9/03/2002

It was such a vivid dream, I woke up kinda spooked, cuz sumetimes dreams feel real, but this one didn't, it felt like, surreal, like somehting that should happen, but won't. Yes, I'm as confused as you, heh.

I mean, if this is God's way of irritating me to no end, he's succeeded, cuz you know, having such weird recurring dreams, and maybe talking about em, makes me seem obsessed ya know? I didn't ask for this...I didn't at all

It was just me...sitting in this dimly lit white room. You could hear the emptiness of the place as not even the air made noise to keep me company. There was nothing but beautiful decor of white rubber surrounding me. It looked like one of those crazy ppl houses where uh, crazy ppl are sent to, like Peter An's house... xP

But I wasn't actually alone was I. You were there, unfortunately. It's just like me to be stuck in a stupid circumstance with you too, even though we both don't seem to like it. No middle ground, aye, we can both say THAT again. It was odd, it felt like my uncle's old empty room in Palmdale. Such a huge house, such an empty feeling, but you were stuck sitting next to me, because things like this just never go away, do they? heh.

Maybe it was inevitable, or maybe I dreamed it cuz somewhere inside, I just wanna get out of this mess. Why we were bound by streight jackets, I dunno. Maybe to compliment the crazyhouse mantra of the place. Maybe it was a crazyhouse, we're both some phucked up people you know that? Even good ol Anna Kim thinks so, confused up the yase as she says. But why did we have to be sitting on the floor face to face like that? Is it because it's the only way we ever have any contact? Or had any without casuing shit to epxlode...

My good ol' N64 was in a corner of that huge room, on a glass panel. Both my controllers were connected, but put at as big a distance as possible from each other. Such poetry that is aint it..connected somehow, but kept far apart. For them tho, it isn't a big deal. Nor for you I bet, but it's freaky to me. Like why is it everything had to be so fucking full of friction, yes I will blame some of it on you, why did it have to happen like this? My jacket got tighter, I wanted to get out of there. You don't just not talk to someone for several months and end up the next moment locked in some padded cell with noone else around but you.

You didn't seem happy either, hell, more displeased than me. But why? It's not like you haven't had your time alone to think about everything. You've had all this time to re-organize yourself, get over it like I've tried to, why was your face so fucking unhappy huh? Did you realize what everybody else has, that you're a mess inside? That you need to stop acknowledging it and start fixing it? Why wouldn't you just lift your head and acknowledge that I was stuck in there too, albeit against my wishes? I EXIST

Look at yourself man, but don't just look at sigh, you do that so much, you can't even write dilligently anymore. Maybe you wouldn't look up because you DID see it, finally.

Nice for the sake of being nice, all too known to me dude. But where does that get you? You help people out, you helped me be so much more of a person, but how, why? You know what you do, what you did, what you still do? Put people on dude. I mean here you are, willing to help, yeah great, super. But why can't you do that outside? Outside isn't the place to talk? To get to know, to SEE how people respond? How can anything ever replace things done in person man. I think that's what I asked from you and others have too, believe me, but you shut down. Are you afraid? Why even bother helping somebody if you can't be there to be friends with, outside the fucking walls and confinement of the computer.

Granted you know, I did push the limits, but you know what, you shoulda known I would. You taught me everything I know! I just added my own attitude about it. Can't help that I wanted to be friends outside the damn net can I. Can I? Who couldn't when someone helped out so much, wouldn't you ask for something so simple, so valuable if you thought it meant something?

How hypocritical it almost seems, I mean ugh... such encouragement to everybody, you DON'T expect them to wanna keep you aruond as a constant friend? I mean look at your words, you not only help someone, you push em on, tell them it'll all be ok, but is it really? You decide to hide in your shell and then say outside isn't the place to talk. Makes everybody wonder, just what DO you talk about outside then with everyone else? Once you help somebody you have to drop it and move on, fuffill yourself with some sort of good deed feeling? More like dumping them off after you feel you've done your job, you can't do that. :(

Yet you're always alone so you say, always confined, why don't you take advantage that there are people out there who wanna hang around, why close yourself off, cut everyone off atthe tips. Close but not yet, how the hell can you cut someone off after saying somehting like that?

Maybe you just didn't wanna be there, heh.

You started saying, that you always listen. Hey that's great I said, but why don't you respond willingly too? Isn't that what you told me to do in the first place?

I know you're confused ans hurting inside, BUT WHY THE HEL DO YOU DO THIS TO PEOPLE? DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR EVERYONE, ESPECIALLY ME, STUCK IN THIS FUCKING ROOM WITH YOU? WHY CAN'T YOU JUST TALK LIKE U USED TO...AND MAKE EEVERYTHING OKAY LIKE IT SEEMED TO BE.

I said I was sorry and hell I've left you alone. But damn man, when things like this happen, when I get a fucking DREAM where I get stuck next to you, hearing you mumble, I get sick of it, I want this to pass already.

But I think only you can do that for everybody's sake. Just march forward man. :(

Then people have the oddasity to open up the room. They seem e trying to rip the fucking wall out of place, and you? You just sit there, almost mindless. Poeple think I'm going krazy, I AM NOT GOING KRAZY. Why can't people just understand where I come from huh? Why does it always have to be so one sided, make me seem like some sort of jilted person.

UNDERSTAND...I did, but does anyone else? *sigh

The dream was the scariest dream I've ever had to think about.

And here comes skool, to remind me of it everyday.

Fuckin A

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