I'mm slowly starting to get some alone time.. it's always good. What do I do? Listen to music and stare at the ceiling. In fact.. it's what I'm doing right now. I think I miss more than I'm willing to admit. O well. :-)

I'm lovin' every new day of college more and more. :-) Minus the whole walking everywhere thing. hehehe

My family came today. To be honest, I hadn't felt truly homesick at all until I saw the again. So much I'm away from dude.. it feels very weird now. They brought me goodies. I love them SO much, and you bet your ass I'mma be home every other weekend. Seeing them walk away when they were leaving was very powerful for me.. I guess it's true. Nothing's ever really the same, even from day to day.. and instead of trying to hold onto everything so desperately, we should learn to let it all go.

I feel so peaceful, right now. I think I'm gonna go toke with my buddy Charlie. ;-) late

Like I've said before...

I went to a lecture by Mark Salzman for my political science class. He's the author to my favorite book, Lost in Place: Growing up Absurd in Suburbia. Such a core book. Anyway, that man amazed me during our small group discussion, and then in the big lecture... I just saw like an older version of myself in that guy. Great on memory, loves to make sense out of life.. always trying different things to see what TRULY fits.. oh man. Such a shame he couldn't autograph my book. What a fucking great way to kick off the year... by meeting the author of your favorite book.

I felt like Mr. Linn watching Rorty.

College is awesome. I have a lot of good new friends... I'm having the time of my life, and really, I wish I could say I miss certain folk... but right now I feel like burying the past for a while. hehe :-)

So I don't feel like writing in my own blog just cuz I write in it alot and I haven't written in yours in a long time! But now you're in Riverside hopefully having the time of your life during welcome week so you don't have time anymore! Anyway, classes have finally started for me. ENJOY WELCOME WEEK AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE!!!!!! I miss ya, say hi to everyone for me since I'm all alone at SB ... except Janet Shekmeister who I saw randomly today at the ATM machine ...

Went walking out with Enza. at 3am ahaahaha. I realized a lot about her through it. I realized a LOT of myself as well. Our storied relationships really helped me put everything into perspective. I can't erase the past, and will never be able to. I need to apply that hardcore. I can't erase me and Peter's past relationship, I just gotta live with what I have now. In a way, keeping our history with me has developed me into who I am everyday now. Everyone...is an experience, and he is one of those milestone ones, which has made me into ME, and I can only have gratitude for that. I may hate how we ended up, but that's the past. Leave it as it is, because nothing, NOTHING, can negate the past.

Thankx tho Enza. There was one person before you, that I said I'd never give up on... but that's the past. Now, with you... I almost feel ready to say that about somebody again. I occasionally need the deep, moving, hardcore conversation... I'm glad it was with you. Let's walk again lata. good nite [er..morning].

I have so much to say but nothing spills...

I've been enjoying the past few days. Just a select group of people to hang out with.. it makes me super happy. I gotta thank you Enza! We stick through it all together. I've been given a lot to digest in a day and I don't feel too good about letting it alll out yet... I need me a journal again. a real one.

In these past few days I hae really come to realize that I miss a lot of things. I miss my family. I miss my homies that are off studying somewhere else. I miss the simplicities of life.

The best way to blog, lj, etc is to forget that most ANYone can access it and read it. heh

That said, today Enza was chatting with Meg. Oh.. I miss her so. Like.. I really do. Man, two years.. why didn't we tell one another how we felt before the goddamn prom? Some things in life you can't help but regret. I just missed being with her today.

I don't miss the harassment I usually get, cuz I'm still getting it all the way here at UCR. Having Peter live right below Tim and Art has already given me shit. Ricky Oh too. Man... LEAVE ME ALONE you closed minded fucks... it's just pathetic to see that you idiots go to your churches and feel so above people, yet you go online and call people fags. Hypocrites. I hate em

Times like this I feel bad for my friends, because they get to see me in a bitter bad mood. I'm sorry, guys. =[ I wish I could be more interesting, more open, more willing to delve into these issues like I used to... but I'm not, and I can't, and I can only try to forget all this stupid shit and keep on enjoying myself and the GOOD people I encounter. This entry really de-emphasized all the good that has been going on over here, and I apologize. I don't usually get this pissy and negative. later

girly motif: what are they ... still stuck in high school
girly motif: how stupid
theeseXayone: yeah yeah
theeseXayone: and i KNOW
theeseXayone: i shouldnt let this shit bother me anyjmore
theeseXayone: but man... it just aggravates me
girly motif: so don't
theeseXayone: i wanted to FORGET EVERYTHING
girly motif: tell them to cut off their dick and suck it

Man it took FOREVER to get ethernet here. Ugh... well, more like a day :]. College is exciting, it's refreshing, it's very tiring, staying up til 4am last nite...but this is a change we all needed. I miss my family so much. My little Rebel ugly stinky. I miss my friends across the nation too... I just wanna let you all know that I love you, I miss you, and I'm definitely thinking of you guys when I have time to myself. I have a very VERY good set of friends here with me,so this transition isn't going to be as difficult as I thought. Peter did see me today though... eh, I guess you can't escape everything from the past, right? Things will definitely get interesting around here and soon. I'm going to the valley Oct 3rd, so mark your calenders! And enjoy yourselves... this is a new chapter of our lives. late

Daisyf518: HEY YOU!!
Daisyf518: SAFE JOURNEY!!!!!!
theeseXayone: ARIEL!!!!!!!!!!
theeseXayone: MY LOVE!
Daisyf518: LUIS!!
Daisyf518: My DARLING!

haha... 10.30pm, and here we are saying goodbye... I'll be fine, yo. I have everything I need in life... you'll be there with me wherever I go, right? :-) Alright... I'm gone ferrealz now. <3

Dude, what a crazy couple of days. Wednesday was day out with Glen for the most part, doing terrible deeds of mischief. Slackers came to pick us up after we woke up and we went to UCLA, to visit Jose. Man, I hope you feel better soon. haha we sooo raided Glen's store, it was good times. Plans to go to the beach were halted as Roel.. became Dictator Bonayon, and Glen and I stayed at his place, ate dinner, etc. What a fun day. I guess that was the last day I spend with them for a while. =[

Thursday [yesterday] I was out literally ALL day, after packing in the morning. I got my laptop right after I went for a walk. Compaq Presario 2570 is the SHIT! hahaha man. I got home around 10 or so, and spent the night trying to configure it. I still have a litle problem trying to type on this thing without feeling weirdor fucking my spelling up, but eh. So I checked if I got any messages on the fone and went to bed. I guess this is the last entry you'll get from me before I'm at UCR, so I'll leave with this.

Today, I'm leaving behind everything. Leaving behind the bullshit drama that was high skool. Leaving behind those fools who made it a hobby to criticize my every move. Leaving behind old grudges, old friendships. Most importantly, I'm leaving behind my family, and THAT is something I don't feel ready for. Yeah, I'll keep in touch with a select few of my friends, those that never let me go. But it's time for me to leave. I hope you all leave, too and stop trying to hold onto something that just isn't worth it anymore. later

Said my goodbye to Jenny today. Ugh.. I'm gonna miss you alot Flem :-(. Thank you for the yearbook entry. I'll edit this with pics and details tomorrow, I need to go. Laptop, beach and packing tomorrow! woo-freakin-hoo... except for the packing.

Friedman and I made peace. good times. I added ya to my links, homie.

There's something about making peace that just... <3333 makes you feel blessed. I've been thinking alot lately, about forgiveness, etc. I used to tell Matt how too-forgiving I was to everyone about everything. It's pretty true... shit just slid down my back. This one time in Metco, I got put in the circle, and I got broken into small pieces.. what came out was that I'm too forgiving, in order to avoid excess conflicts. It's weird! Two years ago, when I got angry, I'd get violent.. and fast. Now, I just push myself away. It's hard to be under attack, my friends. Recently, I felt like when I got mad, I was too UN-forgiving... something I used to give Matt crap for. :-) It wasn't that long ago that I told myself I'd never forgive some people for all the shit they had done to me... but I just don't feel like holding that kind of grudge anymore. When people just constantly hurl crap at me now... all the testing of my will isn't going to make me stand around anymore. That's like self-infliction of pain, man.

It was the constant berating and anger that came from close friends of the past that I just let go on, and on, and on... and I was constantly just tired. They all ended with them pushing me away, ironic because it was still the last thing I wanted to happen. Looks like it might happen again... in vain, or something. :-(. Very few of my friends have been able to stand the test of egos and time. Even those I love the most went through some sort of shit. Case in point... Nicole and I have known eahc other for 7 years... and we've only become close in the last 2. heh... I can't deal with anyone's anger at me all the time. It's made me get very irritable and unhealthy.. so I'm gonna mind my own business, work with what I get, and just remember the good times... what else can you really do? Lie in order to make things okay? That's not something to base ANY kind of friendship on. I miss you already

Man after the past few hours, I still feel super duper... sleepy. Twas Michelle's going-away party, and man. It was an amazing time. For starters, because it was so refreshing - I hadn't seen 90% of these friends since like, June. Changes of pace really make you feel renewed. But anyway enough about the mental stuff, we just had a freakin good time! Those involved, at various times of the nite:

Michelle, Mylene, Mark, Friedman, Jon, Me, Alison, Gillian, Tori, Jason, Robert, Arthur, Arielle, Debbye, Lauren, uh... various people.. I'll remember. Oh yeah, the mass that is Mush's co-counselors, and 3 guys we randomly found that go to UC Davis? o_O yeah.

It started with the De La Hoya fight [haha... what a bad loser]. Eventually hell just breaks loose, and people begin playing pesoy, and taking pics, and most importantly. TAKING SHOTS! hahaha. I'm a terrible person. I kinda forgot what I had, but it was funky and I was tipsy in no time. There was a bit of everything going on. Highlights:

* Mass core-gy on Michelle's floor
* Falling asleep with Gillie while she played with my fuzzy hair
* Watching Michelle throw up... hehe
* Taking a nasty shot with Robert, to which we both just started dying
* Not sleeping until forever o'clock.. as we took Mish to bed, went outside, talked about vagina-phobia... man.

I don't have the energy to really go into detail anymore, there was TOO MUCH!, but I will say this: It was one of the most relaxing times I've had in a very, very long time. Maybe it was the alcohol, I don't know... but being with a re-united crop of friends, not worrying about a FUCKING THING, and just sharing these kind of moments together really... just made me really happy. Last time I felt so refreshed and geniunely accepted and CONTENT was when I was with my Nicole this week. <3

Usually, I'm always preoccupied with this, or that, or concerned with [frankly] what my peers think, and what's best for them. Well fuck that... it's time to bask in my own joys and be happy with myself. The talks we had last nite, the grope fests we shared between all... 7 of us, just the FUN of it all, it's an indescribable high I got from it. Oh and no... I didn't actually get high. I sure got felt around by like... I don't even know. Gene the Davis stoner? 0_0'

We took plenty of pictures my friends. Plenty of incriminating evidence that will prohibit all of us from doing anything successful in life. Just ask and I'll show ya. Check the blog soon... I'll add some. Michelle! I was the last dude to see you before you left... I hope everything goes well. Who cares what others say... we're homies and you know I'll be there when you need help. Like when I took you to bed since you felt like crap. :-) Good times roll on... I need to leave this place, for a very long time.

Alright... today was a highlight from this summer. I went bowling with Nicole and Jacob today. Tim Hsu flaked [but more on that later]. Nic is one of my BEST friends ever so it was great just to see her. We talked alot of trash and got down 'n dirty on the Canoga Bowl lanes.

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|

After several games... Jacob beat us both. Him and his scary huge thumb. -_- Nic and I traded places for 2nd place, but of course... this isn't enough. >:O We went to In n Out afterwards, and we'll be doin somethin again soon. As for Timothy...

SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: you are not sexay luis

Auto response from theeseXayone: #@^%$&. leave a msg. Disjointed Heart

SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: you are not sexay luis
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: you are not sexay luis
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: you are not sexay luis
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: you are not sexay luis
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: you are not sexay luis
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: you are not sexay luis
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42 signed off at 3:59:59 PM.
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42 signed on at 4:10:58 PM.
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: luis... you are so not sexy... you are fat... ugly... and you smell!
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: luis... you are so not sexy... you are fat... ugly... and you smell!
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: luis... you are so not sexy... you are fat... ugly... and you smell!
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: luis... you are so not sexy... you are fat... ugly... and you smell!
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: luis... you are so not sexy... you are fat... ugly... and you smell!

flake. Anyway, one week left, with a ridiculous amount of things to do. Time's just laughing at us now. lata

Damn.. parents love killing my plans. Sorry Enza -_-'. Since I'll be home for another while, I might as well purge whatever else frustrates me at the moment.

My family's financial problems never seem to stabilize. It's really starting to eat away at my everyday life; I can't sleep, I can't enjoy time out, and I can't mellow out anymore, knowing that we're heading into yet another damn spiral. Yeah, the fall 03 quarter is pretty much paid for, whoopie. It took a lot of LUCK and EFFORT to pull together the 1st quarter's bill. But what about the next quarter? Luck was luck, and it's gone. We barely get by, on anything. I feel like utter shit spending money everytime I go out with my friends - and if I don't spend anything, I only get made fun of [besides, that's all anyone does with friends]. I'm worried.

I'm worried that I'm heading into this 'prestigious' UC system, and won't even make it past the first half year. Its THAT serious. Yeah I know what you people automatically think of, what about financial aid? scholarships? why don't you to go a CC? blah blah blah guys. I've thought about all of those, alright? I can't get aid, it's as simple as that. at all. I could go to a CC sure... but what guarantees any chance of getting back into a skool as big as a UC? My future never seems to be certain, heh... in any way, and this is no different. I'm gonna start breaking out, and getting pissy more often, I'll end up looking like ... nevermind. Get me OUT OF HERE NOW

TIM HSU - Wednesday, at 12. sucker. Nic wants it so, and I'm looking forward to it. But omg... if you're terribly sarcastic [which you get a kick out of], I'll kill you. Then beat you at bowling. I have somethin for ya too. Now..

Nicole, I hate you... here I posted this just before you accussed me of not letting go! >:0 whateva. I'd do anything for you, at anytime, forever and ever. And I'm not even your boyfriend. After 7+ years my friend... you're the closest thing I have in this world that I can still see. :-) I know I tell you that I lub yoo [ugh], but I really do. Even if you hated me, I think. So onto wut I posted earlier..

[ 11.30pm] Alright... some people aren't worth my time to even type about em. Anger over the meaningless. Moving on

Everything... is an experience. Every moment, every passing moment... is a chance to learn and grow. I think too many people are concerned with theyir pety fucking concerns to sit back and just bask in the experiences life gives us the honor of having. Just don't go to the other extreme either... action will always be superior to retrospection. Everything is an experience. Peter was an experience. Tim-Mr.Terrible-Sarcasm-Psychology Hsu is an experience. Eating too much food with Enza and getting totally fat, is an experience. Getting the tar beat out of me is a [painful] experience. I think we all need to get over 'what' has happened and try to see what we've learned out of everything. Yeah whatever.. I may do it more then most people, but it helps out things into perspective much easier than NOT doing crap.

I wish I had something better to say... but whatever. I want to say what words can't illustrate. I HATE that! I hate stuff.

I shouldn't be allowed near a computer when I'm fucking pissed off... I really shouldn't.

Man... I ran to get my haircut all seXay, I bought new PANTS!~ but alas... don't worry. It'll happen soon. Perpetually disappointed? eh.. I sure hope you're not. Nicole, you're buying me food. :-)

I keep wanting to write something more meaningful. I guess I'm never satisfied.

Maybe I'll get to what I want to say when it comes to me... and I'm near the computer. Just biding my time now homies... how the fuck is my livejournal more asian than my xanga? Brighton? you dork. I miss you too.

SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: look ahead!
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: see the big picture!
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: yea i was never realyl good at that
theeseXayone: yea dont worry
theeseXayone: neither am i.
theeseXayone: but it sounds good, huh?
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: always
SoNiCbLaStOiSe42: always.

But I'm still havin fun without ya here. As you can tell. =9 Life is only as eventful as you make it out to be for yourself. Never a dull moment around here anymore... whoda thought? Also, in 2 weeks... I may even WANT dullness. Too much change too fast... was never something I was good at. lata