Distorted eyes, when everything is clearing dying ...

I don't know... wow, loss for words. I'm really upset, but... basically I think it all revolves around not ME, but YOU. I can sulk and be depressed, and walk on the other side of the room to leave you alone to gather yourself, but I really can't handle it. When it was done so, and all processed, this is just a repeat of a cycle that hurts even MORE now. I wish I could speak about it, but in there, it's all 'Watch this, reflect or DIE'. No time to actually BE personal, whether I'd like to be or not.

I almost cried for the second damn time this year, in six years, on thursday. Sitting where I do doesn't help at all, and just listening to such ... harsh realities unfold before me, it hurts all too much. I couldn't lift myself up off of my seat. But, I couldn't start to say why. I just ... I don't know anymore =(.

One thing holds me back, actually two. I don't know what's next, even though it's been told to me somewhat. I'm scared, so I speak and risk losing everything? Or do I not speak, and risk not knowing if it will help any? Core doesn't help much either, so restraining and demanding.

You know, with times like these when everyone is losing their sense of selves due to guilt and fatigue, and pain in my case, there's not much that words can do, is there. Unless your words can help fix somebody up for the better that is. What we all have to do is at LEAST confirm that we are THERE for one another, regardless of stupidity from one or insecurity of another, a good friend is one who makes it known where he / she is. "Close, but not yet." It still replays in my mind, along with so many more encouraging words. I hope they were all true, wish me luck there.

Escape defeat, it's all that matters to you ....

I hope Peter's back tommorow.