Now Playing: Death Cab for Cutie - Transatlanticism

This thanksgiving break was the greatest time possible put into a couple of days.

Thanksgiving itself was great. Family time is always great and warm, considering how little I actually am home nowadays. Home is definitely the most reliable thing in my life, which makes me happy. Happy happy happy

Thanksgiving night Matthew drops by and we jet. It was an awesome time. I missed Matthew man! I find it difficult to put my feelings into words at the moment, which sucks just for me, because I can't quite say what's going through my head right now. Seeing Matt, running from the cops, and coming back to eat fries and play games was great, and it made me realize that.. relationships last and stay strong if they're meant to

That said, the next day was aweeeeeeesome!! Awesome awesome awesome [3 times for added effect]. Seeing Lissa, Jenny and Meg was krazy. Having Jenny and Lissa go kitty-yum krazy for meow-meow was great hahaha. Random run-ins by Michelle and other random CHS kids at the mall was krazy. The Incredibles was .. amazing, and seeing BRIGHT ONE!! and Glen was giving me trippy nostalgia. Man.. this entry is definitely not as eloquent as I wanted it to be. hmm

I dunno. Even before the drinking, and the .. ensuing bad-drunk Luis, I had this aura of calm rush over me. I remember it distinctly hitting me twice. When I awoke from my drunken slumber, I found Brighton, Glen, Jenny, and Matt all asleep on the floor. Lissa had taken Chris' bed, as a reward for not drinking. Meg came into the living room and sat next to me. Once everyone kind of woke up, it hit me..

Here we were, seven kids, each coming back home from very, very different places, and REGARDLESS of the distance and the time apart and the directions we're going in.. we found time for each other. It was so surreal to me. SO surreal. It made me feel this intense.. joy, because we all made time to catch up, and be together, and no doubt we'd do it again, because that's how strong our ties are. And I felt it the whole time we were all together. Just sitting at IHOP at a big table, I wanted to take my camera and just.. record it all. It was :):):) just this great mass of gooey.. good times.

Last night and today was the culmination of the past month and the struggles I've been going through. Last week ended pretty good, and even before then, when I was truly upset.. I had flashes of happiness. It would happen everytime I would talk on the fone, to Jenny, to Brighton.. I was slowly realizing that I have the BEST friends man, and even if they're across the fucking universe, we're there for each other. And it makes me feel like maybe life isn't so bad, when you know people have your back, and whether we make fun of each other and talk trash.. friends will be by your side when life starts to blow.

I may feel very inadequate to have the friends that I do, and I may not be the most witty, or charming, or intelligent of the bunch.. but it really doesn't matter to me. I feel like a part of something really, really cool. I wish I was good enough actually, to have the friends that I do. :/

With that said.. I'll say it again, what I said at IHOP this morning. I missed and love each and every one of you :) And I think that.. that's what I've been trying to say throughout this whole entry. So much for to the point, eh?

You guys are soo going in the journal. The new one. You'll be one of my first entries, ever. 2 weeks cannot go by fast enough. Here is a brief visual aid for those who hate reading and like... uh, seeing:













then.. I pass out, after my first evening as a beligerent, retarded crunk. No more drugs + alcohol at once.. no sir! After I die, the other two kiddos arrive, Glen and Brighton. File Photo:



and yeah.. a lovely game of I Never was played while I lay dead on the couch, and.. yeah. Brighton draws what she believes to be a penis on my cheek, which in actuality, was a chili pepper gone retarded. Better luck next time, baby

For those there.. I have alot of pics I didn't post. Bad, incriminating ones. If you want em.. ask :)

Now Playing: Ozma - Game Over

November 22, 2004 will go down in infamy

*Bombed psych 11 midterm.. with only one person [Ismael] finishing: -
*Hanging out with Misty and her bf Brandon.. making intense social progress: +++

and.. the day is half over. You best hope it goes well.

- 12.47pm

*Lunch with Bryan and horrid, horrid Jerry Springer: +
*Jenny talking the insanity out of me before I go ballistic: ++

- 1.55pm

*Met with Blair, found place to watch movie, very little in terms of conversation and light atmosphere..: -------------

- 7.45pm

goddamn this day has to end.

*Blair calls, acts very.. strange, I criticise him, and we plan to finish our papers later tonight: +++++

- 8.43pm

*Blair calls again, deciding to retire from school and sell used cars. I like him :) and apparently, we're still going to meet up to finish these dreaded papers: ++++++

whether or not we do.. I'm not too pissy if we don't. I'm.. collected

- 12.07am

* We end up not working together due to... well.. someone's laziness, heh. But ti bothers me not the way I thought it would. In fact.. it was okay. We finish our essays at 3am, and slowly wither and die. There WILL BE other days, there will. I hate yet.. love life, at 3.43am.

- 3.43am

I guess today wasn't the true ender of my slump. But it actually did alot to help me get there. Thanks you guys :) now I can die~

now.. more musicing

Now Playing: Death Cab for Cutie - We Looked like Giants

Well, tomorrow is make or break time.

Alot rests on tomorrow, for myself. Definitely not healthy to do it, but it HAS to be done.

If I get through tomorrow successfully, then life will be great. The slump will be lifted, fo sho. If I can.. just.. BECOME THIS WITTY CHARMING MACHINE and have it work, then dude, all my other problems will be infinitely easier to deal with.

This coming week will be good. It has to. Seeing old friends back home, all of whom have their own things going on, will be great no matter what. I just hope we're not all too different a people to still reach that level of intimacy that has served us so well, so well.

Wish me luck guys. And I'll wish all the luck for you too. Off into the abyss..

Now Playing: The Velvet Teen - A Captive Audience

the storm is getting more intense around here, as the thunder starts to clap around the city. And here I am at almost 3am.. still thinking about how the hell I can manage to make these next few days the turning points for my bad month. Make or break time woohoo

either I get massively happy and content with my life, or I become angry at my ineptitude to get what I fucking want. ahhhh storm weather

and a new wallpaper to literally, and metaphorically, show just what's going on in my life. This song rocks so hard man, soooo hard.

Now Playing: Jimmy Eat World - Drugs or Me

If only you could see
The stranger next to me

if only you could. :)

Now Playing: Death Cab for Cutie - Lightness

Looking for the patterns of static, they start to make sense..

My sophomore slump has progressed and morphed from a sudden monster to a thick, heavy cloud. I'm no longer sad-depressed, but bitter, angry-depressed. I'm frustrated that I can't get over myself and all the pety, yet oh-so-precious things that anchor my heart down every day for the past month.

There is definitely two kinds of existentialism. One, the dark side.. the ''life is meaningless, all is suffering, nothing lasts'' approach. Someone dropped a bomb on me and made me see life this way again, if only for a little bit. It's this brand of negativity that can really, really bring a guy down.

I need to return to the lighter side of this whole thing. I need to go back to MY existentialism, back to the Nietzsche way. The ''yes, life is meaningless and suffering, so what?? It's BECAUSE of this that you should embrace the nightmare.. and stop taking it so seriously.'' I need to remember that, well, life is too serious to be taken seriously.

Maybe once I get there completely again, I can eventually go back to being the synthetic pessimist who pissed the negs off, for being too pragmatic. I still kind of am.. I know I'll eventually be okay [Hegel].. but I want to be okay NOW because life is pissing me OFF!! [Nietzsche]

I'm not too far from getting out of this rut in my life. At least moreso than I thought before tonight. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY is exempt from falling into the fly-bottle of humanity. Studying animals does not make you less guilty of buying that fur coat. Studying psychology does not make you exempt from your flaws and mistakes. And knowledging my issues means absolutely jack if I don't turn around and take them for what they're worth.

Now Playing: Death Cab for Cutie - All is Full of Love

You'll be given love
You'll be taken care of
You'll be given love
You have to trust it

Maybe not from the sources
you have poured yours
Maybe not from the directions
you are staring at

Twist your head around
It's all around you
All is full of love..
All around you

All is full of love
(you just aint receiving)
All is full of love
(your phone is off the hook)
All is full of love
(your doors are all shut)
All is full of love!

All is full of love
All is full of love
All is full of love
All is full of love
All is full of love

People who cover Bjork are coooool. This version is just.. better

Now Playing: Muse - Apocalypse, Please

This is the end

Today sucked I hated it I became a DEER CAUGHT IN FRONT OF HEADLIGHTS and goddamn I realized I'm the worst possible thing to ever happen to my ambition to progress.. aside from the krazy bastard whore from last year. But yeah. Not a good day. Pounding headache, racing mind, overworked heart. It's like I'm old, except without.. well, being old.

Yes. It's definitely my time of the year to be selfish, retarded and out of sync with my surroundings. Reality bites when you KNOW it bites, and yet it doesn't stop being as such. Well.. blogging the problems out sure isn't gonna help me now

Dangerous times.

We are reminiscing
We are .. rewinding
replaying, stop, <<
and it's going to end whatever chances we have, of walking forward with a steady foot
Are we always going to hold on to the good and the bad and make it DICTATE THE WAY WE LIVE FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES?
We can't..
picking fights between the before and the now.. excludes the would and could-be's out of life's equation.

I hate when this happens. We're only poisoning ourselves with this. Let it go let it GO it has to stay behind us, it really does. It's just you in this fight..

theeseXayone: so i fucking blew it
theeseXayone: i fucking suck
theeseXayone: and i cannot make the friends i wanna make
NerdoNeat: what did you say?

theeseXayone: nothing of significance or interest, at all
NerdoNeat: (i do the same thing, btw)
theeseXayone: really???
NerdoNeat: yes
NerdoNeat: of course
NerdoNeat: everyone does
NerdoNeat: they get butterflies around people they think are really cool
NerdoNeat: b/c we seem them and want to be like them, but we say oh they're so cool, too bad i'm not like that and then we get a negative self image

theeseXayone: yeah, and boy did my self esteem shoot down a thousand points today.
theeseXayone: =[
theeseXayone: i really fucking hate this situation
theeseXayone: i dont exude confidence anymore
theeseXayone: im this little puppy dog begging for some sort of attention and approval
theeseXayone: and i can acknowledge that.. yet cannot correct it
theeseXayone: and i replied
NerdoNeat: ooo

theeseXayone: im not interesting enough :*[
NerdoNeat: huh
NerdoNeat: you are
theeseXayone: i think im duller than stale bread
NerdoNeat: it's just hard to be intrigueing and not boastful, informative, not a braggart

I think I'm entering the angry phase of this situation.. watch out

Now Playing: I actually don't know right now

11.50 pm. 6 minutes? ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh that was good. =) Moments like these, you must always, always, always.. remember. Lke there can't be words to express the feeling of ''wow.. youre an idiot who overhtinks shit that could be really simple'' and ''dude.. that was great. Maybe life isn't as retarded.'' Currently, in this life of the Sims, my little diamond above my head is phasing between red and green. bah. *sighh

And roel, die plz

Now Playing: Death Cab for Cutie - Expo '86

Hamlet disorder. Goddamnit. God motherfucking damnit.

Weekend was good. Did no work whatsoever. I got to see my family and Priscilla, so those are +'s. Still recovering [STILL] from Christina's party.. -. Dinner and sociality with Ashley and Izzy.. +. Going insane and forgetting to call Blair to get the history notes.. huge -. You know you have a deep rooted dilemma when you think and think and PONDER and are just about to ACT yet there you remain..

still thinking

Now Playing: Death Cab for Cutie - The New Year

what a rush.

You know, yesterday was good. Not what I expected at all but definitely good. x] Yeah so, getting to know and hang out with all my newfound STAFF friends has started off with a bang. I keep telling myself that new people in my life will help me get out of this sophomore slump, and it's working alright.. oh yes

but I didnt expect to lose it like I did yesterday. What a blasted impression I leave for everyone right? Luis, the now-former heavyweight drinker who can't for the love of life remember how he got home.

Looks like when it comes to drinking [and smoking, heh], I'm going to take a leave of absence for a while. Today I have felt like this slow, drab of a person and I really can't afford to get all fucked up on a regular basis. This is no way to live college life, yo.

Anyway, it was all good for what I can remember. Awesome party Christina!! Soooo sorry about the whole... well, pestering thing. It'll never ever happen again EVER!! arr

I decided I would hike up to the C one of these days. Not by myself.. haha so hey! Anyone interested in a morning hike, gimme a ring or IM or soooomething. Izzy and I traveled through the unexplored areas of the Botanical Gardens today, and it really helped me feela little better. Getting the blood flowing is much better for a hangover than uh, watching Degrassi like a fat bastard.

Damnit.. where does ANYONE go from here? Metaphorically speaking. All this new stuff in my head sure isn't fun to figure out I'm not supposed to look to the past for any kind of reference. Whatever.. I guess this makes things that much more interesting. Bare with my guys.. I really, really don't know where I'm headed in life right now. Join me for the ride down the abyss?

AND ABSYNTHE IS EVIL, YOU BASTARDS

Now Playing: Weezer - I Just Threw Out The Love Of My Dreams

been busy, relatively speaking. I'm trying REALLY hard to keep busy!!! Trying to get out of this sophomore slump really takes effort, and such.

Done:

* Hired as a volunteer for ASPB
* Became an ally for LGBT
* Applied for work ... everywhere, hoping to land the RESNET job
* Had Mushy over at UCR.. god I missed seeing you!
* Got an A in two midterms.. what the fuck is going on?!
* thought, written, and thought some more... this is never good

Want to do:

* Hang out with Blair
* Get hired NOW NOW NOW
* meet more lovely people
* destroy >;O
* be witty, charming, and utterly sexy

Will be doing for sure:

* Party tomorrowwwww hahahaha. IT WILL BE AMAZING
* Nothing on thursday, at all
* Seeing Mina friday, I hope
* Set up appointments with BOTH Susan Ortega and Alfredo Figueroa. Oh yeah.. I will be so much more powerful and better than you
* Getting to know more staffies!

What I never wanna see/hear again:

* Mexi-emo
* Double Brown
* which immediately leads to NO BRYAN hahaha
* naked drunks
* "you look azn when youre high"

Sigh:

* I really, really wanna just.. be with you forever

ok enough. bye fellas. Oh and Matt Young.. wtf? Where the hell are you? I swear, this year is already taking me everywhere, and absolutely nowhere.

Now Playing: that my tongue has tied off

so I had the GREATEST time haha with my friendsssss and MICHELLE PHAN came to UCR to visit ... me. me me me ememememe. Like, I'd say what we did at Meghanns, but I kinda can';t right now. Damnit another drunk post. aigh

ANyway yea. Tiome for bed. I LOV U MEGHANN

Now Playing: The Velvet Teen - The Prize Fighter

Things will pick up steam as they did yesterday, I swear it. Things to come in the super soon future:

Death Cab for Cutie concert TOMORROW, you jealous fucks
Party somewhere Friday, with MICHELLE PHAN and my buddys up in teh UCR
Maybe sleep saturday.. I dunno
and I really wanna throw in Blair/Habib/Joey/Izzy/the girls in there somewhere too ^_^

ahhh. Bought TWO Velvet Teen albums today. I am so sexay and dumb, lol

Once I get out of a situation.. someone else falls into one. Sorry there tush. Hell, I'm not even out of mine. Misery loves company, so come over already! You too Rach, stay strong. And nic.. you r0x0r me bad

k bye

Now Playing: le Jimmy Comer Mundo

I hate election day. Goddamn Ohio DO NOT FALL do not fall I hate hate hate hate the midwest and FLORIDA *&^#$

Today was infinitely better than the past two and a half weeks! :) I so fucking applied myself. And one day I'll be where I want, with whom I want to be there with.. hopefully. Jenny you'd be so proud! So proud. I need to tell youuu x]

Oh, and Blair is a republican. *silence* That's like, the 4th Republican friend I have. This cannot be a trend.. no no no no. hahaha. It's going to be people like him and Lydia that change my mind about all republicans being.. well...

evil

Now Playing: yum velvet teen yum

Times like these, you know you'll be alright. You will. Especially when you have friends across the state, willing to talk to you at 1.30am.

It's true. I have impeded my own progress, in some aspects. Mellow out relax leave the past behind and ... expect the worst, hope for the best. Goddamn, easier said than done. But it CAN BE DONE! It can it can. What will our hero get into this time? Stay tuned, coming soon to a blog near you

Thank you so much Jenny. Sprint 4 lyfe, G