Can one truly .... ugh .... I don't know what to say anymore, I feel like a broken record.

Maybe I don't have anything to say because I have to regress into the state of mind where I said nothing, for the sake of others. Of course that's the case, who'm I kidding. Problem is, people don't get anything from nothing, or do they? We always hear and see and sense and feel things when you have it before you, not kept away. I think it was best said earlier, one can only go yb what one sees and hears. Heh, one more agreeance, blehhhhhh...

Issue being right now, just added confusion. One thing for me is to help others, I guess you can say it's what I live for, because my crap isn't helping itself and I pretty much can't do anything anymore, only someone else can. Can you help someone, someone you see in front of you, someone you pain over ... if you keep it all shut? It was a mere request, not the only one but the most important and difficult. But the most necessary, which makes it h3ll to keep your head straight. One goes and does by what he sees, but he doesn't wanna see $hi7 maybe maybe not? I really don't know anymore. I'm there goddamnit, there. We all like to think we are; to help others because it helps us feel what we can't feel alone. But some people just work on their own schedules, and for me, that means sitting here, doing SHIT, just waiting ... listening to Reminiscence by Yasunori Mitsuda. -_-;;

I don't know if these two weeks will be the end of it, there never is a clear cut finish to anything unless it's stated. But who can state it when they know themselves well enough, to know they aren't the approaching kind? Talk about putting someone in a bind, putting PEOPLE in a bind. The bind I have hurts the most, but hey, I'm tryin' to keep it away. With that comes my vague words and expressions, my lack of speech everywhere ... my lack of heart and motivation. Anxiety; from school? Not the academics, nope. Heh, if this was self analysis, it would be the exact same thing.

This is me, important to ME, I NEED it, and you know nobody else may give half a fuck, but that just makes it all the harder for me to communicate myself. Isn't that what you need? No wait, you told ME to stop it. Lord lord lord, these trials and tribulations I have walked into are mighty new and downright scary. Is it really reaping what I sow, a punishment, if it was YOU who told me to freakin' sow this patch! I need a sign ... no, not from you this time.

Odang ... I really can't go through this cycle of invisibility and silence again can I =[, where's my white flag, I just might break down. *sigh* Just look at me, I make sense only to me, I'm a vague and deprived soul duuuuude .... deprived from .... forget it.

Back to sleep.

I force myself through another day
Can't explain the way today just fell apart like everything
Right in my face
And I try to be the one
I can't accept this all because of you
I've had to walk away
From everything

(Chorus)
I'm afraid to be alone
Afraid you'll leave me when I'm gone
I'm afraid to come back home

Another sleepless night again
Hotel rooms my only friend
And friends like that just don't add up
To anything
And I try so hard to be everything
That I should never take away from you again
Cause I heard ya say

(Chorus)

I cannot forget
I live with regret
I cannot forget
I live with...
I'll live through this
I can't see through this
I can't do this anymore

(Chorus)

Afraid you'll leave me when I'm gone
I just wish I was back home
Home.

I'll edit this later with my mush. I love Home by Staind, I love them ... it isn't called Alone, but it sounds much better if it did. *sigh*

i'm so devious.

do i really manipulate people so much that they don't even expect me to care for them? i'm a spritual/emotional/physical(massage) "physician". it's like holistic healing. but i'm still disconnected. how does it all work out? am i even content with what i have here? we'll see, i think i should be, but i need not be. if i don't feel anything for people, which i do, tremendously, i'm only deluding them into believe i've helped them, then leave them for another new "project". its not nice, at all. it isn't, it'd boorish, it's so crude. the trust i give to others isn't the same degree, despite the fact that the issues are the same.


how does that happen?

*sigh* You're too good at this self knowing stuff. Maybe that's what I saw in you that I used to have. Damnit. I'm going to edit this later. mannnnnnnn I don't like this old road I'm in. Just for thou though, this is alll for me and for thoooouuuuuuu. Now, Before Zodin yells at me, no.

Read the last entry I made, the longer one, READ IT OVER AND OVERRRRRRRR, and than go sulk to My December just like me. I may not use blogs for personal shit but I actually used it for so in the last few entries, READ~! and no Zodin, this isn't a cry for attention, go suck on a Hulk Hogan iceycle ;-). Ugh.... I need Peter, where is he....ARGH

read it.

Too unstable to sleep.

Tommorow will be something very important. Heh, with everything coming back, it'll be at LEAST very interesting to see how shit unfolds. You're back, and I'm feeling . . . different, and everyone is on my case about a lot. Kraziness... I was always on a certain level 'independent', but I really truly think all it was, since we've had long discussions about it, a case of miscommunicated signals. It wasn't a matter of letting go, at least not in the context you may think.

I really don't wanna repeat old stuff so go read my feelings on how and why such and such happened. In this case I'll just clear up oooone lil thingy. I guess with others like say my other guy friends, there was always something that kept me head on straight, like a 'don't worry, stop worrying, I care now lemme show you damnit =X' type thing. I don't wanna use this word but I will, there was :-/ assurance? Blah, I didn't mean to use that. Maybe the fact that with most of them I have classes besides core where we can talk like everyone else does, and interact moreso without a care, maybe that's where that assurance came from. Maybe they're just more used to this kinda stuff, which makes it easier for me eh?

But neph.... didn't get that everywhere. Hell I got it from sooj and i don't even know her =[. In trying to find that 'assurance' and sense of yay happy stuff to diminish my ill will, I searched and fought to find it. Sadly, past experiences have left me with this huge flaw regarding my approcach, my demanor, I'm one huge fuckin' forcful person, and if you couple that with what I was trying to see, well . . . disaster looms. But hey, I've cut that out for the most part. Honestly! =[

But that is past, and well at least for now, I know that something is working on the inside. At least for me. This huge insanity pull I made, it got to that true paranoia and uncomfort level, which really sucks, should'nt be that way. It isnt with them. Never will be either. But it is here, and here; this all matters the most, for reason that again.... LJ has repeated =P. So I have to learn to reap what I sow. Which I am dude, I am. Sure it sucks and I hate it, but it's all for j00 and all for the better, at least it's what everyone tells me.

However, this is a learning deal. So we both gotta recognize what up and such. Oh, and Zodin, never EVER send me another link through aim AGAIN. Much <3 and \m/, I feel tired now. No, I won't sleep, I feel tired. My mind is on shut down, and so0o0o is my blogger for tonight. Peace


How dumb are you?

Where to start ... where to finish? I guess first thing would be exactly where my mind is right now, yeh =T. I had a very long discussion with a gooood friend of mine, she is thaBEST, heh. After a few days of a VERY intimidating situation (me being a sexist male, fah), we finally let the steam settle and blow away and we sat down for well over 30 minutes and talked from both sides of our story. It tore me up really, as good as it was. Just the notion of what I actually DO to people makes me feel like such a cold hearted soul, so bad ... could I really cause so much harm to those I hold closest to me?

Apparently I could and I needed to hear it in a more layed out way other than being punched and cussed at. =[ I'm glad things were settled but damn ... I have ALOT of self examination to do, moreso than I've already done. Days can be dull and they can be interesting, sadly for me, they're the worst cases of both. Damn, I hope ... no, I wonder ... how tommorow will be, since well, it's back to before, with certain things coming back all at once in front of me. bleh.. I think that as one month is left for school, I have to step up into high gear ... what do I want to do with myself? What do I want to do with my friends? I'm not spending the summer alone, that's one sure thing.

Well...I hope it's a sure thing. Bah, I'm learning here, as much as I hate it ... time time time, time is the key ...fucking time.

I'll get to the good stuff eventually =P, I just wanna say, that after looking through Jon's blog, I officially feel inadequate. Suits me eh? Blah.

In Fact, so inadequate, I'm putting up all the great blogs from all my friends who possess one, just to feel even stupider... where do they get such great thoughts from? Errrr..

upon further inspection ... I need to tell them how inadqeuate I feel before throwing a spiel about it. =X. It's just so funny ... here I have people in my life (most of them, heh) and I'm still working on myself in order to handle how I feel towards em ... I'm so fucking disfunctional. I was watching Chasing Amy, and I realized ... Alysaa in the movie is so fucking strong and has so much self worth for herself, that she leaves the man she loves because of how much she means to herself. I liked that. bleh...

Today was ... koolio hip hop as someone would say =P. Justine rules!!!!!! Tell her you love her. NOW. I'll edit this later.

edit 1: Feh ... I need to reorganize myself. blehhhhhhhhhhhh

Heyyyyyyy.... I'm gonna use this as a joint place for my journals, for now that is. I dunno, I may use my blogger as a creative utensil to relieve my angst, keep my IP for personal issues. But hey, enough shit, read my latest entry, it's very uh..... very long =T.

5-13-02 ( =T too much; yet, too... self restricting )

Heh...I'm sorry, but, for a solid week I've been in a fight with myself. I Really can't say what was happened in detail, because, not only am I sick of putting it out there so damn much waiting for something solid, but, everyone else is sick of me putting it out there too, makes everything so much more complicated I guess =T...

I guess... blah I really don't know what to say. I guess I'll start with something simple (hah, simple). I think byb now you know I'm pretty much very willing to appeas any needs people have if they truly mean something good inside for me, and so... I'm being put to the test. It's back inside I guess, can't really be anything but vague, to let everything soak in for everyone ya know. I mean it truly does suck, it truly hurts, to have to disband myself from people, after seeing so much...potential, in a building process. But feh you know what? This IS building, it's just the part of building that sucks fucking ass. It's EXACTLY what I predicted heh. Back to a stage of neglect, based on WHATEVER reasons, valid and non valid, and now I've obliged to be emotional, so it hurts worse. Can't say I didn't forsee my utter stupidity and flaws affect how people react. Sucks alot, especially when it follows you everywhere =[. blahhhhhhhhhhhhh

Core today was pretty.... numbing, as is any one of our Core community meetings. Heh, having to sit where I was placed facing where I was facing didn't help my little problems with keeping bottled up for a while if forever. So as the males were placed according to race and such, I was checking it allll out....heh, it was like the begnning to the end, a sort of climax to some mystery and angst that has been kept in the shourdedness of smog for way too long. Today would be the day that starts off the rest of the semester, and you could tell, this gender unit will shred a lot of people's minds and hearts. Just call me the prematture one to that statement :-[. feh. Leaving that room left me sooo fucking cold and strained, almost empty of a gut. Let LJ explain why :-/...

Maybe the whole questioning of how much mixed messages have as effects on people really stomped at my head, and I bet it did at yours too :-/. So funny, the whole point that was made in general was, we ALL get mixed messages, from everyone else, which really fucks up friendships and relationships. I think I've said it enough that I recognize where I have fucked up previously and I'm really willing to just relax for a while. But... it still fucking sucks, so many mixed messages. Oh, Luis, why do you have to be such a guy, be more emotional when you have to deal with personal problems. Fine I said. I've never ever been one to be open and share my feelings, but hey, I can change if it will do everyone, especially in this case myself, better in the long run. For a while sure, being all open and such got some great reviews from people. I felt I had accomplished something truly meaningful and... nice, with some individuals. I felt part of a connection that was made. Heh, the bonds were made sure, but, mixed messages started to pour in, casuing me to derail ONCE AGAIN from grace.

Fucking shit... If I'm not emotional, I get closed off from people for being too 'cold' and in general, I feel bad about keeping shit in so badly. I'm still not really accepted by being that way. Yet, if I AM emotional, I don't get acceptance from my guy friends, which at this point, depending on who you talk to me about it means a whole fucking mess. Being so shut off made me lose out on a lot of potential friendships, and I thought maybe talking about it would help it all. Maybe it did, who knows, nobody has told me. But still, I became emotional, and all it did was scare people off more :'(...fuck, do you know how confusing it is.... If I'm emotional, I lose whatever approval I had from my brothers, and I lose any shot of becoming one with a sister...if you can follow that mentality.

You know it's not to say that this isn't my fault as well, because I know that until VERY recently, I still kept my dominance and forceful side of myself when it came to... knowing someone, bonding, and I know that is just another shot at my soul thankx to my own flaws. I mean, I was quiet and didn't talk about certain things, and being who I was, this force and air I bring to a room, that itself made people drift away, and now having to deal with everything on an emotional level, it scares them off even more damnit, when I need them all the most!!!!!! Can I truly call what I have gone through progress if I don't check myself out, and if people don't say where everything stands? If people don't give me a chance to overcome myself? :( :( oh my god....this is hell.

So I let it out in front of 225 students and 4 teachers. Just a small dose of how mixed messages from all corners has killed me inside and how it follows me everywhere. I do NOT like what I have done to you and to others, but, I do NOT like having to become a transperancy to you either, whether it will make everything a comfortable situation eventually. I will do it though, for you. I won't like being secluded because I've been here alll too fucking long. But if it makes you rise up again to keep building and BEING, then so be it, I'll be on the other side of the computer you can say.

... in saying what I did, it scares the shit out of me that I just made everything all the more....hard.... but you can't bottle up anymore. No YOU CANT. Ms Hill and a few girls kept me in during lunch, telling me Oh Luis, thankx for speaking, I know it must have been hard, and yes, it seriously was hard. Because I know what I did in there has just caused me to add more time to this period where I have to shut up and not talk to people. I just enforced this stigma about myself that I put it all out there too much. I didn't mean to, but nothing gets fixed if nothing is stirred I guess. You can bet I was looking at each of you when I was speaking too, I know I was just fucking up some more :(. You know ... now you're all going to be upset at me for ranting about this, do I really need to be looked down at more? I shouldn't even post this. Don't expect to hear from me so often anymore, I may want to inside, but I really, really can't. Such a waste of time, such an impersonal outlet, such a vulnerability...that's all I've gotten. I'm sorry my friend, so sorry. Bye.

*throws self out window* criminy......you know after I'm done being so frustrated, I'll start posting something of value. Check out my infiniteprofile on AIM for anything relevant, blahhhh...

I wanna know if stuff works ... does it ever work? Does ANYTHING ever work? *sigh*