Now Playing: Bee Gees - This is where I came in

I need nostalgic music to make me write about this stuff. You have no idea how quick your mood changes with this stuff...

:-/ I can't do this without stopping and deciding not to go through with it. I dunno where to start and I rather be in bed. But I've wasted way too much time doing absolutely nothing =) Thanksgiving is coming soon... a time when we're supposed to give thanks for everything we've been given. Being in such a lousy state, I'm hesitant to do much of anything.. but I'm gonna take this opportunity to give thanks for a few things lingering in my head before I can actually feel better. Lately I have problems trying to re-write everything on my head.. but apparently I associate certain songs with certain people or events, so it's up to the tunes to get me through this. Writing as catharsis here we go..

Now Playing: The Verve - Bittersweet Symphony

I need to give thanks to God, first and foremost. Test me push me work me over... I've made it through a lot. I may not be as diehard Christian as other folk, but I don't feel the need for it. God and I's relationship is a private one, and I don't have to publically praise him all te time for Him to know that I'm listening. Always listening...

With winter break coming up soon, Im gonna get to see Matt, after not seeing one another in a very long time. Surreal.. to be honest, I didn't think I'd ever forgive those folks who trashed me around at the end of high skool. I kinda haven't forgiven some... but with Matt I just got sick of feeling bitter towards him. The old adage is true, once they're gone you realize how much a part they are of you. I need to see the bastard. I wanna see how different we'll see one another... have I grown up since then? Has he?! Too many questions come to my head.. all I know is that I've missed hanging out with him a lot. Always hesitant though... I'm gonna have the time of my life whenever we reunite, but I hope that.. I dunno, he feels as genuine as I do about being friends again.

Thankfully I can spend time with him and with Flemmy now... I think there's a lot of expectations waiting to be fufilled soon. I wanna say YEA IM SEEING MATTEW!@!@ but I'm just not sure sometimes... can you really blame me =] We've only talked through online since deciding to be friends again... so of course, a lot of things can and will be different once we met up face to face. heh... reminds me of someone else. heheheh.. I'm way more positive than I'm used to. I guess that's good

Now Playing: Evanescence - My Immortal

I know I'm gonna sound like such a loser for this but Im totally reeling on my feelings for Meg. :-/ God... stupid stupid stupid. 2 years!!! 2 fucking years and we did nothing. Nothing at all. I start to doubt how much she really cared about me.. she wasn't faithful, and about as bad at making the move as I was. I dunno... I miss her so much sometimes, I consider myself a dumbass for it. She holds aminosity towards me [lord know it] and it's really time for me to put her past my head. I can't help but feel like... all the time and effort put into our relationship means nothing now. I feel like that about a lot of people actually. The talks late at night in the quad, the outings, helping her when terrible news hit her family... it's like none of that matters. Things won't be the same, and yeah... we'll all adapt. Life is about adapting. I just can't help but feel like we both missed the boat bigtime... but I guess it's irrelevant to dwell on. Regardless though... whenever someone asks me about my hig schol sweetheart, no doubt... it was her.

Now Playing: Coldplay - In My Place

Tim Hsu. yeah... I sure feel a lot of retarded feelings about this one.

For everything you have, you must give credit to those who started you off. Parents, friends, family, people. You know without our absurd friendship and storyline, I'd be a total different person. I guess I had to learn all these things about felings and talking through him, and I had to go berzerk on the guy to get to where I am. My depression was a necessity.. and always a key event in my life.

I guess in the end, now that I can formally put myself to thinking about it.. I did get what I wanted out of Tim. I felt like I had to leave my mark on the guy. I had to make our friendship mean something. Back in 10th grade, I thought he was a pretty decent guy, but not someone I'd ever talk to... he was too soft for me. Or so I thought. Hes just one of those people you see as you walk through life that just.. interest you, I dunno. He seems so inpenetrable, so stuck and lost in place.. but still, very unlike the rest of the asian kids from Cleveland. Maybe he was more willing to talk, or something. He loves regressing a lot into fitting in with his little group, and that hardly bothers me now. He reads my blog and comments and invites me to his at one moment, until we just get sick of one another. Maybe we're alike as soooo many like love pointing out to me... and that's gonna cause this friendship to stay awkward and unstable.

I don't think I wanted to be that close to him. I just wanted a connection to Tim. He seems so lonely sometimes... but he's always going to remain a sarcastic little prick when it comes to talking to Luis. Am I some sort of threat to him I dunno. Doesn't matter. Maybe I need to thank... myself for doing what I wanted. I wanted to be friends with the guy, and i knew I had to change if it was to be done. I was lost, I was lost... crossed lines I shouldn't have crossed. I may have burned bridges with Tim in terms of ever having a normal friendship, but I think we were never meant to be buddy buddy... he knows what he means to me in the long picture, as I'm sure I know he feels very uncomfortable about me saying such things. It's alright man... I don't think I need anything from you anymore. Tim Hsu's a very great guy, he interests me mentally, and if he ever decides to talk to me in an other than stand-offish way... I'm up for it. At this rate, I think we're going to grow old and withered, separately of course. I have these dreams, where I'm old and in a coffee shop. Tim and I will always have that deep, philosophical connection that I think very few people can ever give him. But at the end of the day... that's all we can get to. We'll be old philosophy buddys. I think I need to change the damn song..

Now Playing: Coldplay - Warning Sign

He's not the only one to have changed my life in a very significant way. I think I emphasize too much on those who gave me the HUGE epiphanies in life and that's never good. Noone can be on such high a pedestal. Sometimes just being with me will make me feel like life is something not to worry over all the time.. sigh I need to think this one out.


Now Playing: Our Lady Peace - Bring Back the Sun

little white house...

I've put closure on the chapter of my life regarding Peter.. but ths song will always remind me of our friendship. Noone has the right to expect that I ever forget.. nobody. It doesn't matter to me anymore, some people whether or not they be with me will always stick in my mind some how.. that's just what happens sometimes. In life, we get affected tremendously by people who just.. come in and move you. Yeah, he was the closest friend I've ever had.. but I think that's all. It's true... we all need to move on and close up things sometimes. Like the song says, someday we'll both bury this hate... individually. I think I was too much of everything for the guy to handle. It happens..

Now Playing: Ranma - Red Shoe Sunday

Thanks everyone for the good times. We used to play this in Matt's car and sing along. =) I think once we move past the "deep" and "moving" shit we can get to the fun times, the simple times... and I've never had as much fun as I did with you guys. This pager's driving me krazzy! ^_^ While some people were close to me for what they signified, others... like matt jenny and co I was close to because they provided me with fresh air. They were my fun. Yeah, they didn't impact me in the way a Meg or Tim did.. but they didn't have to. I love[d] them just as much. I think it became a problem sometimes, this 'hierarchy' people thought I would use was really non-existent. People just got to me in different ways. And people always will.

Now Playing: Incubus - Just a Phase

In the end, all I can harbor is gratitude. So thanks you guys. Thanks for moving me, thanks for letting me move you... thanks for being. Thanks for hanging out with me when I'm bored, thanks for putting up with my over-analysis of everything. Thanks for setting me straight when I go off key. Thanks for chatting with me, on the fone or on AIM and making me feel like the way I feel towards you isn't one-sided. Thanks for coming into my life.

Thanks to those who have come and gone... thanks to the Amy Madoles and Juan Medinas of the world. Sometimes... I miss her a lot. Oh Amy, if you were only here to let me tell you this in person. I may not know where you are anymore.. nor may we ever speak again, but I love you, and if you only saw me now... =]

Thanks to those catalysts who sparked me to evolve in tremendous ways, depressing me yet moving me towards a better life. Thanks to the Tim Hsus, Nicole!, the Peters, the Jens the Michelles the Ariel fortunes, the Ashleys and Megs of the world... you have no idea; I'll never ever ever forget. You think you know, but you really don't know... just how much you've changed me. Forever changed. Thanks guys.

Thanks to those who pickd me up and made me enjoy every single time I wasn't by myself... to the Matt and Jennys, who became my best friends... thanks Joe, Roel, most of slackers, to PATRA! <33 Justine! both Justine's... to Enza, while we may not be together now.. you'll always be here somehow. Thanks for hanging out with me, keeping me busy, making me happy... ahhh <33333 here come the hearts.

Thanks to Glen for letting me break through his cycle of inanity... thanks man. Thanks for trusting me with one of your greatest secrets... I won't let you down. Thanks for letting ANYone in. I don't think it would've been good for you to turn into what *I* used to embody. We're finally getting somewhere... thanks to Brighton, my LOVE for finally talking to me, letting me use what's been passed down to me in order to help you out... your company is priceless. I love you two

Thanks to music!!! For everything it means me, for moving me, for taking me back... to people, to events, to the past... and letting me enjoy the moment.

And thanks to those new folk who just came into my life. My suitemates. Amanda! Nnenna and everyone else I've met via networking it. Thanks for giving me somehting new to work with, something new to experience... it's gonna help me out in the long-term. A new chapter awaits me dudes... I guess it's time to get going.