Now Playing: Rocky Votolato - Portland is Leaving

this song is me.

gahhhh so, these past few weeks have been rather strange for me. Not bad persay, but definitely not .. usual. I'n pretty sure it has to do with the fact that I haven't given me a good amount of me-time to sort out the brain again. I hate when I do that.. when I say hey, I can write about this later. I can deal with this later. I can read this later. I can live a little later.

I have alot in my head. Much like similar times before, when I withold for some time, I have to spazz and just say everything at once.. 4 years and counting, here is a dry-clean version of what's going on with me (with my favorite song in the background!):

* It's springtime, and for the second year in a row, I fall for someone amazing during the winter, and then die in the spring. This time it'll be different.. I won't wait long with her.

So yeah, this means I'm listening to much more a sappy love music. Like this song kinda. I'm a big sap.

* I don't like being called Lulu, or Lucy. You guys are not funny. I should say you girls. I don't call you boy names.

* This year has been pretty weird.

* I have had way too many good awesome times these past few months and have just kind of let them find a comfy spot in my hippocampus where nobody can assess them ever, and that sucks on my part. I mean I have so much fun, with Izzy, with cuz, with Doris, Matt, etc.. and sometimes I wanna sing it from the mountaintop, "I HAVE AN AWESOME LIFE!"

but I hardly do that anymore. Is this growing up, or laziness?

* I love my cuz sooo much xD. Lately we've had alot of fun times together. Since I said I suck for not talking about it and whatnot, I thought I'd start with the smarter version of myself. so there.

Doris too. I wanna spend more time with Doris. And with a few other people. But with Doris, as she is always worth noting.

Today izzy and doris and I hung out and it made me very happy. Izzy's progression to awesome has made me very happy. I am drunk with this.. friend power..

* When I try and do this whole emptying of the recycle bin in my brain, I always draw a HUGE BLANK HALFWAY. LIKE I AM RIGHT NOW.

* I don't think anyone has ever complimented me the way Izzy did a few weeks ago.

* You know what? We've all done some heavy-dutyng growing and it's awesome. I mean, we've cultivated ourselves into some fine ass people, with some really awesome relationships.

I am amazed at the rate at which my knack for picking people to be close to has become more precise and amazing as the years go by. The number gets smaller, but they become like rocks. Untouchable.

* I think too much and say too little - the ratio is all blahablab. Did we ever think we would reach this dichotomy in my life, EVER?

* Something that makes me feel so HAPPY is that, people only know things I want them to know. Alot of people feel they know me, and.. they do, I won't lie. I think the big killer, and the big shift between friends and good friends, is how much you know about me that isn't on a survey I filled out; how much alone time we get as PEOPLE to get to those kinds of things. This past weekend cuz and I went home together, and in the midst of our horrible games and talks, the one thing that kept my grin wide was NOT that we put joey and julie in cars far away.. but the fact that I've chosen some great people to have thse kinds of times with. ahhhhh my awesome friends and family.

I think I said it best... it would piss more than a few people off if they knew how little they really know me. I think I like this arrangement.