Metco was fun today. MOLLY WAS THERE~! lol... I was kinda upset for a little bit before the class... am dealing with it as we speak. I don't like to make a big deal out of what really shouldn't be. Yeah you heard me and FUCK YOU if you wanna label me a hypocrite for saying so.

Anyway.. rebuilding the community of sorts was good, there has to be a sense of focus in that classroom. We'll get there, middle ground will abound! Hopefully we can extend the class to next senester. We had fun doing frames, and forced choice, I digress from discussing what happened in general but there's this one thing from the forced choice excersize that I have to jot down. The question was, What are you most like... a hammer, or a nail?

Brain tease... like so many people in my life. Answers from people who weren't there were awesome, as of now it's Nic Matt and Zodin who have answered the question for me. My answer was kind of :-/... uh iffy? Comes w/ the instability of my life meguesses. I am a hammer...

...because of two main perspectives I took about it. Kinda depressing how I keep falling back into my past when I precisely DON'T want to. eh

The first view I had was how.... people will pick me up and use me as a prop to get something done... and then put me away when theyre done using me. Total alienation from people I guess, but this seems to be more like me from months ago, because I try not to stand for people's bullshit anymore. I said TRY hahaha... eh

The second thing I said in the class was what got Ms. Atkin into that mode of being where she gets all antsy ~_~... it was how... you know how when youre hitting a nail into the wall, it takes several hits from the hammer? I took that as, if i have something to do or say, I have to drive my point through in several times in order to finally get through to people. Which is really true, and then Ms atkin and hill said they felt the same way about me... because of what i did last year. Yeah... and I still do it everyday of my life... this 'search' for getting myself through to people, trying different ways, seeing what sticks, what's bad... and talking to Zodin today you can interpret me and that whole view as a sort of attention impulse, that I wanna be heard / known. Everyone does it! WE WOULDNT HAVE BLOGS OTHERWISE in my opinion, well most of us. We all like to rack up the hits... always have.

But looking beyond that, I think it's my inner persistency to drive my point through that makes me a hammer. I'm intimidating... sleek in form... and when I wanna accomplish something, I will dive in head first, and if I don't drive the nail in good the first time, I will hit it again and AGAIN and harder and HARDER until I get to where I want. This might be a bad thing... but it's also very good.

That reminds me... just like a hammer... I need someone to hold me, in order for me to function. Figurately, I guess. Anyway I had this really kool realization today but I'm wasting time, I could be sleeping, thinking... so I'll save it for whenever the HELL I WANT! =]