Now Playing: my song, yo

Feeling better.

I went to Pentland Hills today, and damn did that take me back. It was so sad.. I swear people were throwing cd players at me

Anywayz yeah, I went to go study some history with my new friend Blair. What actually happened was, we pretended* to study, when in reality we were all messing around preparing for G building's Halloween Hall entry. Man do I miss the whole dorm thing.. apartments here depress me =[. They had a GREAT hall thing, including hormonal zombies and my dead girlfriend.

I had a great great time though dead girlfriend or not, and afterwards Blair played some guitar for me. Goddamn! The kid is impressive. I was like in awe sitting on his bed. I'd have to fucking sing my ass off to impress the man =\. But yeah! Meeting new people fucking rocks. I think he's the coolest dude I've met this year. It's time for new things and people and everything. And here is my pseudo-artsy photo of Blair in action:



Highlander.. please hire me.. and someone get me some fucking vodka! It's been like.. a week. hahaha. Damnit, so much is going through my head and I have no way to get rid of it.. blast it all. late

This song is changing my life.

The atlantic was born today.. and i'll tell you how...

The clouds above opened up and let it out.

I was standing on the surface of a perforated sphere
When the water filled every hole.
And thousands upon thousands made an ocean,
Making islands where no island should go.
Oh no.

Those people were overjoyed; they took to their boats.

I thought it less like a lake and more like a moat.

The rhythm of my footsteps crossing flood lands to your door have been silenced forever more.
The distance is quite simply much too far for me to row
It seems farther than ever before
Oh no.

I need you so much closer..

[instrumental break]

I need you so much closer..

So come on, come on

I need to start dooing something about what's happening to me, or I'll end up the same exact way I was before. Alone.

Now Playing: same song

A lady is taking me away today..

goddamn.

you needed to hear it. Better now than making up silly expectations in your head, right? Right right.. okay. okay

Now Playing: Death Cab for Cutie - Transatlanticism

The lights are off. The storm outside, is unlike anything I have ever seen here. The rain is punishing the earth, pelting it with scorn.

This song is the most beautiful song, I have ever heard.

And this moment, right now, is the best moment I have ever had. Sitting watching the storm hit, just... thinking, and marveling.. this is the greatest moment of my life. There is ... so much, I have left to figure out about.. everything. And that's fine.. I'm not the only fuck evolving.

TAKE LIFE AND RUN WITH IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I need you so much closer...

Now Playing: guess, bitch

I apologize for the music. I realize my hypocracy, since I'd never EVER read them myself.

Thanks Matt for the support!! Now here are a few of my favorite tunes.

actually... just all of Velvet Teen. 8-)

I am soooo unoriginal. It's fucken awesome. These songs are fucken awesome. WHo the hell needs spoken word whern they have these?

Now Playing: The Velvet Teen - A Captive Audience

Like Disjointed Heart, my blog title is based on a song.

i'm gonna make it go away, like it never happened
like the author ran out of ink, before you got to me

it doesn't matter, you have your answer
my breath upon yer hand, my breath upon yer hand

cos we're never far from another life

but i never wanted to make you spend the night..
with yer loneliest thoughts
will you come around this time
will i be left here

ooh, love
when so proudly we fail
and all the optimists sing
"yeah, we'll be that far"
when we'll be that far behind

it's the drug distraction
they'll scream when i kick

but for every moment that i get too close
to the faceless void from which i stumbled

it's only because my heart swells over
and i misinterpret it, i dwell on my failures
cos i had parents who taught me to love
yeah, love was something.. they never knew

they never cared about you anyway
a hope vicarious, a captive audience..

even the people that you call your friends
can fuck you over in the subtlest ways

it'll be your comfort that you're always alone
they never cared about you anyway..they never cared
they never care so much.. as when you've lost your way
fire and brimstone where they lay me

heaven help us for a way
to get out of here
get out of here
get out of here..
ooh, love

Now Playing: The Velvet Teen - Caspian Can Wait

He waits for the greater silence as every day goes faster
A cipher he knows too well / of killing himself
by looking closer

You've got so much love locked up inside you
just waiting to come out..

You'll heal the world in spite of itself
and make a better one / You say you're a veteran

Story of my life.

He waits for the reign of his tyrants to tire of their games
God save him
He'll be the one to fracture their fractus castles
and scatter their tiers on the pavement

You've got so much love locked up inside you
bursting at the seams

You'll kill the world in spite of itself
and make a better one / You say you're a veteran..

Caspian can wait sometimes
He'll be in the way sometimes
Immortalized with every anguish we yield
this is our christening.. nobody's listening

Caspian can wait sometimes
He'll be in the way sometimes
Immortalized with every anguish we sell
this is our christening.. nobody's listening

Now Playing: The Velvet Teen - Counting Backwards

Maybe tomorrow marks the end
of this painful phase we're in
Maybe the sunrise shows the way for us..

Maybe the stars that fill your eyes
are the stars that have been leading me my whole life
just to end up with you

Cuz when you get so close, I run and hide
close your eyes, count backwards

I don't give up without a fight
Here I come, I'll find you

and love, I'm yours / if you'll / turn me out
When you need me, I'll be there

We hide
and seek,
but always leave hand in hand

Maybe this chapter marks the start
of no more broken hearts
Maybe the letters all spell out happiness

Maybe the words aren't always kind
but they're never meant to make you feel alone
just to stand up to you..

Cuz when you get so close, I run and hide
close your eyes, count backwards

I don't give up without a fight
Here I come, I'll find you

and love, i'm yours / if you'll / turn me out
When you need me, i'll be there

We hide
and seek,
but always leave hand in hand

and I'll carry you, if you promise to carry me
we'll carry we
it's a simple thing, you and me .. you and me

Cuz when you get so close, I run and hide
close your eyes, count backwards

I don't give up without a fight
Here I come, I'll find you

and love, i'm yours / if you'll / turn me out
When you need me, i'll be there

We hide
and seek,
but always leave hand in hand

Now Playing: The Velvet Teen - Naked Girl

Everything we will ever say and feel is a cliche. Any and everything has been said felt experienced and talked about by somebody else. I am fine with that, really. Get over your lack of originality. Don't feel so alone.. because you're not. Let us do what I think we should be doing. Live life, instead of thinking about how to live it.

And now my music

smile, you will be my shield
you'll be the only thing anyone ever sees

kill, crush me, break my will
cease the endless rats inside the walls
that squeak and scratch away, and keep me awake

this is my vice that i will break..
this is my christ in arms today..
this is my golden chance to fight the odds
that never seem to change
ne'er seem to change
ne'er seem to change

today

love, don't hurt me this time
be for real or kindly let this lonely soldier be
fear, my old friend disappear
leave me to regard the world in better ways
than what is wrong and what cannot be..

this is my vice that i will break..
this is my christ in arms today..
this is my golden chance to fight the odds
that never seem to change
ne'er seem to change
ne'er seem to change

don't say you'll change..
don't say you'll change..
don't say you'll change..

don't ever go
don't ever leave me
don't ever go
don't ever leave me
don't ever go
don't ever leave me
don't ever go
don't ever leave me..

this is my vice that i will break..
this is my christ in arms today..
this is my golden chance to fight the odds
that never seem to change
ne'er seem to change
ne'er seem to change

don't ever go
don't ever leave me
don't ever go
don't ever leave me..

Now Playing: hehe

Caspain Can Wait, sometimes. But not me

When you feel like ughhhhhhhh... life is too much, it's too heavy too full of shit you have no idea the meaning of.. chillax. I try to envision my life in a panoramic view. I start by looking up. Slowly the scene moves higher and higher.. I see myself as this small figure in a large room. The large room is part of a long hall, which is the top of one apartment building, off the main streets to the University of California, Riverside. On the other side.. you are right there. How amazing. We're like ants man

Life IS a game of The Sims, don't you get it? TRIVIALIZE THE DRAMA YOU FUCKS! In the end, we're little figures that talk jibberish and have the wants and needs that we could never explain even if we wanted to.

Oh, and I love talking to Jenny Ewald. Even online. This weekend definitely ended the week in a muh better note than I was in earlier. Hopefully I don't slide back down like that anytime soon. Life is someone playing Sims, and I'm just one of the created losers that speaks something totally incomprehensible.

So now, I'm going to open my eyes reeeeally wide and try to remember that. Nothing has to be heartbreaking or difficult or whateverthefuck. Nothing man. There is always the third person view.

Now Playing: I will regret this entry I know it

so yeah im drunk. Went to an ********8awesome* party and met a shATFUCKINGLOAD OF great people. Ppl from Berkeley, from Davis, and of course my lovely Riverside. I did get fucked up, but it was awewsome. I met a new friend and omg hes from thousand oaksQ! lol yeah. Dude, everyone there was hot. Girls and guys. I felt motherfucking inadequate. But dude they were all sooooooooooooo nice that yeah./.. big porn party thursday. I officially love party life again. Todfay did suck big penis until tonight. omg so how many times did we make fun of that bitch? NONBODY LIKES YOU. lol

ok good nite. I suuuuure hope I see Blair soon! masn man man I am beyond excited here. goodnite buddysssssss

Now Playing: Devdas - Hamesha Tumko Chaha

goddamnit.

I had to go around being a detective. I now know what I refused to accept. Blast you!@ This only tremendously bothers me now

Now Playing: guess whoooo

a) Happy Birthday Dad. I love you and everyday, I thank the heavens that I got a dad with SO much ambition and drive to put his family forward. You really are one of a kind, and if you only cut the temper down.. you'd be perfect. But I wish you didn't change a bit, because I'm glad that you're just the way you are. Damn you guys for not picking up the fone today! Now I feel like the worst kid in the world, not telling you this myself.

b)Today was my recovery day. Usually, the day after, aka the start of yet another process... is as bad as the day before. I need to get out of my room and mellow yellow. Anxiousness is a bad thing, says Ismael. Well, I think it goes with ambition so hopefully.. I don't step out of bounds with what I'm about to do to change everything around me. I know, I know.. ''curse your dumb weird serious but vague entry luis!!''

People only post song lyrics, or links to songs, when they just cannot express what they hold within by themselves. They call em the artistically inept. Today, I am member #675432467

darling, you’ve grown tired of me
when i catch your eye
it’s all that i can see
and now i hear every word you say..
but i can’t see where you are

one day, when we’ve both settled down
we may meet again, in some long forgotten town
gone, the years of wandering around..
and finally ascend that future seat
we’ll make ends meet
as long as there’s (an end)
it can be hard to figure out
(..yet soon we shall see..)
the fine print’s meant to blur your eyes
(there are things they don’t want you to read)
but one thing will always remain clear...

i’m not here, and you were meant for me....

someday we’ll take that future seat
we’ll make ends meet
as long as there’s (an end)
it can be hard to figure out
(..yet soon we shall read..)
the bright light’s meant to burn your eyes
(there are things they don’t want you to say)
but one thing will always remain clear

i’m not here, and you weren’t meant for me....

you weren't meant for me.
you weren't meant for me.

This is definitely one of those times..

Now Playing: More Velvet Teen

Thank you Brighton. Thank you so much.

Right now.. I could care less what I end up doing with my life in terms of what would make me happy and feel good. No.. this does not mean I don't care about being successful or not 8-).

Now Playing: Jimmy Eat World - Cautioners

I guess today was my turn to feel like shit.

I thiought rain and I were like best friends yo.. but it turns out that after the amazing pleasure I get from walking and running and sitting and standing in the rain.. it depresses me

I am not typically pissy, or upset, like I have been all morning today. Wind howling, rain soaking me, I thought I'd be havin the best day of the week. I even told Ismael I felt today would be awesome, and I said this at 8am!! Boy I was wrong. I'm so unhappy right now. It's what comes with the territory of being sexually, emotionally, and spiritually frustrated.

I [oooh 4 paragraphs in a row that start with I] am going to explode soon, if this weather doesn't let up, and I realize that this is just a bad day amongst all the good ones I usually have. Blast you to hell emotion sickness

Now Playing: The storm's sensual pulse hitting my window

You exude sex
and it's weakening my morals

Good God it's gonna happen again

Now Playing: The Velvet Teen - Naked Girl

I hope you guys like the new template. It took me a while, and after a few years, I definitely needed a change of scenery.

I remember telling that to myself once high school was over. How I needed a change in scenery. It turns out I was both right and wrong. This still-new environment at the lovely UC Riverside has given me a chance to do alot of things I wish I had the gusto to do back in high school. I met a hot girl in class and we are SO gonna study date. Actually, I've made quite a few hot friends.. but damn I'm going on a tangent!

More than ever before, I'm gonna go loose and try out everything. everything. It's about time we all break out of our routines more than ever before dont you think? And what better time than now! It's make and break time fellas. See ya on the other side

Now Playing: sigh sleepy ZzZzzzZZ

Goodbye, sweet template #2.

You were there when I broke up with the loves of my life
when I hated the world
when I learned to love life

I doubt things will ever feel as home-like as they do with you. But you know what..

it's time for a change

Now Playing: The Velvet Teen - Caspian Can Wait

Today is notable because I met two really cool people..

..and I'd do them both

Now Playing: The Velvet Teen - Forlorn

If I told you how I felt about you.. would you freak out? Everyone hates hearing what they don't want to be let in on.

such a goooooood song I'm trippin out

Now Playing:

last night, Joey Bryan and I joined a part of the UCR crew and took a trip to Chapman University, somewhere in the OC. It was meant to be a little sociasl gathering with Jen's friends Katie and Michelle, but it kinda turned into ... I dunno. Joey wanted to drink everyone wanted to drink, so everyone but Bryan did hehe. Ugh - never EVER have Malibu Rum. ever. Same for Rain Vodka. yeah let's not get into that one.

Anyway, having not really drank in a while, both Joseph and I had an extreme low tolerance, so we were floored as a few of us got together to play Jenga. JenGa!! hahaha such a horrible game! But it was fun because well we sucked. After a while, everyone sat down together to watch Sixteen Candles, and eventually we got tired of the booza and left. Thanks for driving 3 obnoxious guys back home Bryan

Good times. Got to see some of my Grand Marc girls [Meghann <33], Habub, my OC friends, and spend some quality time with Joey, which we haven't really done since school started officially. Definitely a nice evening.. until we got home to play XMen Legends for HOURS.

Who am I kidding? It was soooooo great. Buy me an xbox

Now Playing: Emiliana Torrini - Merman

On the way back to the apartment today, I heard this snippet of a conversation a girl was having over the fone. She was upset. "How could you even think of doing this to me?"

What she said made me think of everything that has possibly gone wrong between friends in my experiences. I wonder, was she really that surprised? Was I when things happened to me? As humans we are capable of doing great things, both good and bad.

I mean, I've had my high school graduation put in hiatus because I wouldn't give up pictures [haha Matt ;D], my journal stolen and passed around like cheap booze, heart broken soul exhausted..

should she really be that shocked that even those we break bread with can break our backs? Goddamn! It makes me feel mad at myself for not being more outraged, for both her and myself.. if we saw what were to happen to us in the future, would we be just as mad at it when it actually happened than if we had no clue what was going to occur?

How dare you even think of doing this to me ... it's ike we don't know one another very well sometimes. This is such a great day for this kind of thinking

Now Playing: Jimmy Eat World - The Most Beautiful Things

so why don't people go out and do what they want to do? If you wanted bloddy satisfaction with yourself and your life, aren't you supposed to go out and do that for yourself? I know why people don't..

..because they have the eyes and opinions of their peers, constantly watching their moves, their motives, at an everready pace to judge. I mean, I do it all the time. I refrain from doing alot of things I enjoy in front of people, because I hate the looks, the ''why are you doing this'', and how it really shouldn;t matter what others think, as long as youre content.

You know, it isn't even other people that stop us from doing what we want with ourselves. It's us, and the fear we create and consume when we consider what our peers will think when we act upon our impulses.

Goddamnit I'm going to go run amok in Riverside. Let's see who backs up who now!!

Now Playing: Muse - Endlessly

I thought I saw you today
thought I heard your voice today
thought I would hate you again
but you looked different
older
like you weren't the same person
I knew so long ago.
My stomach wouldn't churn
and no reaction came out of me.

Maybe it wasn't you.

Now Playing: The Velvet Teen - A Captive Audience

awesome band.

I feel like updating and then commenting.. may I?

Thursday a big group of the UCR kiddies went to go see the Jimmy Eat World [!!] concert that was happening at school. Oh man. Did you know some of my all-timers are jimmy songs?! Basically it was half of the girls, most of the guys, and some of Habib's [ooh sorry - Ryan] friends that drove up from SD. Met some freshie girls while in line.. I know I know cardinal sin haha. They were alright. No seriously.. oh and donnnnn't tell Jen, but one of her friends from the OC was cute. She looked like a long-haired Rosie. so cute.

The concert itself - AMAZING man, amazing. The Velvet Teen opened for JEW, and omigoodness I found a new favorite band. The lead singer's voice was this melodic mix between Bono from U2 and the lead from All-American Rejects. It was so awkward - but it fit. The songs were great. They said we were their biggest audience to date - isn't that awesome? Considering these guys have been to places like Japan. But yeah, this looks like a group I'd definitely buy an album for. When they closed up the world turned upside down..

Jimmy played SO MANY of my favorite songs! You've probably heard me belt out one or two x] and everyone was into it.. even Bryan. lol the girls were so short and us so tall and EVERYONE jumping, it was madness. Not even halfway through and this... huge circle was made on the floor where we were, and everyone was just PUSHING and shoving and going wild. You had to have been there to understand. Habib gets into the action and eventually drags me in. #$^& hahaha so I shove him back and run away from hell, as I didn't want to die. IT WAS GREAT! It was a surreal experience. The lighting, one of my faovrite bands, and a huge group of friends.. unbeatable. 11 of us pigged out at Denny's afterwards. That's when I remembered.. I was waking up at 5 that morning

Tonight I had dinner with Nicole, as we both made the trip back home for the weekend. Me for her.. and she for Jacob. haha. We went to Cafe Bellisimo, where she worked this summer. I got to meet most of her co-workers, and got to see my boy BOBBY!!! Oh MAN I missed him so =). While we caught up on one another, Nic kept running around, thinking she still worked for the place.. it was very cute.

Nicole is one of the very, very few people in my life that I'm going to have around forever. You can feel it. She's like my sister, like we can go so long without seeing each other, and always pick up from the last time. You don't really get that with anyone anymore, which is something I've definitely come to terms with as time passes by. Sometimes, with her, I feel like making people jealous.. because I know very few people have such a great friend by their side. And THAT was my emo compliment for the month, see you in two weeks Nic!

I backed out on going to Jacob's then Bobby's. I had this sudden rush of thought so I had to write stuff down. Tonight, being with NIcole just doing much of nothing, it hit me like a ton of pasta..

..that I'm there, man. I'm in it. This is what it feels like to know who your friends are and will be, to be free from drama, and to just be happy. Happiness is something I know I thought I was always fighting towards, but never could reach. But I guess we all get caught up in our own lives to realize what's really going on. I don't think I really told myself, until tonight, that I have the best friends I could really want, and I wouldn't trade the feeling that comes with that for anything.

But I still want Santa Cruz weed. adios mofos