You sent me stuff, you've seen me, you've been doing SOMETHING... and so have I, so why not just go hang the fuck out one day during 6th and DROP all of it. You're as shitty to yourself as I am to me - can't we start there?

I'm a lil sad now.. =[ ugh. Today around 6th period time wasn't koo. Stupid good music. You know the song.. smitten~ cd =]

Now you're gone.. I wonder why.. you left me here.. I think about it on and on and on and on and on again.. - Yeah.. time to be blunt (a blunt blog? those exist?). You've been mesing with me head. I keep thinking about what happened... shit and it's sucking cuz that's all I CAN do.. TIM I'M BLOGGING LOOK! :-[

I know you're never coming back.. But I hope that you can hear me.. I'm waiting.. to hear from you.. Until I do - Yea so dude now that I'm thinking about it, I hope you read this! I said before that I'll be waiting for you to talk to me.. and whatever, it really sucks that there's bits and pieces coming at me but still NO fucking.. anything. I mean shit.. this leaves me all upset and disjointed.

You're gone away.. I'm left alone.. A part of me is gone.. And I'm not moving on, So wait for me..I know the day will come - Yeah.. I remember how it feels to just GO and show someone that you think the damn world of em, because of this or that.. I never ever spilled myself to anybody in the way I did to you.. it was krazy, and so kool.. it's weird cuz, noones ever gonna know how I feel... so I'll just sit here, typing.. thinking.. blah =/

I'll meet you there.. No matter where life takes me to.. I'll meet you there.. And even if I need you here.. I'll meet you there - Hey though.. I've done alot for myself and within myself to get to where I am, I'm not so... so whatever you thought I was.. SUCKS cuz It's not like you're gonna come up to me and ask to talk, so I can't really prove jack shit.. but I'll meet you there... hopefully.

I wish I could have told you.. The things I kept inside.. But now I guess it's just too late. =[.. So many things remind me of you.. I hope that you can hear me, I miss you.. This is goodbye.. - I wish I could have told you.. how much crap I've had run through my mind, sometimes unwillingly, about this... I coulda handled myself better, but either ay I've gone through it all, I've been mad as hell, sad, REALLY skeptical.. and man you can tell, I can't run away from this.. cuz it follows me around. Look at where I sit in 2nd! Look at how many friends we have in common, all the THINGS we have in common, it's pissing me off that I can't do a damn thing!... whatever... heh this song rules neh?

And where I go you'll be there with me.. Forever you'll be right here with me.. =] - Eh... I told you a few weeks ago.. it's all up to you man, you. You taught me a lot of valuable things dude, alot.. and because of those Ive learned to become a much better person, for everyone, including myself.. yeah you know, you changed my life, changed it FOREVER, even if I got my ass kicked SO much. I can't forget any of it even if it pains to think about it.. yea =]

Uhm.. so this is what came into my head late yesterday, as I was running around CSUN. Running, running, you read about my day.. but then I saw you a few times and got REALLY irked, and started to swerve, and trip heh.. to escape.. but I can't. Personally, I can't, and if that bothers you - then FUCKIN A what do you want me to do. You can't tell me it doesn't bug the SHIT out of you when we're both around and this silence is there, but it's a deadly one, it's starting to dig into my flesh.. but what do I do? Pretend all the good stuff and the bad didn't happen? This is a thing that will KILL me on the inside if I let it slip by.. and that scares me alot. I've done really well, growing up, on my own. I'm at a very different place, but.. You were so fucking awesome! So nice so funny.. I didn't really even ASK for your help all those months ago... I just asked for a friend.

I still am.

"If you have everything under control, you can't experience anything new."

I juss need to send apps and then THEY'RE GONE FOREVER!!!!! Now I can finally blog.. yay

I wanna write so many poems, and in the perfect way, but I keep ripping up my paper and starting over. Like Peter sayz, I'm a lazy perfectionist, so this is taking me forever :D. I decided to go for my weekend run a little early yesterday, going to CSUN an hour or so earlier than usual. Heh.. krazy shit right

Running through the pathways, the streets, the tips and corners of the campus.. avoiding here, there, everywhere, it was around 7 or so when I stopped for a while. Started to think (Oh no.. Luis is thinking again).

Started thinking about why I started running, in a routine type of thing since early summer. What came over me to start running from Winnetka to Northridge on an everyday basis back then, and why do I ... still run now.. hmm. It's not like I need to physically.. I'm fit as it is, though now my legs look all ripped n shit =P. Nah.. I started to run because the physical demands of it all... allowed me to run away.

There was so much excess baggage in my heart, in my mind, that I had to... run away... run away from you, and run away from this place.. maybe by running, by letting go and running, never turning back, maybe... maybe I could shed some of the excess off of me. Things will never fully leave me, I wouldn't let them, but the excess, the strains, those were hurting too bad.. I had to run away.

So I still run, every other day. Never turn back, never look back, never stop running. Never stop running, but never let go completely, either. With the adrenaline and the sweat dripping from my body, so do the pains and aches that I've carried for oh so long. Never stop running. Funny though, @ CSUN, I run around in circles.. just like my mind keeps going in circles. I need me a new spot or something.. I need to keep running. Perhaps I need a new spot cuz I'm bored, or so I won't bump into you in one of my circle runs... but now thinking some more, I don't wanna find a new spot. Or maybe I just don't wanna stop running. Gonna go run soon...

I hate my philosophical days. DAMNIT! I told you to stop me from doing that man.. blah =]

Ahh cmon.. maybe it's cuz Peter n Enza totally made my day today.. but I'm in an easy going mood and den when I hear dat other ppl are going through heavy shit.. there's not much to do but say... well I'll say it here. I'm there for ya.. and always will be.. for whatever reason.. maybe it IS bcuz I had a good day that I pull out one of my own tricks for once:

hope is NOT for the weak minded. for only the strong have hope. the weak minded.. give up.

I don't really care if I'm really pissy or whatever tommorow... rite now I feel good so I'm gonna blog this to show myself how utterly unstable I am. Here's to another good day! Oh lord... plz gimme another good day. I've been good!... sorta...

ooo0o.. GUESS WHO HAS A BLOG NOW MOMMA?? babe ;-)

mm..

OoPeek A Boo11: u should blog
OoPeek A Boo11: or update
OoPeek A Boo11: something
OoPeek A Boo11: hehe

so I'm sitting here blogging cuz Michelle is this mega goddamn persuasive person I can't EVER say no to.. and I met her just this year! haha.. today was really relaxing bcuz I didn't get TREATED LIKE SHIT by those I <3.. man I swear everyday is either real good or real lousy.. I wonder what it takes to get some stability, where'd my middle ground go again? Like take me n Pete for example. Either we spend all day together and have a fuckin blast, or we hardly talk and he turns into a dumbass. haha jk Pete!!! Man.. nooo middle ground, who'm I gonna get to come bowling one of these dayz if he's alwayz at church or sleeping his ass off? O0oo0 and don't get me started on the painting shit.. I can't believe Miller compliments YOUR dang art when *I* helped you on it, and she's tellin ME to get tips from YOU Pete? shiet.. but I heart you anyway baka. Jerk >:O

Or Take Michelle, I'll either see her for 2+ hours straight or I'll only see her ONCE for like 3 seconds when we say hi.. it's not kool dude! Oo remember I wanna response eventually =]. And some damn cake, FUCK I'm hungry.. I'm starting to sound like Pinki. Anyway, the whole dichotomous day shit, this kind of shit happens with EVERYONE except like, Jenny.. and Matt, but they don't count cuz I go to lunch with them :-D. Today, erm tonight, I'm puttin my damn foot down.. if I wanna make my life a little more stable and... EVEN, I'm gonna have to prioritize myself. Dis also means.. with stuff I wanna deal with on the side, aside from my skool life.. I'mma have to jump back into that sooner, rather than later. wo0o0o0o... man this blog turned out rather long, the things you do to me you theif!!! late. Today was koo..

WAIT I forgot something.. =]

Yea so um.. (forgot what he was gonna say) OH. k. yeah. no never mind, I'm gonna not write anything else cuz.. Michelle's just trying to prove that she can make me blog whenever she wants. Don't think sooo.. xD

OoPeek A Boo11: i'm soo pouting
OoPeek A Boo11: :-(
Thee seXay onE: pouting?
Thee seXay onE: *doesnt look*
OoPeek A Boo11: *puppy eyes*
OoPeek A Boo11: luis...
Thee seXay onE: ._.
Thee seXay onE: im so ashamed.
Thee seXay onE: i mean really....
Thee seXay onE: THIS ISNT FAIR
OoPeek A Boo11: :-)

OKAY so haha.. I do have something on my mind. Uh... where to begin? I think I have found some true direction in my life. I mean I stopped earlier to think for a while, before I changed around my AIM prof.. I reallyreallyreally think that my friendz are so amazing. =] Like.. I was sayin to someone, that it's so creepy to me that it makes me tremble.. out of ALL my friends I have, I think I know like 6 for more than 2 or so years.. at first that's real discouraging, but then I stop myself, and realize that u know.. yes time plays a huge ass role in knowing ppl, but really, its how hard you try with everyone. Here I only know Peter and Matt (my 2 best friends) for a little over a year.. and they're my best friends! Shit.. there's the rare few like Molly that I've known for a whoppin 6 - 7 yrs.. and thank God I know her from the inside out. There's ppl like Michelle who came into my life out of nowhere... and I already wanna be like REAL close friendz. It's this.. hmm what's the word, fascination, w/ her and w/ others ya know? This has happened before, too. heh

So anyway, when I went out w/ Angela on tuesday... now HER I've known for 7 years.. and just this week got to talk to her on a deep personal level, 'get to know' her.. cuz she wanted to. I thikn that inside everyone of you and in me, there's this level of awe because.. there is SO fucking much to just ONE person. You never know when and how, and with who, but.. hopefully.. you'll get to know someone as well as I feel I've gotten to know some of my friendz. Of course, there's the huge difference... that I'm very well, open about my love for them all.. and sadly, for I think all if not most of you.. I'm not quite to you, what you are to me. But hey.. dat's life. Whatever... I think I'm finally done for tonight. I'm not gonna stay happy about that little issue but...whatever time to drown for a while. xD LATE~!

SimilarMinds.com Compatibility Test

Your match with Molly Farooqui you are 56% similar you are 81% complementary

How Compatible are You and Your
Friends?

Considering Molly n I go waaaaay back and we're real close.. friends 4 lyfe.. this test intrigues me. You don't need no fuckin extreme high or low numbers to know who ur friends are. Molly~@ <3 you fucking bum. =]

whoa tho.. hmm

SimilarMinds.com Compatibility Test

Your match with Tim Hsu you are 67% similar you are 71% complementary

How Compatible are You and Your
Friends?

wow.. You know where to find me. Hey, whenever you wanna go for it.. I sit a few seats away in the morning.. yeah. Thankx =]

So.. comparing this to Jen's.. we're more alike.. yet.. our similarities keep us from really complimenting one another in too many ways.. funny no? I can't believe this was in my inbox too... fuck college apps when this stuff comes along! hahaha. Geez, Jen and Molly are less similar.. whoda thought?

One thought. Rebirth, rebirth... seems impossible... seems very hard, painful, tiring... but it's doable. Trust me. anywho.. app time. Talk to me yo..

o holy crap more results haha..

SimilarMinds.com Compatibility Test

Your match with Justine Curtis you are 88% similar you are 60% complementary

How Compatible are You and Your
Friends?

SimilarMinds.com Compatibility Test

Your match with Chalamar Sarfati you are 54% similar you are 86% complementary

How Compatible are You and Your
Friends?

SimilarMinds.com Compatibility Test

Your match with Jen Claudio you are 58% similar you are 84% complementary

How Compatible are You and Your
Friends?

How Compatible are You with me?

ok wait up...

this is real strange. Jen's one of the closest friendz I got.. okay. So we're only 58% similar. What does that mean? That we can relate to one another only 60% or so of the time?

84% complementary... now Nic would say that's how we match up as a couple... but I did some research and, the 84% complementary... hmm.. is that how much we can... help each other out, complete each other, COMPLEMENT~! one another?

It left me thinking cuz.. well gee... I don't know. Apparently we're not that alike, but we mesh so well together, so the results make sense. It's like I told Jen a few months ago, ppl would come up to me and say whoa.. since when are you and JEN friendz?

Eh. People still refuse to read anything but the very top blog entries, you notice that?

Ehhhhh today was weird @_@.. twin day! Matt and I decided to do some sort of evil gangster-Miami Vice hting and it worked to a tee... hahaha it was kool. Peter and 4 other homies wore the exact same thing too, and Molly n Parisa and jeez... so many people it was FRIGHTENING, like Roel and Dan... o_O

I'm tired as hell and kinda still... at some sort of stanstill from the stuff that happened to me this wk.. looks like all my friendz are looking for love.. and I kinda am too.. we're all growing up =/ ugh

I went walking just a few minutes ago, I passed by Michelles house but NOOOOOO she coulsn't hear me scream or sing... but some azn dude did..and kept staring xD. Anyway.. I don't know why I've blogged so much in two days. It's all good stuff but... now noone's gonna read anything but this top entry... eh.

Boba and food w/ Enza was fun too. Jeez.. what a solid ass week. m0m!

SHIET.... hahahaha... I LOVE USING THE FONE!!!!!!!!

Yeah there I said it.. haha.. oh my I had forgotten who koo it was xD

No seriously.. so I talked to JeN for about 30 minutes, and I told her hey.. fones suck, and she said, pretend I'm there nex to u...but u can't see me =P and it worked!!!

I told her lotz of good stuff.. I told her she n Peewee are the only ppl I've had at my house.. and I know wut I'm getting for x-mas xD xD hahaha. Jesus.. I love the fone.. or maybe I just love talkin to my friends..outsaide that goddamn prison we call CHS =]. Anywayz, yeah, today and yesterday... pretty good days to round out week 11. oi... 29 weeks left.

Mm.

Walking in the dark... outside.. looking above to the Heavens...jeeeebus yesterday was awesome. Eh, you know lately I've been considering trying to .. er, re-initiate things in my life. More specifically within my social bounds. Like I really wanna just get bakc into the swing of things with some people, but for one reason or another.. I stop myself.

Cuz I started things in the past.. and it didn't turn out so great. BUT, then I realize... I had a lot more to deal with back then.. and i couldn't handle anything, and that helped to the descturction of my hopes last year.

So I don't know.. after crashing and burning.. what's there to do? I mean I've held my own all my life, except it was in all the wrong ways.. and now I feel cleansed of a lot of my past mistakes. Can that lead to me smacking you on the shoulder and saying 'hey.. lets talk'?

Maybe if I had a better idea of what it is I'm dealing with..because after all these months, and concluding with last night.. I know that whatever has happened has affected everything I am and experience in the present.. but does the past mean I won't try things over again?

I dunno. Maybe the slightest notion that I wanna mend more things in my life will be seen as me being aggressive again. Whatever.. it's Not Enough.

hmm ... i'm not one to criticize.

poetry is a means to express oneself and all i notice about your poem, style-wise, is that it seems like you're placing your jumbled thoughts and feelings in words, and just speaking straight from the heart and not really paying attention to your speech or your rhythm. i like what you said though. makes sense. i think everyone has that person that you just WISH you can reach something with, but never do ... that's my john, remember? :)

k, here it is.

*sigh*

Come back.

I keep looking over.. kinda making quick glances.
I know you notice it too!
But it isnt like we talk much or anything.
Something tells me that's as far as things go here
But things can't go backwards anymore either. A standstill..

Afterall there's been so much in such a short time
It isnt like I didn't ask for this in the way I am
But it's still killing me inside.. even when you're across the room
I get mad and angry, and really sad, what the fuck is going on anymore?

Times like these that I realize you still affect me, always
Like there's something missing, always
I've been through this, I have, but with you it sticks, always
Causes deep surges of thoughts within me, wondering why, always

I've lost control of how I feel
I've lost control of what I thought I could handle

Come back.. why are things blown out of proportion
Come back.. I feel isolated but why why why isn't this over?

Seems like I try finding pieces of you
In other people.. other places, other lives
But it isn't the same
It doesn't feel the same
But something makes us both stay away

It bugs me, I wanna go back
Because now I understand you..
Sadly, you're just like me
And that's when I realized, that's why you ran

Even though I let go too
It seemed like I forgot, but noone ever forgets
Now I'm here regretting everything I did

Now I'm here, back? putting myself at risk
Now I'm here, just because, everyday

It seems like I never left at all.. and you did.

Come back.

Heh.... interpret at will... you over analyzers >:O :-).. is two poems in a row asking too much?

<3 nic =]

anyway... this is my plan.. I will put myself out there, once again... becuase honestly... it's all worth it xD. But whatever, call me pushy, I'm just ... kool.

"Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves."

Thank you Ariel.. and you... hmm... take a look into the quote. I used to say it was hypocracy... but this makes sense as well. Sometimes.

three day weekends rock my world!!!!!

best quote: "... the best way to get someone to want something is to tell them they can't want it." - Thisbe Nissen The Good People of New York

it's true though right? i mean ... the second you think you can't have something, you just want it even more. it's the same ideology of the forbidden fruit. you always want what you just can't have.

oh check this blog out. it's a really good read, if you're not interested in the concept of the blog itself.
here's an excerpt:

"I first became homeless in the Winter of 1982. I was 21 years old then, yet had no idea how to take care of myself in this world. The past 20 years have been a struggle, trying to get a grip on what most everyone else considers to be normal life. I've never been able to fit into "normal." And I've never been able to fit into our society, which I doubt is anywhere near normal, either. I have discovered recently some of the causes of my problems and am working to overcome them as best as I can.

Here, I will attempt to relate to you the realities of homelessness. But there is certainly more to a homeless person than being homeless, and this may be the best thing this blog could accomplish - a greater awareness about the whole-ness of homeless people. Not every post will be about homelessness, but they will all be about a homeless person, me. For some people it will be their first experience with the "me" identity within a homeless person. Welcome to My world, a subsidiary of Our world."

you should really check it out.

Still waiting.

but in the meantime.. these past few days have been kinda kool.. ditched skool after 2nd to go to Mat's house and just hung out all day... his dad took me home, and I'm a firm believer that he now likes me more than he does his own son. yay!

I saw 'Real Women have Curves' last nite w/ my friends and damn.. what a fuckin good movie. I guess because culturally it spoke a lot to me. Saw Molly afterwards which r0x0red, I knew she'd go too =]. Then Meg and I ate at Carls Jr. near my place, and now it's Sunday.. I'm gonna finish my apps I guess.. CSU ones though, and I haven't seen nor hung out with several people than I'm used to, so that made me check some blogs and stuff... I saw Mitchell's and I like this one survey thingy. Do people honestly ask themselves these questions and answer them, or are you the type of reader to ignore the author's requests? hmm? Here we go.. some of these I don't think I know for ANYBODY =/

[01] when did we meet?
[02] how did we meet?
[03] have we ever met in person?
[04] have we ever talked on the phone?
[05] have you ever seen me cry?
[06] have you ever seen me dance?
[07] describe me using three words or less.
[08] if you could spend a day with me, what would we do?
[09] have we ever gotten in a fight?
[10] have you ever dreamt of me? If so, tell me about it.
[11] if you could give me a present, what would it be?
[12] would you hug me?
[13] would you kiss me?
[14] what do you REALLY think of me?
[15] do you trust me?
[16] do you know something about me that no one else knows?
[17] do you even know how old i am?
[18] anything you wanted to tell me but never got a chance to?

There's a comments link at the bottom of erry entry, ya know. late

Totally into the good moments of erryday. Nowadays either days are 'eh', or 'bleh', and not the usual 'aaaahhhhhdeathdeath' that I've been so used to. Weird it's ever since my painting project with Pete and Jen that I've... let go and things kinda flow.

I got my pictures back! Who the fuck told Beth to steal my camera? o_O >/ I think I may get back into this.. I was such a good photographer-guy who takes pictures-dude. Yeah. Today was so creepy in a ways.. why wouldn't I shut up in Giffords? Who'm I kidding about knowing goddamn parables? I fool myself into so many things. I really wanna take more pictures more often, maybe ppl will drop my image as 'depressed manic depressive' boy and PHEAR ME AS FOTO BOI! maybe.

I wrote Michelle something kinda... :-[ you know... blah! Nevermind. Can't think straight at all Mitchell! xD

Speaking of pics, did everyone get to see the best fucking pic in the world? PINKI!!! You look like you just swallowed a donut in that pic... ahhh 8th grade... hahahahahaha.... whoa whoa okay. Looking at my yearbooks from back then, it was a big hit of reality. I mean I 'know' us Jr. High people were small in group, but seeing as how sooo few of them I still see everyday, and came to CHS, that's creepy.. it just adds to my rush to find some permanence with people I guess.

Then again.. I have to learn not to rush things. I can't rush, you can't rush, but come on.. just... get with it ya know? I don't make sense, so I'll just end this, and say thankx to Roel for letting me and Peter steal his jacket, and thank you for actually posting that stuff up. I wrote it for the both of us.. ain't that funny?

PetersAimName: yo thx for outline man
PetersAimName: never got chance to thank ya
theeseXayone: :-)

See... Peter's one of the good guyz xD

theeseXayone: dude freakin ppl
theeseXayone: 'oh hey i wrote 20 pages'
theeseXayone: luis: 'oh hey die'
PetersAimName: haha
PetersAimName: if i was a teacher
PetersAimName: i'd fail em for writing 20 pages
PetersAimName: more shit to read

Midterm is over. My hand hurts alot... hahaha but HEY! I feel slightly more accmplished, if only I felt that way about my apps... errr...Oh yo, 6th period is tha place to be, Paden's.. Enza n the GanG watch kickass indian movies and Michelle was there today! Ahhh Sharuk Khan will always be Devdas to me xD... and Metco made me go krazy on my deep rooted angst on treatment from asians.. but alas.. I didn't actually say it to asians but to my racially separate group, so who knows? I hate repeating myself about certain stuff so.. might as well come to me to see what's up. Bleh and Ashley... had to mention THAT situation.. I wonder what Molly thought of my reaction?



lol thankz Jon.. krazy stuff.

look back on what you've said, and the life you've led
is it what you dreamed when you were young like me
now its time you took something back
just for the sake of your mind
when i look in your eyes, i can see
life has buried you alive
dreaming,wishing, waiting, drifting from me

hehehehehe... I thought Enza and I only listened to Yellowcard!

Uhhhh... I went full on fotograph mode today. Where the fuck were most of you? =] It was great, kind of strange too.. Bri is so charming xD. Something came over me and I just... you know... took pictures of everybody. Like a step closer to coming to terms with people is to take a snapshot! hahaha, I wonder why Esther didn't wanna.. oO

Anyway outline study time, everybody will do well, my outline didn't get as witty as could be.... I hope that you hit me back sometime. Yes I keep preaching about patience and whatever but... it's right there@! haha late

Sucks how core is all twizted this year eh? I don't get to chill w/ so many ppl anymore... eh. Core outline day, as 092340947037 people are depending on my wicked humor to help them through our first midterm. Sorry ppl but I offered it to Peter An first! :D and it's times like this, and like hc, that make me wanna go hang w/ everyone as much as I can.. time for another anime party =P

Uh, someone left me a note in my locker today and it kinda pissed me off... #1 cuz I don't know who it's from, and #2 it was kind of shitty. I haven't told anyone yet and AND I don't wanna talk about it.

Basically... they asked me why I'm so 'into azn's', why I keep myself out there for them when according to them, I know they'll never accept me as an equal. That they's never wanna get into anything more than some superficial relationship.

Okay so I have alot to say as a response that I'll get into eventually, but this person has NO fucking idea what's been going on with me for so long. Fuckin.. leave my friendz alone, and if I wanna put effort and care and all that into my goddamn friends, azn or not, I'M GONNA DO IT. This pissed me off beyond belief... =/ Time for an outline..

BusY ass week!!!!!!! With events come reflections, of course:

Mon - Wed : Peter comes over (!!!!!!), eventually Jen does too (~!!!!!!!). First time I actually invite ppl over, and first time they come! Momentous for me I guess. We gotz rings to unite the 3, all was well, except painting is so goddamn boring... sorry we had to just that all week bro :D

Thurs : Mood Sccchhhhwwwing! I felt like crap, why? Because I did it again, I thought too much about my so called depthful friendships, and saw that I'm rather not, anywhere near where I wanna be w/ ppl. This may include you. I was pissed as hell... but got a good ass talk from Nicole.

Fri : All week, waiitng for a response to something important. Didn't get it, but what I got was, talking to Meg for uh... 6 hours? at the quad, instead of going to the game. ahhh.... how sweet it is xD. I love how conversations can last for eternity and still seem too short. Ahh, gotta go through this stuff faster!

Sat: Homecoming!!!!! I found nice clothing for once... so me and my deito (Meg) get there, I meet up w/ Peter and his date (nice girl =]), see Matt n Jenny (cuuuute =P) and we all take pics in couplets. Uhhh.... best dance I've ever been too. Aside from the fact that Matt decided to wear the goddamn exact same look as me, it was awesome. Most everyone I know was there, dancing away, flowing away, letting go... it was so awesome. Molly can fuckin bust a groove yo! hahaha I got to meet some of my friend's gf's, like Peter An and Zach, and we all kinda danced together. Didn't dance more then once w/out Meg tho, I'm tooo smitten. Didn't get to dance w/ Michelle, just next to her... so yeah xP. Krazy stuff, we took those funky pictures, there was flashes going around all nite, everybody looked HOT =] (did u see Shannon? omg) and only thing that pissed me off was that Min Jung did not win for HC Queen... fuckin' residential hate, why no love? She was the best choice!

I swear I saw so much last nite, it was amazing. I left in awe really. Good feeling inside. Perhaps my bitter feelings died out if only for a lil bit ya know? heh

That's when I had a huge realization and I wrote about THAT shit in my journal. anywayz..

Today and last nite, we played games, I 0wned everyone at games, ate bad pancakes, slept 3 hours, sang to some J-POP~! and just chilled. Saw Deety as well, as charming and beautiful as ever. Went to Tapioca Express, which btw, has been the boba place I've pimped out for a while now.. go ppl go, Caramel Snowbubble can only be found there! :-D

I'm very tired, but very eased. Sort of. I'm just glad there was this week and weekend, because it really did help out in so many ways. If only there was homecoming every week... if only, if only. Lame blog entry I know, see ya around.


Hold on a sec... DAMNIT MATTHEW!!!!! IF WE HAD STAYED 10 MORE MINUTES, I WOULD HAVE GOTTEN MY DANCE!!!!!!!!! *kills every white man around* >:O Micheeeeeeeeelllllllleeeee.... :*[ next time.

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=] Funny no?

Fo sheez... so much has happened in such a short amount of time... oh hey homecoming is today...rite? xD I had a terrible last two days, til last nite.. I have some things to do, aside from get ready. so so SO, I leave you, and myself, wit an important msg, brought to YOU by your friend..

"do you realize how many fucking good relationships you're probably gonna fuck up because of your selfishness? and stop comparing, fucking stop comparing. everyone's different, every relationship's different, and if you don't get that now, then you're never gonna get it. people love you, REALIZE IT."

which lead me to remember this -

"Just because someone doesnt love you the way you want, doesn't mean they don't love you with everything they have."

dont.. ever.. FORGET IT! see ya @ hc.

How Compatible are You with me? FriEnD or FoE