"Where again will I find ... my lost innocence... my lost memories... my lost childhood." - Devdas

How is it fucking goddamn possible that this week went from amazing (Monday) to utterly irritable (today)... shit what happened to the happy Luis, tired Luis, that dude from FUCKING MONDAY who spent a whole day with his best friend, painting.... what happened to me?

I almost feel like... extinguishing the light of hope for myself. I mean look at me, I was so happy monday.... I actually got to spend time with one of my favorite people.... but then I go into Hill's class today and it all breaks down in the background of my mind. WHY? I think seeing all the asians together tore me to shreds... reminded me of so many things, ya know. Like the cursed power pyramid or something.

It reminded me of how I don't have that kind of group to hang out with. I'm the only latino guy in core with any asian in him, and let alone the only latino guy in core throughout ALL my classes. I'm so alone. I have friends! I have best friends! But where do I go? when stupid things like fucking skin color come to play... I don't have that support, and whatever support I have, it all splits up into different places... I can't go with whatever asian friends I have, I'm not 'one of them', and I don't know if they'd ever let me be one of them. I can't go with white people, QUITE OBVIOUSLY... and trying to talk to whatever 4 or 5 of the latinos there is in core alienates me, because I never see them, they see me as 'other' too... ugh what's happening to me. Why did Juan have to leave? Why will I ALWAYS feel something pushing me away from my friends.... IT ISN'T ME! I can't stand this... it's like, where's my 'asian block' of sorts .... where's the indescribable acceptance?

I'm happy, warm, and hopeful. Yet I'm lonely, distant, and dying. What's wrong with me?