Heyyyyyyy.... I'm gonna use this as a joint place for my journals, for now that is. I dunno, I may use my blogger as a creative utensil to relieve my angst, keep my IP for personal issues. But hey, enough shit, read my latest entry, it's very uh..... very long =T.

5-13-02 ( =T too much; yet, too... self restricting )

Heh...I'm sorry, but, for a solid week I've been in a fight with myself. I Really can't say what was happened in detail, because, not only am I sick of putting it out there so damn much waiting for something solid, but, everyone else is sick of me putting it out there too, makes everything so much more complicated I guess =T...

I guess... blah I really don't know what to say. I guess I'll start with something simple (hah, simple). I think byb now you know I'm pretty much very willing to appeas any needs people have if they truly mean something good inside for me, and so... I'm being put to the test. It's back inside I guess, can't really be anything but vague, to let everything soak in for everyone ya know. I mean it truly does suck, it truly hurts, to have to disband myself from people, after seeing so much...potential, in a building process. But feh you know what? This IS building, it's just the part of building that sucks fucking ass. It's EXACTLY what I predicted heh. Back to a stage of neglect, based on WHATEVER reasons, valid and non valid, and now I've obliged to be emotional, so it hurts worse. Can't say I didn't forsee my utter stupidity and flaws affect how people react. Sucks alot, especially when it follows you everywhere =[. blahhhhhhhhhhhhh

Core today was pretty.... numbing, as is any one of our Core community meetings. Heh, having to sit where I was placed facing where I was facing didn't help my little problems with keeping bottled up for a while if forever. So as the males were placed according to race and such, I was checking it allll out....heh, it was like the begnning to the end, a sort of climax to some mystery and angst that has been kept in the shourdedness of smog for way too long. Today would be the day that starts off the rest of the semester, and you could tell, this gender unit will shred a lot of people's minds and hearts. Just call me the prematture one to that statement :-[. feh. Leaving that room left me sooo fucking cold and strained, almost empty of a gut. Let LJ explain why :-/...

Maybe the whole questioning of how much mixed messages have as effects on people really stomped at my head, and I bet it did at yours too :-/. So funny, the whole point that was made in general was, we ALL get mixed messages, from everyone else, which really fucks up friendships and relationships. I think I've said it enough that I recognize where I have fucked up previously and I'm really willing to just relax for a while. But... it still fucking sucks, so many mixed messages. Oh, Luis, why do you have to be such a guy, be more emotional when you have to deal with personal problems. Fine I said. I've never ever been one to be open and share my feelings, but hey, I can change if it will do everyone, especially in this case myself, better in the long run. For a while sure, being all open and such got some great reviews from people. I felt I had accomplished something truly meaningful and... nice, with some individuals. I felt part of a connection that was made. Heh, the bonds were made sure, but, mixed messages started to pour in, casuing me to derail ONCE AGAIN from grace.

Fucking shit... If I'm not emotional, I get closed off from people for being too 'cold' and in general, I feel bad about keeping shit in so badly. I'm still not really accepted by being that way. Yet, if I AM emotional, I don't get acceptance from my guy friends, which at this point, depending on who you talk to me about it means a whole fucking mess. Being so shut off made me lose out on a lot of potential friendships, and I thought maybe talking about it would help it all. Maybe it did, who knows, nobody has told me. But still, I became emotional, and all it did was scare people off more :'(...fuck, do you know how confusing it is.... If I'm emotional, I lose whatever approval I had from my brothers, and I lose any shot of becoming one with a sister...if you can follow that mentality.

You know it's not to say that this isn't my fault as well, because I know that until VERY recently, I still kept my dominance and forceful side of myself when it came to... knowing someone, bonding, and I know that is just another shot at my soul thankx to my own flaws. I mean, I was quiet and didn't talk about certain things, and being who I was, this force and air I bring to a room, that itself made people drift away, and now having to deal with everything on an emotional level, it scares them off even more damnit, when I need them all the most!!!!!! Can I truly call what I have gone through progress if I don't check myself out, and if people don't say where everything stands? If people don't give me a chance to overcome myself? :( :( oh my god....this is hell.

So I let it out in front of 225 students and 4 teachers. Just a small dose of how mixed messages from all corners has killed me inside and how it follows me everywhere. I do NOT like what I have done to you and to others, but, I do NOT like having to become a transperancy to you either, whether it will make everything a comfortable situation eventually. I will do it though, for you. I won't like being secluded because I've been here alll too fucking long. But if it makes you rise up again to keep building and BEING, then so be it, I'll be on the other side of the computer you can say.

... in saying what I did, it scares the shit out of me that I just made everything all the more....hard.... but you can't bottle up anymore. No YOU CANT. Ms Hill and a few girls kept me in during lunch, telling me Oh Luis, thankx for speaking, I know it must have been hard, and yes, it seriously was hard. Because I know what I did in there has just caused me to add more time to this period where I have to shut up and not talk to people. I just enforced this stigma about myself that I put it all out there too much. I didn't mean to, but nothing gets fixed if nothing is stirred I guess. You can bet I was looking at each of you when I was speaking too, I know I was just fucking up some more :(. You know ... now you're all going to be upset at me for ranting about this, do I really need to be looked down at more? I shouldn't even post this. Don't expect to hear from me so often anymore, I may want to inside, but I really, really can't. Such a waste of time, such an impersonal outlet, such a vulnerability...that's all I've gotten. I'm sorry my friend, so sorry. Bye.