As if I'd ever forget you Chally :-). Thinking about you and then looking at how many thoughts I can lash out at once... makes me wanna focus on a lot of individual subjects, and go into further analysis of why I feel this way, that way, etc. I have more writing to do. Ugh... I feel like a pseudo-intellectual. On to more writing! xD

Where did I leave off... m? Oh yes. ranDom thouGhts... uuughhh... that sounds so dumbass-ish. eh well. This is dedicated to some delicate subject matter... due to the extremely personal nature of it all uh... try not to talk too much shit about it, otay? =]

- Out of all the end-of-high-school drama... and the ending result, I really have to admit... I only really miss Jenny.

Lemme put this out there for my own personal analysis. In my life, I have come across a lot of bullshit. Bluntly... I can sum up my tenure here in His world as perpetual disappointment. People have really let me down, and it's hurt.

I think being so used to... being let down in the end, really took me to the point where I felt nothing anymore. Hence when Peter and I stopped being friends, yeah it was shitty as hell for me... but my reactions to it were very different compared to say, how I would've reacted a year earlier. Call it maturity, or just being used to those closest to me leaving. Anyway, I was pretty numb to the idea that I had lost the person who really... helped me grow, in a lot of ways. Then Matt and I stop being friends too, and you know, you'd think I would have crushed into some sort of mess... but nah. I'm used to this crap, eh. Me not writing constantly about them or the stuff we used to do does NOT indicate that I don't care about em... or shit like that. Not at all. Those jerks really went loose on me, and well... I don't think I can forgive anybody that did such malicious shit to me. Fuck that man.

Err but then I think about Jenny... and I feel bad. An on-going issue was that I alwayz assumed that Jenny would get influenced by other people in her points of view. I mean when Matt was mad at me, so was she. Things like that just made me think ergh.. they're wayy inseparable sometimes. You know though, that's how it always turned out. I NEVER meant to say that she couldn't make up her own mind, that she was a follower, or something... I know her far too well to ever think such a thing. I love Flemmy. I liked flipping her upside down, and stuff. In the back of my head though [forgive me] I'm gonna think in the back of my mind... should I have told her that I never meant ot insult her in any way? Also I HAVE to consider the idea that she has disconnected from me because of her boyfriend. That's somewhat plausible, isn't it? But anyway it just sucks... and whatever. I finally sorted that in my head.

- In a similar note... I lost three of my best friends, a few weeks ago. I havn't broken down, or done anything EMOTIONAL~! over it... I think I'm growing up, or some shit. Last year, Tim Hsu stopped talking to me, and my instability at the time almost killed me. Whatever though... people grow. Each and every one of them though... I won't be forgetting. ever. Maybe I can write about Tim [crowd goes AHH!!!]... at some point.

- ANYWAY... m.

I'm not gonna pretend like I was all non-suffering and sad over the crap that went down. Hell with the Peter thing.. I was ready to go gangsta style on the whole fucking world. But you know...

I had Enza there, and she made me feel better. ALOT better. I'll never know why m0m, why you decided to be there for me when I really needed somebody... but you were there, and looking through our pictures... I really have to thank you again. You helped me grow a ton too, through insight, and showing that you care. Sometimes, I think to myself, honestly... would I have handled all of this shit as well as I have without you there with me? It's going to take me a very long time before I ever let someone in as much as I did someone like Pete.. but you know what... I'm willing to put all my trust into someone again, and it's gotta be you. Sometimes I make an ass of myself and misplace affection sometimes.. but I think we all do that, to an extent. I love ya Enza. Who knows? I might have had a reaction worse than any last year if you weren't there with me... everyday... making sure I was okay. <3

We've grown pretty close throughout the last year... I just wanna let you know I'm thankful as hell that I got you with me.

- Okay... when looking back at all of this at the end of it all.. I still don't know what to think about.. Meg. Uh-oh.. I might get more personal here :-/

I was reading the yearbook [!] and sigh... I'm confused as hell. I mean, I don't know where her head is in regards ot me, alot of times... does she talk to me to make it seem like she's fine with me? Does she hate me? Or the contrary? =[. Any and everything that happened at prom... I fully meant. I really wanna say I still do, but... I can't when Meg's been almost... bi-polar when it comes to me.

I mean I adore her immensly, I think I have ever since I met her too... but some shit was out of line, and really put me off of considering any sort of relationship with her. any. People would tell me... stay away from her right now... she's going crazy. Of course I didn't really listen did I, heh... you know, her being a part of the 'awakening' [ha, what a waste of net space that was] made me re-consider how I honestly felt about her. Could I honestly love someone who at any time, just snap on me and... say things in a negative context about me? I don't know. Again, I'm either way too forgiving, or not at all. I'm left confused since, I really don't know what to make of everything.

In retrospect though, I'm still crazy about Megz0r. I wish I could've seen Santa Cruz, so I could have decided on going there for college. I guess this is where I realize that some kinda of love are unconditional... and I'm still testing this theory out. I thought I loved my friends unconditionally... but then, I lose several of them. aigo~. In conclusion... Meg is one puzzle I don't think I'll ever fully... put together. But what do I know, eh?

Anyway, I really should find my journal. I had personal ish in there and I wanna write. alot. I really should contact Mush, too. bye