Jen, This is so damn unfair... take a listen to this. This scared me...it's a dream I had just last night, and I woke up all sweaty, and dazed, and really pissed off... I dunno, it felt like something that hit home way too hard...goddamnito(*798%&^%$^%@

Last night I had a really good convo with my buddy from The Wall, PhishPhood!, about this stupid thing plaguing my mind, even in the summer. I explained some of the Tim thing since pretty much, as much as I can avoid it until he wants to, it still follows my head around. Damnit I have other friends, and even then, it wont leave me alone, it isn't like I think about it voluntarily.

Anyway...he suggested somebody talk to both of us, whom would know where each one is at....which for the most part, though not completely, would be my buddy Nicole, and most of all you. But I've yet to say much about alot of things I want her to know....but anyway, ranting onward, I went to a buffet =T and ate way too much, and they say when you go to sleep on a full stomach, you have vivid dreams....and so it held true.

It was a heh, dark and stormy, very stormy night. All within the bounds of my apartment. Just the light between the two rooms was on, and my computer. So be it, I remember me and Nic in my room, she on my bed, and I telling her some crap. Crap that probably only the dudes in core know of, since I said it that one day in core. She heard it all and didn't really give me any feedback onit, but I didn't want any at the time, I just had to say it, ya know?

It starts pouring really bad when she leaves the room, and goes into the living room where ehh...Tim is and they start talking too. I wouldn't know what about, I was sitting in my room, in the dark, listening to one of my classic somber songs from Chrono Cross, so sue me. But it took it seems, an awful long time for them to eh....talk about whatever, so I go check, heh, atake a peek 00;, and they're both dead asleep.

They looked so damn peaceful :-/...hah my sofa was full up, so I carried em to my room, since I have two beds. I put Nicole in my bed, and Tim on the other bed, and... I didn't know where to sleep. Bleh..slept on the floor next to the second bed. Dunno why but I did...

I couldn't sleep really so I took out a photo album...but it wasn't mine...>:O, it was pics of all my friends, and Tim was in all of them somewhere, so were all my other buddys, and it hit me... I'm such a fool, I fucked up so bad, I issed out on doing all sorts of kool things friends do with him....because I didn't know what to do, and once I did know, Ifucked up, and now there's this silent period... but I kept going through the pics, and I kept seeing it, I wasn't in any of them... the dude taught me what I know, but heh, on my 'test' run, I really jumped the gun and scared everything off, which I didn't know I did until I realized how much it all meant to me... and so the dream ends.

How horrible...

I guess this thing is somewhere waiting to be resolved, so we can both start anew, maybe keep going from where it all left off, I dont know... but it can't be me who starts talking first, can it... I think I've said all I can without breaking down into what i was weeks ago.. this sure is one long walk I'll never forget.

I'm gonna have to ask God why this is all happening..why whhhyyyyy

Had a great day yesterday. I went out in the afternoon to see JENNY!!!!!!!!!! after a month, and ahhh....it felt good, felt like old times 8-). We just hun garound the mall for a while before we went to watch Lil and Stitch.

Hey now, before you laugh, lemme tell ya, me being a harsh critic of disney, I'm pretty proud to say that this film was really really good, and I ate all the emotional drama up with a spoon. It was well done and it didn't come off as corny, which is great. I payed some for The Hedwig DVD for Jenny, and now, it's time to plan for our next outing .... which will be the biggest one of em all, coming to a blog near you.

Sadly though, afterwards, it happened again. Yeah.... I got all upset and rather mad. Stupid stupid grift... here's some Hedwig for you:

Look...what you've done
You gigolo
You know that I.. loved you, hon
and I didn't want to know
that your cool, seductive serenade ....Ahhhh....
was a tool
of your trade,
you gigolo ...oh..oooooh...

Of all the riches you've surveyed,
and all that you can lift,
I'm just another dollar.. that you made
In your long, long grift

Look what you've done,
you gigolo ..oh oh oh..
Another hustle has been run,
and now you ought to know
that this fool
can no longer be swayed ....Ahhhh....
by the tools
of your trade
you gigolo ...oh..oooooh...

I'm just another john you've gypped,
another sucker stiffed,
a walk on role
in the script
to your long long grift

A love that had me in your grip
was just a long long grift.

Actually, I posted a new entry in my journal, FINALLY... and it talks about the greatest day of summer, which would be yesterday. Aww, this means, you'll have to go on AIM and read it.. it's such a relief to know I haven't been sitting on my ass all summer, and yesterday proved how much better I am. I just wish everything, with everyone, was as great as yesterday was with my buds. But hey, enough from me, go read it... here's a new song for ya, who digs Hedwig? ;]

When the earth was still flat,
And the clouds made of fire,
And mountains stretched up to the sky,
Sometimes higher,
Folks roamed the earth
Like big rolling kegs.
They had two sets of arms.
They had two sets of legs.
They had two faces peering
Out of one giant head
So they could watch all around them
As they talked; while they read.
And they never knew nothing of love.
It was before the origin of love.

The origin of love

And there were three sexes then,
One that looked like two men
Glued up back to back,
Called the children of the sun.
And similar in shape and girth
Were the children of the earth.
They looked like two girls
Rolled up in one.
And the children of the moon
Were like a fork shoved on a spoon.
They were part sun, part earth
Part daughter, part son.

The origin of love

Now the gods grew quite scared
Of our strength and defiance
And Thor said,
"I'm gonna kill them all
With my hammer,
Like I killed the giants."
And Zeus said, "No,
You better let me
Use my lightning, like scissors,
Like I cut the legs off the whales
And dinosaurs into lizards."
Then he grabbed up some bolts
And he let out a laugh,
Said, "I'll split them right down the middle.
Gonna cut them right up in half."
And then storm clouds gathered above
Into great balls of fire . . . *drums*

And then fire shot down
From the sky in bolts
Like shining blades
Of a knife.
And it ripped
Right through the flesh
Of the children of the sun
And the moon
And the earth.
And some Indian god
Sewed the wound up into a hole,
Pulled it round to our belly
To remind us of the price we pay.
And Osiris and the gods of the Nile
Gathered up a big storm
To blow a hurricane,
To scatter us away,
In a flood of wind and rain,
And a sea of tidal waves,
To wash us all away,
And if we don't behave
They'll cut us down again
And we'll be hopping round on one foot
And looking through one eye.

Last time I saw you
We had just split in two.
You were looking at me.
I was looking at you.
You had a way so familiar,
But I could not recognize,
Cause you had blood on your face;
I had blood in my eyes.
But I could swear by your expression
That the pain down in your soul
Was the same as the one down in mine.
That's the pain,
Cuts a straight line
Down through the heart;
We called it love.
So we wrapped our arms around each other,
Trying to shove ourselves back together.
We were making love,
Making love.
It was a cold dark evening,
Such a long time ago,
When by the mighty hand of Jove,
It was the sad story
How we became
Lonely two-legged creatures,
It's the story of
The origin of love.
That's the origin of love....oh yeahhh..the Origin of loove....love.

Mucho amor para mis amigos. :-)

Great, awesome, l337 day. I'll edit this and like....discuss it and such. w00t, best dayyyyy =)!!

So I sit here then . . . waiting. Yes for that damnit, it's like hey, gather those bearings like I know you do, and instead of telling us how you do it with everyone else, all those htings down on digital paper, why don't you try that here with me? I mean you'd think this was something important and full of aspirations for somebody other than ME.

So sign on briefly after seeing my newww favorite wrestler Randy Orton die, and ...

Tim is back!!!!! =[ I have no clue where he's been, nor would I have known, for obvious reasons :-/... But it made me all reminiscent and kinda krazed in the head. Yes, the man who's helped me become a better person does have this effect on me, whether he's confident enough to talk to me like we used to....whatever. . Blah, stoopid gender issue, SEE, this is exactly what I meant by an anticlimactic end to school. Nothing is over yet. Gives me some sort of hope too. Damn, my day was just full of ... thoughts, good bad, and well, even the bad makes me feel good.. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

YELLOW You are very perceptive and smart. You are clear and to the point and have a great sense of humor. You are always learning and searching for understanding. Find out your color at Stvlive.com!

Today was k00. I got out of my usual 'work-work-run-work' regimen and got to go out with Meg today. w000 what fun =). I had a blast, we first went to Jack in the Box to eat, talked about people, things, life. We walked up to the Northridge Mall and just hung out, I got to be with her all alone, but don't tell Jenny and Christina right Meg ;-). We eventually decided to watch a flick, because there's only soooooooo much you can do until the Mall is useless. Useless like Zodin's haircut really. j/k hahahaha...o dude, I'm tired.

We watched Men in Black II, which turned out to be ok (awesome). It pisses me off, the ending ... but I got to hear this great and k00 line in the film: "It rains when you're sad". DUDE! How freakin .... mushy is that =T. Eventually, Meg got sick of me so we went to the bus stop, and eh... I had to run right after I got off the bus, and in jeans? Shit....3 miles in jeans, talk about pain, my pants kept falling down =[. I'm tired out and I can't move, but alas, today was g00d. I got to hang out with the greatest person on the 'greatest' day of the naiton...heh, even though I don't celebrate it, it sure felt like a day of celebration =). Meg is really great to be with, Me thinks I will murder her boyfriend one of these days....or not =P.

I just hope this isn't the only time I go out during Summer. So many people I wanna see, get to know MORE. Oh, Hulk Hogan today won the WWE Tag Team Title, the only title aside from World Title that he has ever EVER won, and his carreer spans about more than 2 decades. Talk about krazy. Also today I realized, you know, I may still feel like shit, but fuck, I can put aside my goals and hopes for a day, and just relax. It felt good. Not that I'm going to forget about my.... business to attend to, right?

I just.....blah.... I kept thinking of ....

....nevermind. Peace y0 \m/

out of weezers pinkerton songs, i am
why bother	oh i am such a pessimist. perhaps the glass is always half empty to me. its okay, because im a good listener and fun to hang around. sometimes. why bother its gonna hurt me its gonna kill when you desert me this happened to me twice before wont happen to me anymore

take the quiz at littlemelon. created by megan

Oh ya... I'm still alive. See ya when you get back. Yeah, you, not me.