What was once so great, so... full of life... is gone. As Robert Mandel would say, I just had my divorce... and God help me, I've never felt so genuinely sad.

All the trials and tribulations He has placed before me are nothing but stepping stones, helped me become a better person... but this one's the hardest, and I don't know if my 'emotional maturity' can pull me out of this. I really don't. This really really stings. I'll miss you bro. Every damn day.. every damn day.

I can't blog anymore. It's all over.

Hate to say it but... life is not getting any brighter. I really do feel like shit. heh.. Robert told me about when him and his 'best' friend had a falling out a long time ago... "It was like a divorce dude." Arrgh.. I will hate these last few weeks if I do NOT FIX EVERYTHING! Yes, I'm a worrier.. so fucking what. Today was fucking terrible... while people really gave me some support. That's something that keeps me going, I guess. I have grown up mentally... I can get over all this junk, right? I'd say yes, but it's... not easy when you're dealing with the person that knows you the best. Out of everyone. And they have blocked you out - both literally and figuratively. Yeah.. and knowing they're happy as can be makes you feel that much worse. What a mind-killer..

..anyway today Mr. Linn pointed out how easy to read I am. It's fucking ridiculous... noone used to know how I was before this whole 'emotional awakening'. Heh funny, "You look in great pain Luis... I wish you would cry." Sure Mr. Linn.. already a few steps ahead of you. By the way, I know everyone (yeah, EVERYONE) listens to depressing emo shit when they are down... Midtown, Evanescence, Linkin Park, Our Lady Peace, etc... DO NOT LISTEN. You're supposed to try to climb out of your slump... not bury yourself a hole. Now if only I practiced everything I preached... bye.

Tried running. All it got me was... well... it happened again... and I couldn't feel a thing.

mistikXsiamese: i'm sure he's just angry and not thinking straight...i mean c'mon it's wuts his face
mistikXsiamese: he loves u like a brother man
Thee seXay onE: i really dont think he does :-(
mistikXsiamese: i think he does

I'm sorry for not making sense in the blogs all of a sudden homiez... but this is hardcore serious stuff. Im full of material..

"The supreme happiness in life is the conviction that we are loved -- loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves." - Victor Hugo

I wouldn't mind.. but you are my only hope. Clear as a bell are the short breaths.. that you take when you're distracted. Same as the way that you roll your eyes when I've asked too many questions. I will call you in three weeks... maybe then you'll have some more to say.

*teaRS ouT HaiR* #@^$@^^$&^%$#@. Gotta breathe. Gotta think. Gotta... do somethinggggg

It is only when you think you have found some stability that the whole ground starts to rumble around ur feet... Then, you panic looking for something to find some ground to stand on, but there's just nothing around... hmm. I really don't know wut Imma do when several of my best friends are this close to turning their backs on me. I really wouldn't care, but it's getting really scary, seeing these sides to those I keep closest to me... it seems like I have a lot of fone calls to do. Pray too. =T

Fuck

I'm breaking down for the most confusing of reasons. It isn't what you think... it's what I think.

*gobble* *sniff* *snort* I hate my twin and I hate my m0m's insanity. I'm eternally sleepy. Today was good.. kind of bland while at skool.. so much is going thru my mind at once that I'M GOING TO GO INSANE. I will write it all out.. and find some way to get rid of this bullshit ruining my last few wks of high skool.. somehow. bye

I'm riding on the back of this pressure
Guessing that it's better I can't keep myself together
Because all of this stress gave me something to write on
The pain gave me something I can set my sights on
Never forget the blood sweat and tears,
the uphill struggle over years, the fear and
trash-talkin' and the people it was to
And the people that started it... just like you

As the wk goes on.. everything sucks.. argh. I was reading something (again I know) and I almost started to tear up... gosh, whenever I feel so overwhelmed by something I read I kinda stop myself to think.. wtf is wrong with me.. no need to get all wound up.. but it's just so beautiful. I wish I could read some more but haha, I can't find anything else to read. There's too much in my head rite now that I have to find the ultimate distraction... and I'm trying alright. I feel so restrained to let anything out about anything... I think Imma slowly regress again. I need some sort of stability for all the things that I think about throughout my days. *sigh... I'd give anything for some relaxation. Sleeping in might not be enuff. bye

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love, and to be loved in return." - Moulin Rouge.

Had a twisted wkend. I love u mom.

Nerdie boy: ur friendship is confusing
Nerdie boy: i think only u and him understand it
Thee seXay onE: haha yes.

Everyone makes me think too damn much. I hear ppl are mad at me... some are in love with me (haha apparently..), and etc. I realized today talking to my homie that I dont have to be the one to pursue things all the time.. whether I care about them or not. It's hard to get used to, cuz usually I end up running around trying to 'solve' things, whether they're pety or not. Anywayz.. future planz include going to Peter's house to RELAX~!, starting ism project, prolly smoking out w/ whomever wishes, talking to Mushy, and counting down til everything is finally OVER. Yeah.. I'll miss high skool. I'll miss my friends as well. But will I miss the high skool drama bullshit? negative. outline time. late

Today was very good but still... strange... hmm. I read something today that really motivated me to blog.. but anyway today I had this realization.

Friendship's been something I've alwayz struggled w/, for one reason or another. heh you would know.. but anyway, friendship is.. the most precious and coolest thing to ever have. Introspecting, I feel that it's pretty much something that happens at random over time.. and I think that's wut is so amazing about it. I mean really; if you think about it hard enough, whoever and whatever you are does not necessarily matter. If you put in the time, effort, and care into it... you can be friendz with anyone you want.

I guess I'm saying this becuz friendship is something I alwayz have in mind - but I can't put it into words correctly. To all my friendz out there I just wanna say that.. you guys are the greatest thing I have going. I appreciate every single one of you. o and to Peter.. you mean jerk.. you're the greatest thing to happen to me. Ever. =] hmm.. one day.. Imma say this all outside of this little box. =[ It won't be easy.

Such a strange time. Power goes in many directions and levels my friend... I refuse to let you throw your goddamn shit at me anymore. I'M GONNA THROW IT BACK cuz I love you =]

Something isn't right... and I can't put my finger on it. I don't like this. So sick of it all...

Fuuuuck AP's. hahaha saw x2 today, it was insane. I love it. Just finished my housing app for UCR, Tim and Peter are my roomie possibilities (in that order). Talked to Peter for a lil bit cuz I didn't how to fill that shit out... but anywayz, today was nice. hahaha Peter An, Joe, Dan and Tim all got caught ditching XD XD XD... dudes you should learn from the master. ANYWAYZ I hope this wk is good. Gosh too much blogging... ._.x late

Well I can't sleep... damn food keeping me up. haha. Let's see why am I so behind on everything =T... movitation for anything truly escapes me at the moment. Random comments from the past few days:

- Peter is the meanest (looking.. haha) best friend anyone can have, as evident through the pics I got back from being developed. I got so many nice pics, too bad I look so ugly in all of them.. hahaha. They all look so nice! I finally got a nice pic of some people. As for those pics taken by OTHER people for me... omg... learn to use a camera. Honestly I don't trust people to know what a 'close up' is - let alone use it as good as I do. uhh.... no... I don't have an ego about this. XD Check them out in the friends section rite now!!! Like? =]

- Brighton + Glen + Luis on Friday = insanity. We're like the 3 most desperate people in the world. W00T!!!!1 good times.

- I am getting the greatest tux ever... too bad it won't match at all with Meg. hahaha I really don't care, it's gonna be great... anywayz Matt and Jenny bumped into Slackers at Gary's tux shop and then left (probably to have krazy love sessions). Once we started getting fitted, Mushy and Tim (Trim?) came in and they hung out with us for a while, and we all went to eat. It was nice... except for the fact that now my stomach wants to eat itself. hmm. Bonding time with people is so koo man, everyone should just... KICK BACK. This means you Peter!!! hahaha... ahhh.

- This reminds me... today marks one year since I saw Spiderman, and since um... I had one of my first... kick-back days. Or so I thought. O man how things change in such a short amount of time. Keeping this to myself tho =]

- I find less and less motivation to blog, or use IM, or even speak, when I have grown accustomed to using my journal for whatever. It's true, self analysis, or just writing your thoughts down, is really theraputic... you get so much set in ink and set in an organized manner, that you finally know why the fuck you're so messed up... mm. I just wish I wasn't so lazy, I could do so much more. Speaking of doing so much more... I really really like my last entry. Enuff from me. late

4/29 was nice. For several reasons. So was 4/30. I hung out with Hallmark-ism and the extras, it was great. I think Friedman is a very strange guy... that makes him kool. Anywayz I came across this when cleaning out my favs list and I was like... wow.

Sunday, March 03, 2002

life is interesting.. i dont mind it.. lately i've been thinking a lot (scary) yea but its mostly been about society.. the system is so screwed up man.. im happy being who i am.. but then i know that i am the oppressed and opressor.. but pity doesnt do anything, affirmative action must be taken place.. but will i be able to stand up for myself and for my frends and family? or will i just conform and fall in line.. in life is there a way for me to always win.. or will i always be the loser.. and if i am the loser does the loser ger a consolation prize? or is life just meaningless. these are some questions that go through my head but i know the way.. i know what i need to do.. its just can i or will i do it..

Peter blogged at 10:37 PM.

Whether or not this was just some phase in my bro's evolution... I stand by my belief that he does have it in him to not... fall back in line... all I have to do is stand by him to support him. It's been such an arduous journey, and things have really changed for everyone... but ya know what? If you have the potential... do not let it die. Goddamn dude... do not let yourself waste away. Anyway I dunno why this fascinated me so much. Is it because it's one of the only things I've read from Peter that comes right from his heart? Or the fact that out of all our damn skool... we're the closest friends we got for one another. Who knows and frankly who cares, all I know is that... he's got it in him. Potential. Wut about you?

Grr Anyways TODAY was okay til the end, fucking A... if it isn't me going through some sort of crap (which I haven't been, you notice?), it's one of my friends. Today my Mush's car was broken into for the third goddamn time... and usually my first reaction to events such as this isn't shock but ANGER, and I'm really mad rite now.. I feel utterly helpless. I wish I could do something major in order to demonstrate my care... but argh. I need to cool off hardcore. I've felt this way before - your friend has something terrible going on, yet you feel you can't do a fucking thing except stand there... I gotta get my head on straight. late