Do you blog for an audience, or yourself?

I have this bias against people who go with the crowd, and mold themselves according to the mere thoughts that come from other people. Yeah, you heard me. The reason I say this though is, because I'd never really come to terms with the inner 'fraud' that is me. Or maybe fraud' the wrong word, whatever.

One of the worst habits I have is being guilty of this bullshit! and I've known about it for a long ass time. It's because I detest that part of me so much that I really try to tell others not to follow that type of thinking - even if I come off as a hypocrite. I mean I know there's so many people I've told not to do this or that, when really I should be doing what I preach or whatever... but really, how the hell am I supposed to give the 'right' kind of advice on things when I'm in need of advice too half the time?

Yeah so, I'm guilty of this molding from others, ONLY in my writing. There's been several times when I'm typing something, and it comes into my head, "What if HE or SHE reads this... what will he/she think of me?" and I've been trying really hard not to give a shit about others in that way. I mean, it's a terrible thing, letting others mold your own fucking opinion. Who gives a rats ass if somebody thinks differently of you because of something you wrote? I end up editing my blog sometimes, rare though, but I do it. I get camera-shy, I want approval, whatever. Something I have to work on. Why do I hold back so much, to the point where my views and opinions are blurred among the masses, FOR THE SAKE OF APPROVAL? Damn, sometimes, it's like I haven't moved very much.

But I have. I've moved alot, I just have relapses, where I want to be accepted by someone, someone who doesn't even matter in my life. How pathetic is that, really? I have moved alot though, I DO have my own opnions, and perhaps the reason it doesn't seem that way is because, the only place I'm eloquent in explaining myself is through the keyboard...

...and even then, I catch myself, thinking too much about others and what they think. You notice a few blogs down, how TIRED I am of people fucking with me? TIRED. One thing I have to keep in mind is, I have to stop letting them fuck with me. Without being too blunt, yeah.... we'll see. I do hold my own most of the time, I don't regurgitate what people want to hear from me, or what 'should' be said... I'm not a drone, a follower, and I *hate* followers, and I ***hate*** when I show signs of doing it myself. eh... Anyway, where were Meg and Peter today? Today was blah... and so is this entry.

But I'm not gonna edit it this time, heh.