Made a new cd today, and it's gonna spearhead me into the future. I actually got yelled at by my dad for being such a hermit, at a time when he just wanted me ot be with the family. It's alrite... it's just a phase that I slip into. Who doesn't. I gotta admit man, this weekend was actually very... refreshing, and fun, just being with my family. I felt I had to blog it cuz... I know I hardly ever feel or say such things. :P lata.

I need something new to sink my teeth into. Fuck, when did I get so ambitious?

Family. I'm gonna miss them, and it barely hit me how much I will. There's times when I'm at my bed reading something, and I'll look to my left, and I see both my siblings, each at a computer desk, looking like the most brain-dead people I've seen since well, Cleveland. But anyway, I just can't help but laugh, because I love them to death [I do], and they just look so ridiculous sometimes... they so take after me. ^_^ I feel that some people really take their family for granted. Hell, they take everything for granted. People all around me enjoy being hedonistic, basking in pleasures of the moment, when I think that peretuates a state of meaninglessness. When it's all said and done, what do you have that you can call your own? There is very few people in my life [at this time] that I can truly consider as part of my family.. so I can't stand wreckless characters. Not anymore, I guess. Enjoy what you have guys... it won't be with you when you need it, if you don't appreciate it now.

It's when I'm with my family that I feel most understood, which is ironic, noone likes ot admit that their parents may have a clue as to how they function. I don't have to explain any of my behavior to them, and it's great. They just know. Today I didn't really feel like going out, with anyone and they knew. Sometimes, if I feel social, I'll go out. But other times, I NEED TIME ALONE, and I think people get offended by it. We all need time to ourselves, I'm just more aloud about it. Family knows that, and I'm glad. Now that I think about it... very few people actually know me, know me well enough to not get pissed at any quirk I do. Some of those people are friends forever, and some have come and gone. I think I'm slipping on my original point, so I'll save this tangent for later. I'm gonna watch terrible USA movies with Rebel. lata

You'll find me to be much more not-casual around here from now on. As if i wasn't dreadfully stoic here in the first place xD I'ts time to evolve into a more permament state of ... I dunno, intellectualism. OH, I finished my book. I'm gonna post some more quotes from it... it gives me shivers, because it's the best book I've ever read. Got my housing, which just makes me wanna leave even more. It's gonna be such an experience. Everything... is an experience. more later. nite

Although I never would have admitted it at the time, for some time I had cherished a whole body of romantic ideas about the nature of genius and inspiration, one of them being that you couldn't be a real artist if you hadn't had a nervous breakdown when you were young. The younger the better. However, my impression was that you couldn't just lower yourself into the depths whenever you felt like it; there had to be a plausible catalyst for the breakdown, a real or symbolic event that set off the psychological avalance, and I could hardly ask for a more plausible one than what has happened in my life. I wasn't so monstrously selfish as to be glad that I've been battered and bruised, but I was selfish enough to convince myself that it was my duty, now that it all had happened, to turn it into something positive.

Amazing. Hope you like it. Took the words right out of my mouth. Now comment, fool.

Need to fully let go. As much as she pisses me off... I can't look back. Man, talk about your shattered dreams. heh, I just can't believe some people. I really can't. Of all the two-faced assholes I've encountered... bah. Anyway, these past few days have been full of social meetings, and every damn time I leave it with a new perspective on people; on my friends. Oh, and Minjung ;-P

I've been slowly but surely signing a yearbook I was given, which gave me the impromptu to look through the yearbook. I looked at everything again, revisiting the life that was high skool. Read everything too, kinda got distracted. That's when it first came to me: everybody played a role during their high skool tenure. I start seeing it more and more everyday, that I go out with the gangstas, or Slackers, Enza, etc.

So which were you? We all fit into a certain role and whether we realied it or not, we played into them all the time. You wonder where movie writers get their ideas from, it's all based on reality. Every single one of us had some sort of 'descripton' that was passed around E hall, and everybody had an idea as to who we were as a person... whether on the outside or inside. You walk through the halls, walk past people you had classes with, they all knew of you. Whether they acknowledge you or not was their deal, but they know your story. So what were you? Did you even like the person you were [are]? I'm starting to feel a little let down by some folks... I guess not everybody has substance to them underneath the outside. I really can't wait to get away. I'm tired of the facade that we all feel we should still put on, even after we've moved away from high skool. I guess some don't realize that it's over. GROW UP!

With that said... Ariel, I love ya and miss you already... thank God you contacted me before you left. Another one bites the dust. Man, and I haven't even scratched the surface of how frustrated I can get... aw well. Just gonna put myself up to the task of never seeing some people ever again.

Ugh. No more **** *** in my room... it's just not comfy, seeing my away message on while I'm on my back.

... was that too graphic? I censored it cuz I felt kind of whore-ish. haha. anyway. Time for my profound thought of the day: It seems like the grip of my most 'impactful' relationships with people always started off with a bang... and by that, I mean it was heavy and gruesome right away... bricks before sticks. haha. Of course with alot of people, usually things start off casual, right? Well... it's like I have a knack for doing the exact opposite. It's kinda hilarious.. since most of those end up going through huuuge drama. go me!~

why am I in such a good mood? It must be my aim profile. Admit it... it fuckin' rocks. It's all I have goin' now!

&^%$@# :-[ wow...so I was out with the gangstas outside talkin' and Enza makes me go back inside for whateva... she calls me back later and AHHHH! Minjung, her sister, Glen and Enza were all sittin' around her car, with this cute cake and candles... oh wow. I couldn't even say anything, but just look at their faces. Minjung's a skinny widdle girl now! hahaha man... just wow. So I made my wish, and we all sat on the floor, got drunk with apple cider.. damn. Times like this when all you can do is smile. Thanks guys.

haha... I find it really cute that some of us posted poems the same day. We don't even try to think alike anymore.. it juss happens. In my case though, this whole summer has been the summer to 'let go' - of everything that has dragged me down over time. It was just time to let go. Good blogs everyone.. keep me readin'.

Still a little irked that some of my best friends just forgot to remember it was by birthday on sunday... but since I never make a big deal out of it, disappointment is juss something I'm used to. Ugh, how pessimistic does THAT sound. But man how insulted are we all when people we love forget our birthday... so give me a break.

I've been reading Lost In Place: Growing up Absurd in Suburbia and it's changing my life everytime I read on. It's so core-ish, it makes me mark out everytime I read something. You know you liked the core books too... try to get a hold of this one. We have similar tastes anyway.

Finally, thankx to my m0... er, Enza for getting me out of the house yesterday. I AM NOT UP TO THIS BABYSITTING GIG ANYMORE! I just can't quit cuz gangsters will kill me. x] That, and I'm infatuated with one of my kiddies... way too adorable. I'm pretty mad at how two-faced the world seems to be nowadays - and even more upset that it affects my friends. It's all cool Enza... we'll be outta here soon anyway. Beach at nite = love. Random thought posts are kool! Dontcha love reading them? ahhh. lata

Runaway dream
back when I felt I could run.
The days underneath the stars
gazing at their splendor
kissing trouble away
led me to believe that I could run
finally catching your attention.
Just drifted away.
Don't have to lie
you found someone else to play with
to admire your hair, your smile.
Guess I could never run fast enough
to catch you but for a mere moment
when we met atop a bridge
seeming like... I finally won.
It's time to stop running
time to see you pretend you need me
when nobody else is so willing.

goodbye.

Shut up you butthead. Who said I forgot? Sorry when I talked to you earlier I was preoccupied with dorm and orientation stuff. I should've said it earlier, but I hope this helps: HAPPY 18TH BIRTHDAY LUIS. You have ALWAYS, ALWAYS, been there to listen to me when I complain or when I need to vent. You've always been there to boost me up when I'm feeling low or just plain shitty. I can only hope that I've been there and continue to be there for you. Yes, we'll be far apart come September, but you know where I'll be the next 2 weeks and after that I'm just a phone call and/or AIM message away. Happy Birthday you deserve the best. And please, don't be bitter becuase I didn't say it earlier. Hopefully this won't stop you from saying the same to me in a couple of months ... miss talkin to ya like we used to ... come back online! Hehe. You're legal now .... take full advantage of it.
~Mush

It's quite alright... I almost forgot too. But hey, thanks to that one who actually didn't. Happy Birthday to me.

Not feelin' too hot. I had a pretty good time with Sarah, Glen, and Brighton yesterday. Target, In n Out, car, and Coldstones all took up our evening, and it was great. I'm such a conversationalist. Met a dude named Keenan that just at random asked "Have you heard of Hedwig and the Angry Inch?" and we all went =-O. haha. Stayed out til about 12.30, and after chillin' at Brighton's near the end... I didn't wanna leave. Eventually, she walked Glen and I out to his car, and it was pretty awkward, noone really.. saying anything. The time had come. I really didn't wanna tell myself that this WAS the last time I'd see her in a while. So I hugged her Luis-style, gave her a kiss on the check, take care, I'll see you very soon... and stole her Huntley hat. I really fucking hate goodbye's. The car ride home was pretty surreal. I REALLY don't like goodbyes. It hasn't even hit me fully yet - and this was one of the first, too. =/ These things won't get easier, and I rather just leave myself, before seeing everyone else fly off. I just don't feel good.. I love you Brighton.

6pm. I'm gonna miss you like krazy Parisa. Well, that's one gone... *sigh. What of Pinki & Parisa now??? >/

So my devious partner Brighton calls and we talk for 20 or so minutes... I'm gonna miss her flaky ass too. =[

Keeping to yourself in a crowd of rowdy teenagers can really help put things into perspective. Even though, I was as loud as usual. Last nite [and yesterday in general] took my mind for a huge trip... I don't know what to think of any of it, hopefully I will once I'm done here. I kinda hate blogging now, and one reason would be because, I can't take it with me when I have this huge thought and I'm not at my computer. I end up losing tremendous realizations and sh*t when I decide to wait til I get home. I'd take my journal around with me, but it's so full of... a past I don't wanna read, and if I had it with me, I KNOW I'd end up flipping thorugh the pages. Anyway, quick rundown of recent events [better rundown than Enza's!]:

Jenny and I met at Northridge Park [Mish was at the POOL YOU DORK!] and headed off somewhere cool. We ate and... well, we were both kinda nervous I could tell, but we ended up fine. So0o glad we're friends again. Went home, and Enza n I quickly made up plans to go out tonight with whomever. It was actually Brighton's idea to do something that night since she's leaving [ugh]. So, Glen picked me up and we were off to Cheesecake Factory. People present - Enza, Justine, Meg [!], Talia, Jenny, Glen, myself, and... Matt. The group atmosphere gave me flashbacks, and I don't think I was ready for em. Like... I really wasn't. We get our table, waiting for Lissa, Brighton and whomever else wanted to join us. Lissa came and I died of joy =]. Zodin popped out of nowhere too, twas koo. Conversations came out of all directions, and honestly, I enjoyed it. Was taken by surprise too. Dunno wut to say about that actually. Loss for words.. anyway it was a pretty good time, I LOVED seeing some of my friends again, some of which I hadn't seen in over a month. Brighton never showed up, by the way. Listen baby, you may be irresistable and charming, but YOU'RE THE WORST FLAKE EVER. EVER. So yeah..

I realized that amongst people, nobody can help but GOSSIP. It seems to be the only thing anyone can think of in order to keep silence away. I admit though, it can be fun just shootin' the breeze with people sometimes... but it's all anyone wants to get into anymore. I mean yeah, I get it... it's entertainment, but all too brief, shallow, and down-right sleazy. I kind of got sick of it after a while so I just chilled, enjoyed being with my peoplez. Gossip is a double-edged sword and as much as I enjoy taking part in it, it worries me how easily my friends can just talk smack about whomever... it makes you think, what do they say when you're not around? heh. Even though I have pretty good ideas. Anyway, It was a surreal time, because... it felt so nice, when I don't think it would have, normally. I guess I'm skipping around certain issues but that's because I can't portray what I feel with words. Eh well.

The latter stages of the night were pretty awesome. Enza, Justine and I are now strippers btw, watch out for a wallpaper coming to a desktop near you. You can call us Candy, Chrissy, and Destiny. hahaha holy crap... we're dumbasses. xD As we were walking to Enza's car at the Galleria, in my head, I felt so grown up... heh. I think it's because, I was with two of my homies, and I spent the night having a good time, and drama didn't come out and ruin it for anyone. I guess it comes with age. Yeah... everything comes with age. Still dunno why Matt offered me a ride home. You know, after typing all this shit out, I still don't know how to classify anything... but I guess I have time to sort it out for myself. I know I say it alot, but fuck... I'm tired of blogging for other people. It's all for ME~, biotches. I really should listen to those who tell me to please myself, before pleasing others. I wish I could be more like her. lata

"This is the second three-way I've turned down this week!" - Enza, in the car

JENNY AND I ARE FRIENDS AGAIN!!~!&$#@&

hahaha. booya to the naysayers. I couldn't do eye contact for a while tho :]

I had an amazing time last nite. I can't feel my back.

Joe, Glen and Roel picked me up in Joe's SUPER SEXAY HOT YUMMY CAR, teh '03 Eclipse that I swore to Joe I wouldn't sleep with... be careful bro ;-). Fuck that thing is gorgeous. Oh, but Joe can't afford UCR :-p. hahaha love ya man. So we get to Islands, and I become the official door man for the ppl walking in or out, since we were waiting for other pplz to arrive. Only like 6 people said thank you, 5 of them were women.. hmph, men. haha. You have no idea how glad I was to see my slacker brothers again... Joe is anorexic, Glen is vintage, and Roel is... Roel. kakaka otay. So Enza arrives, and we wait more, to which we continue with terrible jokes that Peter An thought up, and calls to the whole universe to see who was busy. Fuck, alot of you just have voicemail on... lazy bums. So I hung up ^_^. Decided to actually get a table I forget around wut time. I had to break it to you man... the Elmo cookies taste better than the Cookie Monster ones. Joe was so upset at me that he freestyled on my ass and cried all the way home. Yeah you run lil boy. Can't admit the truth to yourself. haha.

Glen Enza and I stick around til Brighton gets there, looking hot as fuuuuuucccckkkkkk... as usual. Food was otay, I ouldv'e enjoyed it more if guacamole had not spilled onto my hand. Things just became a blur for me after a while... I started getting really mellow and just surreal-ish. I was sitting here with 3 of my close friends, and I felt as happy as can be. After one of Brighton's terrible jokes about me, it hit me - she's GONE on Saturday. holy crap. This would be one of our last nite out together. So I kept more quiet than usual I think, just cuz I wanted to hear my friends talk. I like to listen, I guess. Anyway, we drove around afterwards, I have NO idea to where anymore, but it was alot. gg Enza. We almost DIED like 5 times cuz fucking cars dunno how to fucking DRIVE &%#@. 's all good tho, just all of us talking back n forth was awesome. I get this huge kick out of solid conversation, it's weird. We stop by to Brighton can pee, and these two guys just start making out once they see me and Brighton... yeah. o_O Got to the Yogurt Zone, where we saw Jacob once more. Don't think he likes me. After many stories about how giving head is hard [thereby making me feel bad for people of the past that didn't complain to ME about it], we ended up at Glen's and Enza and I went home. Twas good. I'm gonna miss times like these like krazy. Today... should be even better.

Note to the 6th period Paden's clique - Prepare to say ish!!

Conspiracy: Did Devdas and Paro do the dance of love? ;-)?

theeseXayone: http://www.chatarea.com/bollyWHAT.m1269330
pazizad: hahahah
pazizad: ur a dumbass

Plans changed to Wednesday. I can't wait, really.

To my little egg: You're not so little anymore. It's been a pretty trippy life so far, neh. I remember seeing you the day you were born... and throwing a tantrum, cuz I wanted a brother that was MY size, damnit. haha. Our relationship has been krazy like that. I don't think I have the balls to ever be consistently nice to you in person, but I think that's because I'm you're big brother; I have to kick you around, and guide you to something better than I ever had. I've had it rough ya know, there was no set path for me to take... and I'll do everything in my power to make sure you don't struggle as much as I ever had to, or still so. You make me proud, everytime you pull somehting off on your own... like I know that when I'm gone, everything will be okay. It's sick really, Enza keeps saying how you're just like me, and I try not to read into it... but now I look at you, and wow. At least you're more universally aware than I was at your age. That, and you're not a gangster. I'd like to take some credit for that. You'd look stupid anyway. I love you eggy. Happy Birthday. You're 14!

[12am] I feel bad guys... I'm sorry that I don't usually check my fone messages. haha don't get me started on how many people have been like, yo Luis this is *insert name* gimme a call, I haven't seen u so call me back!!! Yeah, I'm sorry. But at least I got to talk to Jen for like 2 hours, fresh back from Hawaii! Tiki's scare me so don't bring it too close... =T. I've been out way too much and busy too much and YET I have not seen enough of... anyone... bah, I'm selfish. I love you guys. Miss ya alot too. Fuck where is time going..

Anyway, important note: You're giving me little choice buddy... one day I will have to sit you down and HIT YOU with the back of my hand. Complaining about how terrible life is so SO last year bro! Your choices have been ill-made, and I fear the consequences weren't made clear to you, and now you have to deal with the cards you have. You canNOT waste away your time, blaming others for your woes, becuase in the end, it really doesn't do anything but make you feel miserable... I tell you what. Please, don't call or IM me, but come to me. We'll have to work this stuff out one on one, but if I see that you're too romantic and stubborn, I'm gonna kick your ass. You know I can, too. It's for your own good, you lug.

Alllllright. Future plans:

- 8/8 Go out with Brighton and her Korean homestays
- cut hair... BALD! hahaha
- 8/10 see cousins after 2 years of exile
- 8/11 alot...
* Reunion at Northridge Park
* MUSHY~ at park
* Eggy'z birthday
* dinner con los homies?
- see ALOT of people... that I have somehow strayed from
* You're included dum dum :-)
- farewells are coming up too... bah
- Find out roommate, proceed to murder Tim or Arthur
- go to a clubbbbb... I wanna boogie
- Venice? Weed? Sleep overs? Summer is almost over... damn
- read book for UC Riverside [which btw, is SUCH a core book... love]
- make coherent list with actual details [NEVA!]

Emotion comes back into my life... and now I'm left with a shatload of decisions to make. Time is running out too - Riverside is callin' my name... and I don't wanna go alone. I can't believe summer is so packed with shat to do! uuuughhhh

Happy Birthday Esther!!! :-)

Year later... and to this day, it's still one of the best times I've ever had. Time to babysit some more. byee

Busy day.. will save for lata. After talking on the fone for 23 minutes with ya, I think for starts, I won't be naming people in the blog anymore. No sir.. if I don't post about everything I do with everyone everyday, I get castrated, and it aint fair. I'm sick of it. My blog is NOT a big popularity contest - I like to fill it up with much more than the superficial 'i did this' posts. My blog is supposed to reflect me in a way; I have alot of friends, but not enough time to mention them all, I'M SO SORRY. I appreciate everyone according to how close we are, and if you think I neglect you or don't acknowledge you, well, you won't have my blog to help you in accusing me. I won't be doing that stuff, at least for a while. Perhaps when something truly important happens, I'll be more specific as to whom it involves... but no more 'skimming for your name' kind of posts. I don't want anyone reading my goddamn journal if all they wanna see is if I mentioned how we hung out the night before. I don't think so.

I have a problem, xanga peoplez, and whatever journal I happen to type in.

Well, first things first: I like to make friends. alot of em. I think when I'm a people person, I'm the worst kind there is, haha. I like to get to know alot of people, and hopefully get a friendship out of it. Everyone is sooo intriguing.. damn.

Problem though.. I do have wut I call my circle of friends. You know, those you spend the most time with, are closest to, etc. I like to write about all my friends, close or not, whether I hang out with them everyday or not too. However, my close friends have a problem with this, and seem to alwayz have: if I write about someone I'm not really close to anymore, or anything along those lines, I get my balls cut off by my close friends. Apparently it makes them feel unappreicated, that I write about people that isn't them - and they'd be right, if I didn't write about my close friends at all that is. But I do. So I'm in a position I've been in several times before. I'm being attacked for neglect and misconstrued priorities. Anything I can do or say? Since several people have felt this way, it makes everyone prone to think that I'm wrong, and therefore a terrible person.

Well... I honestly feel I'm being ambushed for misunderstood purposes, so please my journal homies... what's a guy to do? =[ I wanna hear from you Wall homies! Not necessary people from school.. as I don't wanna hear from those with their personal biases against me. It's like the music never stops... nor doe the unnecessary drama. later