Hmm so today was really great... day 3 of Peter-Paint tyme @ my house! It was boring as usual since we were painting =/.. but I hope HOPE he doesn't take those times of dreadful boredom and connect them w/ coming to my house.. cuz we could do so much more xD What rocked was that JeN came over too.. ahh wow, you know this week was rather important.. first time ever that anybody comes to MY house for once.. and it just so happened to be the only (ONLY) two pplz in the world that I'd do anything for, I'd die for em... not like theyd know tho, so lazy cant even read this here blog =P. I bought them those kool 'companion' friendship rings from Jostens, they liked them =]!!! God, for once I feel I have true setting for my affection...

...if only I got some goddamn affection back. =[

Uhm anyway.. my room is empty, I feel kinda low, my homies are gone.. and I read this blog, and it breaks my heart cuz.. as persistent as I am... and I got shit on for it!... you are too. Live life as good as I'm trying too. Fuckin' A! I wanna go sleep... so I will.

maybe not..

I took the most unsettling test ever, thankx Nic! .... =/


take free enneagram test

You desire love, for everyone to care for you. Impetus - deficit and/or excess of genuine care in your life experience. Problem - it is impossible to get everyone to care about you no matter what you do.

too intuitive
too judgemental
too orderly
too receptive
too submissive
underreaching
overly negative
too introverted
obsessive
slack
too social
too needy
underwhelmed



It is impossible that someone who is desperate for love (type 2 behavior) and for affirmation (type 1 behavior) is going to be confident enough to pursue achievements (type 3 behavior). You can't be a healthy five until you eliminate any dependency on lower type behaviors.

Oh lord... see ya.

I like my 10/27 entry... lots... hmmm oh ya, nIc and peter are co-bloggerz w/ me now xD

Uhm... I'm just waiitng =]. Today was so koo.. I actually never had someone over to my house... cuz I dont like my house. But ya~! xD... You're so coming tommoroe too dude. 8-)

hmm ... in one hour i went from tired and happy, to tired and ready-to-kill-somebody.

i hate people.

cool beans!!! three times in ONE day!!! hehe ...

forgiveness ...

i think grudges are stupid ... they really are pointless. but then again, some people forgive much too easily. personally, i can forgive easily but i never forget what happened or the effects that something [or someone] had on me. in where the heart is one of the characters says, "life is full of good and bad things, but the only things worth living for are the good." i rejected this before ... i think i'll take it into consideration again.

I learned something today while talking to someone I looooove...heh...

I'm totally forgiving about so much..it's rather quite disgusting in how easy I forgive and accept once more. Maybe it's the extra smoke in the air that makes me so mellow today?

Just remember one thing though, as much as ppl forgive, NOONE forgets, and the only thing one can do, one thing *I* can do, is try to outweigh all the good over the bad, and hope to god that everything heals correctly. Heck.. everytime I read certain things from people.. it just gets to me. Whether its good or bad, I can never forget.

I have this nice little scar too. =] Time's Scar...

Maybe I forgive so easy because I'm so willing to hurt for them.. it's how I love...LOVE! hahaha such a misused word by so many people, it's kinda sad how people whore out this word. It's a special word.. and it need not apply only to a romantic relationship, why are people so closed minded about who they use the word for, and yet so careless about when they use it?

For to love is to have this immense feeling of endearment, to the point where you might do sooo much for that person... perhaps do almost anything for them. To love, to <3 =], is to place yourself at danger, your fear aside, your pride away... someone once said, 'Love is Sacrifice' and it really is. It's a willful sacrifice, it really hurts to love. Jeez.. and I'm only talking a friend kind of love too.. wanna know all about romantic love? Maybe when my heads a little better screwed on..

Well, this week I've been revisiting and revisited (~!), and I thot I'd pull out an old email frm June that I really like, taking out key personal things of course... it seems to me that life goes around in circles, yet is NEVER the same once u make one turn. Everything alwayz changes indeed. good times!

[-quotage-]

friendship is the ability to accept someone without having them change. it's about caring for someone unconditionally. not agreeing about something but still loving each other.

luis, the reason i feel you "hate" yourself so much, is that you don't think anyone will like you as you are. but if they don't, then FUCK them. they aren't worth your time. your smile. your tears. YOU are better than that.

last year i went through the entire "soul-searching" phase. in the end, i realized that i make the person i become. that there is no unchanging "NICOLE" or "ENA" or whatever the hell i want to call myself. i realized, that i have to look at the people who REALLY care about me. that instead of focusing on MYSELF, and saying, "oh, i'm not accepted. no one likes me," i looked at all the people who do care. who do love me. everyone has that ONE person who loves them unconditionally, you just have to realize that.

it's not a matter of how many people accept you. or how many "friends" you have. it's about how much the people you're around CARE about you. who gives a FUCK if someone doesn't like the way you talk, walk, laugh, smile? the way you style your hair? the way you dress? there's someone out there who feels the same way about THEM. not everyone is going to like you. not everyone will "click" with you. time does NOT bring bonds. it's people. it's how much they care.

luis, you are a great person. you're sensitive, caring, a wonderful friend...you just have to realize that.

[-/quotage-]

You've been quoted 3 times in a day, not 2...silly xD

Jesus help me.. I have no idea what to do next with this. Anywayz here's something to fill out..

Ever been so drunk you blacked out: no.
Missed school because it was raining: yep.
Put a body part on fire for amusement: no.
Been hurt emotionally: hahaha... oh my god
Kept a secret from everyone: yep.
Had an imaginary friend: werd.
Wanted to hook up with a friend: mmhmm.
Had a crush on a teacher: YES.
Had a New Kids on the Block tape: what the??!.
Been on stage: too often.
Cut your own hair: I just shaved it off...controll issue ;].

------------------FavORITES------------------

Soap: Dove (Jen has the BEST fucking skin ever.)
Color: blue.
Day/Night: night.
Summer/Winter: summer.
Lace or satin: satin.
Fave cartoon Characters: Ranma~!.
Fave Food: krn food.
Fave Movie: Chasing Amy.
Fave Espresso: what about boba?

-----------------RIGHT NOW------------------

Wearing: nothing.
Eating: nothing.
Drinking: ice teaaaa.
Thinking about: that goddamn email.
Listening to: In Your Arms Tonight - Hedwig.
Talking too: Michelle n Peter

------------------THE LAST 24 HRS------------------

Cried: First week of skool...hahaha.
Worn a skirt: no.
Met someone new: um no.
Cleaned your room: noo.
Done laundry: nope.
Drove a car: never.

---------DO YOU BELIEVE IN------------------

Your self: how?
Your friends: I try, I do
Santa Claus: duh.
Tooth Fairy: nah.
Destiny/Fate: ehhh....
Angels: werd
Ghosts: casper.
UFO's: heck no....unless Linn's car counts

-----------------FRIENDS AND LIFE------------------

Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? No, I'm just smitten w/ everyone.
Who have u known the longest of your friends? Molly n Nicole.
Who's the shyest friend you have: Esther... and freakin Peter An xD
Who's the weirdest: Zodin.
Who do you go to for advice: *looks at buddy list* 165
Opinions: Peter, Nicole, Jenny, Meg
When do you cry the most: when i have mental breakdowns.
What's the best feeling in the world: :) progress.
Worst Feeling: Thinking about the past

I still can't get over it... wow =]

It's still just... a huge shock and I can't even type correctly... ahhh life, the things you do to people. I'm just struck with ... blah, a rush. I can't even describe this shit!

And no, I am not stoned... I'm just in shock. wow... still!

wow

I don't know... it feels good when there's this one door. You really wanna open this door too! cuz you peaked in once and it looked so...inviting, and everyone kool got to go in through this door..

You barge in, shame on you, and you get kicked out huge. I... hmmm. There's so much you learn from things like this. You sit down, around the door but not near, but close enough to see. Once the door slowly.. opens up and you see a small crack of light come out from the door's inside... THAT is so sureal, that may you never really expected anything to happen, but something does!

And my heart bursted out in silence, old things rushed up into my brain, and wow. I like it. Of course...

of course I won't barge in or anything, can't be rude like that! Maybe nudge the door... who knows mang, it may open a little more. Just a little bit. Oh wow... wow.

Silence makes cowards of us all.

OMG..!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You get it =], right?

I'm just riding the coattails of hope... watch as I fly...

my name is luis. i love nic, but i can never get her because she is just too cool for me.

love, nic

It feels weird, growing up. There's so much to this world that we will never experience, only read about... and that makes what we DO experience that much more meaningful, because it will always be a part of you, a prt of me, a part of life.

I keep getting small signs throughout everyday, that tell me something. I can't read what they say or anything but they make me slowly fill up with hope. Perhaps leaving everything so unfinished months ago has well, FORCED me to grow up all by myself, and now I realized, maybe everything DOES happen for a reason. Thing will never EVER work out exactly how you want them and I realize you're a fool if you believe htings can work that way. You use what you get and learn from what you had and have, will have, and become your own self from all of that.

Thankx to so much shit I've had to deal with, especially last semester, I think I'm almost ready to say that I'm growing up. I may just be riding the coattails of recent joy, but nah... who knows.

All I know is that I wish I could complain about what bugs me, but honestly, I wasn't in half the shape I was in say, weeks ago. Consider this as positive as I get...for now. I just wish I could share precious time with everyone. Even in misery!

Tell me you can read me still, for hope and all that good stuff is still here. w00t

read THAT, I'm so out..

gonna play for a while I guess..

Motherfucking InfiniteProfiles.... WHAT HAPPENED TO IT????????????

Blah... I get irritated and disappointed so0o0o easily...curses to everything that sucks.

>""Have you ever noticed that the worst way to miss someone is when they are right beside you, and yet you can never have them. When the moment you can't feel them under your fingertips you miss them? Have you ever wondered which hurts the most; saying something and wishing you had not, or saying nothing and wishing you had? I guess the most important things are the hardest things to say. Don't be afraid to tell someone you love them. If you do, they might break your heart, but if you don't, you might break theirs.

Have you ever decided not to become a couple because you were so afraid of losing what you already had with that person? Your heart decides who it likes and who it doesn't. You can't tell your heart what to do. It does it on its own....when you least suspect it, or even when you don't want it to. Have you ever wanted to love someone with everything you had, but that other person was too afraid to let you? Too many of us stay walled up because we are too afraid to care too much for fear that the other person does not care as much, or at all.

Have you ever loved someone and they had absolutely no idea whatsoever? Or fell for your best-friend in the entire world, and then sat around and watched him/her fall for someone else? Have you ever denied your feelings for someone because your fear of rejection was too hard to handle? We tell lies when we are afraid. Afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us. But every time we tell a lie the thing we fear grows stronger. Life is all about risks and it requires you to jump. Don't be a person who has to look back and wonder what they would have, or could have had. No one waits forever........<""

She's special ain't she =]. I'm in over my head on this one... ahhhh so much on the brain..

I'm tired.. and yea I don't know.. I get pissed and frustrated soooo easily at the smallest of things that I may end up ruining hope for anything with the flick of a wrist...

Time to look behind my back everyday again.

Monday, I loved Monday. It was like an hour of fuckin' venting and expressing that I felt we both needed and yea.. it's kinda funny how much I care and love, since like.. it just came out of nowhere gangsta 8-). Honestly, I'm glad we got things through and you know EVERY damn day I'll just be lookin forward to the next, to see things get better n better, as if there was so much left to go through...

Anyway yeah, I think from now on, all my exhaustion and over all 'bleh'-ness will just be re-grouped into full force enegry of some kind. I'm happy lately, Peter and I are as tight as ever, Matt almost killed me in his car again, Michelle and I are like...some sort of bonded figures and that came out of nowhere too...ahhh things w/ friends are almost....there.. and I guess if I look at what my life is like now...

it's better than it has been, and all I can hope for is that you finally just... let go and we reach some sort of final climax so eeeeveryone can just grow up and...have fun.

I also have to say.... you're so losing the $5 bet, Zodin. More later, I guess..

You can basically say that I have some small glimmer of hope somewhere, again...maybe maybe maybe. At least I hope so.

My journal calls. latez

Wonder if you read my last blog.. or mebe you or YOU! haha, seriously.

I got real mad and out of skew on wednesday, seems Metco (or CP²R²) is gonna start by revisiitng race, and I realized how much pain I still get eeeveryday from the asians. I mean I honestly thought this was behind me, but it's there, everyday. oi oi oi

Going to Matt's house hopefully today, Peter shall be my ride, and I'm kinda nervous...cuz I'm real peeved with him, and I don't know when to tell him how much he kills me on the inside everyday...*sigh* and I'm afraid this 'rationale over emotione' thing I will try will backfire on me...ahhh god please help. Maybe before we pass out I'll just go for it.

Nic told me to take firm action, but be very aware of how the other person is... I guess this has inspired me to do many things now, and hopefully this period of feeling swamped with everything will give me some room, at least for a while, to accomplish something.

This is gonna be the longest weekend of them all.. I can feel it.

edit: whoa no... now I'm really pissed off. You don't bring friendz over when you know you've been invited elsewhere....fucking shit this is exactly what I was talking about....wher's Luis again? Wow..... this will be the longest weekend, alright.

Time to write in the journal.

You're an idiot. Wounded wounder.. you, me.

You can push the limits, you can persist, you can tell them all that it means the world.. but you know you alwayz end up setting yousrself up for pain! Sorry to break it to you man but you do this to yourself all the fucking time..look at the past, and the now, avoid that future.

But nah...once you get hurt you revert to that shell, that old tired and true shell, and write. Write away man, write away, or nah, don't write, go play some games.. and that's when the cycle gets into full speed.

Afterwards, you're hurt, and you know....then you hurt others, because you feel some pain, you just can't grasp and deal with ti correctly... you can't deal with them because you can't deal with yourself sometimes huh...oh I can tell, I can tell...write some more, write some more, you've left disappointed souls in the back, they cried because you let them down.

I guess they joined the club huh. Personally, I hate this club...god it's so self confining, I just wanna live it up with the friendz I have...and I know you do too..

Now you tell me..is the reason you can't handle this, because you can't handle how similar everything is to one another? You can't handle yourself...write some more, write even more.

Good luck. I'm still waiting, I guess. Just like you'll always wait, because honest to god..it matters, doesn't it. =] I'm alwayz in some sort of predicament anyway, and yeah...here comes more I guess.

(And I).. Just wish that I didn't feel that there was something I missed..
(And I).. Take back all the things I said to make you feel like that..

This is my December...these are my snow covered trees...this is me pretending..

Do you know how I feel now?

I have alot to say..

But since It's night and I'm about to go chill w/ some buddies... I'll make this brief.

I had one of the best conversations of my life last night...and I came to the realization that saying you love someone has to be more exclusive, has to mean something, you shouldn't fool with such a controversial word.. you can love friends, family, a lover, anyone...but to tell them this, to make it known...you best be careful.

With this said and seeing wats happened before, all I'll say is *sees car* oh shit...rides here.

You my friend, are the reason I live for. I love ya. We may argue, we may be indifferent, we may go chill, we may have lots in common, we may not hang out often...

but my friend...I love you. heart <3

I'm so smitten with all of my friends. Fuck... good days: 2 in a row. SMITTEN I sez..

Hope is unstable yes, but when it's inclined to your favor, life is so much better. So much. Thankx.